My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, (((((Hoozh)))))!

I understand how you feel as about OW's presence in you D's life. It's a horrible feeling to feel like we are helpless in taking any action when something is so painful to us. I think though that you are doing a wonderful job in trying to put your D13's comfort first in not making a "big deal" of it. That would just give D13 pain, because she loves you and doesn't want to see you in pain......not to mention the power and validation that it would give to your XH. I know that your D13 sees your strength and dignity in spite of pain (which I have no doubt she knows you feel) and will thank you for it someday. And she will be the better woman for having you as an example.

As for the potential relationship, I recently read a book titled "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan J Elliott that really helped me. In it, one of the things she talked about was how our relationships are a reflection of where we are, and how to avoid "rebound" mistakes and how to work on ourselves so we can build healthy new reltionships, and how to recognize when we get one. Anyway, check it out.

Take care!

[hoosiermama]

I so hope you're right. I was really doing well as far as healing and overcoming, and then I found out about all of this and it was quite a setback. Just trying to figure out a way to deal, without a whole lot of support.

And thanks for the book suggestion. Not sure I've ever been in a healthy relationship, nor did I grow up observing any. I'm comforted to know that my friend has not only had years of therapy (as have I), but is also professionally an expert in cognitive behavioral therapy. While this certainly does not guarantee that either of us can apply any of this stuff to our own lives, we are both quite conscious of pitfalls and thinking errors, and have been able to point them out--gently--to each other when they come up. I will definitely check out that book.

[dday101798]

Another flipped gender commentator here. I will say at first I was mortified libid and furious of OM's immediate interaction with my sons. I know I've gotta have some "good" posts from my earlier days in dealing with it.

My my biggest issues was that S12 is a special needs child and very impressionable. So immediately, although confused, he latched on to OM instantly and thought nothing of it to tell me of their times together. That was SO hard to consume. XW would just 'rationalize', "it's ok, they know him".

It's been a year now, and after 2 months of being D'd and XW finally seeing 'hey this is it, this is what you wanted' and that our children only see their father for a minamilist time, XW has been wistling a whole new tune. That combined with the 'honeymoon stage' is there in respect to the kids as well, and guess what, honyemoon's over and OM isn't so great to be around, and doesn't do things the way dad would. That in itself has helped me get over, not accept, OM's presence.

Sure I still get erked to see his car and expecially witness him playing in the yard, but in the end so far, they know who their father is, and who loves them as a father should. Susequently, at merely 11 and 12, they know who broke the family up, how they handle that is yet a chapter to be written.

So for what it's worth, switch the gender roles around for the situation and hopefully that helps you out.

[dday101798]

Oh, and as far as a new R goes, eek, tread carefuly. You slowly come to find things you thought were "fixed" were just duct taped together. I tried just about the same time as the D was final to date a former old friend of nearly 20 years, after some rough waves at the end, it has come to a peaceful understanding of not being ready. Matter of fact we were jsut e-mailing today for the first time in a while.

On a side note and combining the two issues, I also think that not being in a visable relation to the kids helps them know you are there for them and who stayed strong for family as well.

[hoosiermama]

thanks, d. I think I just need to hear other people who have been here and who survived intact and with good relationships with their kids. this is definitely the hardest part of it all so far.

and yes, D13 figured out in the very beginning about what happened, who was involved, and who made the decision to break up our family. I never had to tell her a thing.

and xH is so narcissistic (always has been) and just feels entitled to have what he wants when he wants it--which now includes a whole second family and integrating our daughter into it. whether or not it's a good thing for her is pretty much irrelevant.

[hoosiermama]

yeah, and I think that's why this being a long-distance thing is positive. very difficult at times, but the best thing in the long run. D13 has some idea that I've reconnected with a good friend, and she thinks he's funny (ah, facebook connections--and very rare posts back and forth) but nothing more than that. and when he visited--very briefly--she was not here and knew nothing about it.

I know exactly what you mean about the duct tape, too. old wounds pop up when you least expect them. just moving very slowly, very carefully, and being very gentle with each other.

[Silent Chrleader]

.... just moving very slowly, very carefully, and being very gentle with each other.

I gotta say this sounds pretty wonderful, Hoozh!!! Good for you!!!

(((((HUGS)))))

[hoosiermama]

it feels pretty wonderful, actually. I just don't always trust my feelings these days.

[hoosiermama]

ugggghhh.

per D13--xH took the day off today to be with OW as one of her horses was euthanized. such a sensitive guy.

and I'm reminded of perhaps the turning point in our relationship/marriage--when I was in labor with a dead baby, for the second time in 3 years, and walked the halls for 3 hours by myself while H was in the hospital cafeteria with his support person. such a sensitive guy. oh well, it was just his wife, it was just his son--not his soulmate and her horse.

they deserve each other, don't they?!

[Silent Chrleader]

..... I just don't always trust my feelings these days.

You and me both!! Did you see my update over on my thread from today?

I feel so out of my element in so many ways these days......