You can see the full details of my story here . I recently found out from my wife, who separated from me to pursue a relationship with another man, that the only problem in our marriage she felt could not be overcome was sex. I believe there are lots of solutions to this problem, but she remains highly doubtful.
But to cut to the point, I've been reading "The Sex Starved Marriage" which lead me to this site. I think the book offers a myriad of likely explanations and solutions for how sex worked in our marriage. But here's the twist: In our relationship I was the high desire spouse, and she was the low desire one. But she had the affair?!
In our relationship she would often lay there and refuse me if the foreplay and the role playing wasn't just so. And I was ready for love making pretty much whenever. And wanted it frequently. She was very attracted to me earlier in our relationship and I'm still wildly attracted to her. Granted I'm now understanding there is a lot to change about my behavior to help things, but I can't do that unless she's willing to come back.
What she tells me now is that she's learned that her affair partner has some uncontrollable ethereal "something" she cant put into words that makes her crazy about him sexually. And I simply don't have whatever "that" is. She's started to feel like some people have "it" and other people don't.
But this goes right against the grain of the typical model: one spouse doesn't want sex, the other one does. It's not happening hardly ever. You would think the sex craving spouse would be the one having the affair. You'd think I would be having one rather than her.
I'm going to think out loud a bit here, but I think there are many sound principals that apply from the book but in different ways...
-First, there were countless reasons that could explain her lack of desire for sex in our marriage: anxiety, stress, birth control, anti-depressants, grief over her grandparents deaths, frustration with my high desire, etc. These all have nothing to do with some indescribable quality I lack.
-I am becoming convinced we followed the model wherein I receive affection and pleasure, feel appreciated, and that leads to emotional closeness/happiness. While she requires the emotional closeness/happiness to WANT the affection. Which neither of us understood.
-Therefore I'm beginning to wonder if the affair (which began as an emotional affair) allowed her to get the closeness that lead to desire. Once she had it she associated it only with him, and began to experience the thrill/passion/chemical high of an affair which is now still clouding her perception. Also the newness of their sexual relationship alone can contribute to a high which allows her to feel sexual again, right? I have a feeling that if I left the picture, things settled down, and she started to have a "real" relationship with this man that she would find her desires leveling out again.
Has anyone else encountered this logic before? Or perhaps believes there is truth to it? That certain people just plain push our buttons and certain people don't? It's not a matter of physical attraction because this person doesn't have much on me in that department. And my wife was very drawn to me and affectionate early in our sex life. So is this all in her head?
I know no marriage/affair/situation is quite the same but I’m really having trouble finding any materials that discuss this (I confess I’m only halfway through the Sex Starved Marriage however.) But I know that convincing her that with mutual loving sincere effort she and I can have the same satisfaction from sex that she can have with her affair partner is critical to saving our marriage. Any thoughts?
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
You are right on about everything except this statement:
Quote:
But I know that convincing her that with mutual loving sincere effort she and I can have the same satisfaction from sex that she can have with her affair partner is critical to saving our marriage.
You can't convince her. Only her A experience will convince her.....just as you said.....it will take her finding out that her feelings or sexual drive has died down or gone completely away after time with OM. An A is not like "reality" b/c it is not living true "life" as we know adults have to do. That is why M gets a bum rap b/c reality sets in about the time for the first month's bills are due. People in A's don't live together.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I guess you're right. It's just very depressing because I'm not sure how long I can realistically wait for her to come to her senses.
She's already had a few sobering experiences about this person and still slipped back into the relationship. I'm not sure what it'll take. And you're right, I can't convince her because she'll always view my advice as biased. Thanks for your input.
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
Remember that in the beginning of a relationship it is actually more chemical than anything else...
The two of you had that in the beginning as well... that adrenaline high that comes from seeing the person entering the room. New relationships are like a drug... and once the high has worn off she will start to get fidgety.
My suggestion... stop all R talk... instead, become her best friend and confidant, letting her talk and vent and offering a shoulder to cry on when needed. Be the 'safe zone'.
It sounds like she may very well be trying to recapture that 'chemical high' and she is right... the two of you do not have it, but it sounds like you still do. Something that did not register in her brain is that love starts as a chemical reaction and when those chemicals start to wane (if they didn't we would all be stoned on love 24/7 and society would ground to a halt with every phone busy with "no... you hang up first... no you... ok, we will hang up together.... oh, you didn't hang up... no you hang up first") love becomes a decision.
She will soon be coming down off that high... and you can be available for her to talk to when not GALing. GALing is very important at this time... going out and having fun... finding yourself again and growing your confidence back as you become the person you want to and need to be.
Nothing is more attractive than a confident person who likes their own company.
So... be willing to be there... (hint hint) but not when you have plans.
Sound confusing yet? That is kind of the point, you need to confuse her, to be mysterious... she needs to work for your attention... she needs to be the one to beg you for your advice and when she does you need to be nice and supportive and give her advice you would want in her situation. Do not bring up your own R in the advice... simply tell her to do what you would tell your sister to do in her place, and if she comes back with "you are telling me this because you want me back" answer with "no, I just want you to be happy wherever you are". That will probably hit her like a ton of bricks because it will be the last thing she will expect.
As for waiting for her to come to her senses... stop waiting by the phone and by the door and get out there and start GALing. Change your hair style... change colognes... change the way you dress... remake yourself into the person you want to be. There something you used to like to do? Go out and do it... There something you have always wanted to do... whats stopping you?
M- 11 y H- 40 Me- 41 D (1st M) 19 S (1st M) 17 First EA (w/OOW)discovered 2000 Third EA (w/OOW & phone) discovered 02/06 SSM (total) 3 1/2 years
It's difficult to pull back when you want so much more. Especially when someone else has what you want.
There is a middle ground that is not desperately wishing and chasing and not rebuffing in hurt ( "You didn't want me so who needs you." ) A middle ground of "here I am". Practicing the feeling of "here I am" as an intentional middle ground attitude helps you feel centered and balanced and not buffed by the waves of her word today or yesterday.
Easier said than done. I would have a massage (from same gender in your case male) and sit at Starbucks to have coffee, even by yourself, and walk some place you enjoy with the intention of feeling that middle ground balance of "All is well in the world."
Thank you both. I certainly have reached a breaking point where I just don't want to pay attention to what she's doing anymore. I'm trying to tell myself that I need to stop reaching out to her and setting myself up for disappointment, and simply concern myself with reacting to her next time she comes to me.
I've been trying to find ways to occupy my time. I tried out for a play but unfortunately didn't get a part. I'm currently trying to find creative writing gruops or art classes or something where I might meet some new poeple. I also just reconnected with an old friend from high school so hooking back up with him could be fun.
I think one of the probelms is that I have a lot of ambitions but the big ones are too anti-social for me to enjoy indulging in them right now. I have a novel I've been working on and I also make web cartoons, but these thins involved being alone at home hunched over my computer. I guess I could go to the libarary and do some writing there.
Anyway, thanks again.
PS: having finished the Sex Starved Marriage last night I'm pretty confident that we could rekindle if she came back with an open mind.
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
After finishing SSM, I decided to write my W a letter simply as a way to reflect on and put my thoughts about how sex worked in our relationship into words while the book was still fresh in my mind.
I Emailed this to her, maybe against my better judgement. But after a few days she did reply saying that it meant a lot to her that I was looking into these issues and how important she now feels good sex is to marriage and "life in general." I thought it was kind of odd phrasing because it almost implies that I didn't think that prior to reading the book, when in fact SHE was low desire and I was high desire. Never the less I simply replied with a quick and to the point "I completely agree." In a few short sentances I told her that I was reconnecting with an old friend and trying to get involved in things, then congratulated her that her play she is directing is going well and left it at that.
I have not called her since last Friday (when I called her about something 100% unrelated to her or the R) and I'm trying to rally a bunch of my friends to do active social things this weekend. It hasn't been easy, but I think I'm on a decent track to letting her be for a while, and only sharing my thoughts with her when she asks for them. Hope I can make it through October without blowing it!
Last edited by Frosty Michael; 09/24/0906:46 PM.
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
Sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you're doing most everything you can. However, I'm going to add something else to your plate.
You've finished reading SSM. Did it make you wonder about any behaviors that you brought to the marriage that might have contributed to your current situation? Marriage problems are rarely caused by just one partner. It's usually two people failing to work together (or play together). As a result, the marriage loses its allure. Passion dissipates.
For example, I don't know how work around the home was being shared but this is a common cause of problems. Marriage brings lots of responsibilities and dealing with those responsibilities isn't necessarily much fun, but it's stuff you gotta do. Regularly performing housework can work wonders.
I've always had the duty of cleaning the kitchen after dinner. Sometimes I cook. But usually it's my wife. She prefers it this way. But I have to admit I didn't always do a good job of promptly cleaning the dishes. Sometimes I would let the dishes go ... until the next day. Hey, I was very busy with work I brought home (yeah, yeah, that's a bad excuse). But the next morning, what would my wife see when she entered the kitchen? Dirty dishes. She'd start the day with an immediate sign of my failure to work with her. This really bothered her and undermined the sense that we were working together. (We weren't!) It took me many years to understand the implication of failing to do my chores.
So I urge you to really look at your own behavior. For your wife to return, you need to look like an attractive partner. You need to be confident and stable. You can't just be the same person as before ... or what has changed? You can simply wait for her to come to her senses ... but if your behaviors have contributed to the failure of the marriage, she won't likely come back UNLESS she sees evidence that those behaviors have changed.
How was your love life with your wife BEFORE the marriage? Were you satisfied? Was she satisfied? Was there passion? If so, what happened after the marriage? Marriage can sometimes have the same effect on passion as a cold shower. You see each other in all those private moments that aren't altogether attractive. You have to compromise and work together. That isn't much fun.
If there was passion before the marriage, I think you have a good chance of rekindling that passion. What activities did you do together? Are you still doing these things now that you're married? If not, why not?
me: 50 w (waw): 45 daughter: 9 m: 16 t: 19 bomb: 9/26/08 status: physical separation for 7 weeks, then work-in-progress R
Thanks for your input! We did have passion before the marriage. It started to wane leading up to the marriage actually, and we had thought it was a medical thing (hypoactive thyroid). In truth that was probably partially responsible. She was also dealing with grief (death of her grandparents.) And a lot of work related stress.
Actually if anyone should complain about housework etc. it's me. I ALWAYS did the dishes, took out the garbage, cleaned 90% of the time. She was a slob. I did much more cooking. None of that really bothered me much, except when I look back on how unappreciative she was.
I think the big clincher was an emotional disconnect, and I take my share of responsibility for that happening. She has her own theater company that she runs and I've always helped and participated in that with her but I also complained about it, and showed a lack of enthusiasm about certain aspects of it. I also did not validate her feelings on a lot of issues related to the theater.
The OM in her affair showed her a good time and agreed with everything she said and did so that's how he won her over and made me look like a lost cause. If she came back to me I know we'd have to spend more time enjoying things together, I'd need to validate her and be attentive to her emtionally.
But if she showed some appreciation for everything I did then that would go a long way to help me do these things for her. It's definately a both ends problem that we'd have to work at together. I hope we get the chance to do that.
Age: 28 Wife's Age: 28 Relationship: 10 Years (dated on and off) Married: Less than one year Seperated: 1.75 years, finally served with D 4/30/2011
I was reading where so many couples have the problem of sexual desire fading when they had pre-M sex. It listed several reason "why" that was common. So, it doesn't mean, necessarily, that anything was wrong with either of you. However, stress and grief can both be sex killers, not to mention physical problems.
I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but the fact you are 26 is part of your problem. I would think that for most young men that it is difficult for them to think of much of anything "but" sex.....especially when it has been a while since they had it. Most women need emtional intimacy before they have a desire for the physical. Espcially....after M, IMHO. A lot of women think that the physical will lead to the emotional, but then find it didn't and is very frustrated and left feeling empty.
Her A had nothing to do with sex. You must get that through your head. It has EVERYTHING to do with how OM made her feel emotionally. B/c of how she feels, it causes her SD to rise. But, more than likely, that will fade rapidly. She was really in love with you, and the SD faded even before M, so this A will also. She will have to discover that she wasn't really in love with OM and it was how he affected her emotionally by feeding her "ego" food.
You keep talking about her being LD and you the HD one in the M. No two people in a couple are the same level or we would be having sex 24/7 or no children would be born....one of the other! One of the partners will always being higher than the other one. So, you need to try working at re-thinking of her as the LD partner.
As with some H's, desiring sex and not knowing if your W is going to be willing, causes you to be anxious and probably very pursuing even if you don't see it. No matter what my H would do to get me in the mood to be receptive of his "move" toward me, I could see though him like a window! That would turn me off. As one person stated it very well.....women can feel like a slot machine. Drop a quater in and get sex! Not saying that you did that, but I'm saying that it takes some time to learn how our S are when the two genders are completely different in the way they think. If you have not read "Her Needs/His Needs", it would be helpful.
In the meantime, think about what the OM does that makes your W feel special about herself. It isn't his looks or sex appeal.....it is how she feels. Love is very unselfish and it is all about how we make the other person feel. Yes, this will be hard for you b/c you are so young and waiting without your physical needs filled will be the most difficult right now. I hope you can do it b/c if she's worth it, you won't be sorry. Is she?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
