Been thinking about the PC and all the needless expense. xW has been grousing about it too. Her last email on the subject, sent this week, had a statement that had me thinking -- not the way she intended however. She said, about the retainer:
Quote:
The only reason this is needed is your paranoia. Can't you just "Live & Let Live"?
I didn't respond to it, not directly (just acknowledged that the time to pay the retainer was due). Privately I snorted at the "Live & Let Live" jibe. Obviously, she herself can't follow the very principles she holds up for me to comply with. Transference again.
But then "Live and Let Live" suggests that one practice forgiveness. On that score I have myself been struggling. Michele says Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves, and I believe this. It corroborates every other teaching I have encountered on the subject. I want to "Live & Let Live", to forgive and move onward -- it is just very hard with the continual trespasses from the ex.
Do you really think the PC is going to have any affect on anything?
In reading your sitch and XW's demeaner, I think not. I thought that my XW attending the manditory parenting through divorce session would be an eye opener for my X. Not only did I think it would open her eyes to how this is impacting our kids, but give her some insight on why I sometimes act and react they way I do as I come from a D'd household. Much to my astonishment, it did nothing, zero impact. Quite dissapointing.
On the forgiveness, yes it is a gift you give yourself. The reasons I am angered and flustered with XW and OM now is not them being together, they can have each other. The b/s they put the kids through, that's another story and I don't know how to deal with it at this time.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
In reading your sitch and XW's demeaner, I think not. I thought that my XW attending the manditory parenting through divorce session would be an eye opener for my X. Not only did I think it would open her eyes to how this is impacting our kids, but give her some insight on why I sometimes act and react they way I do as I come from a D'd household. Much to my astonishment, it did nothing, zero impact. Quite dissapointing.
I'm sure this had some impact. It was probably filed way back in the sub-conscious somewhere to be faced at another time and in small doses. It's all about planting a seed, backing off and being patient. There are no instant results.
Formerly SGfan M:38 W:33 M:8 yrs T:10 yrs Bomb: Dec '08 Separated: 4/18/09 Divorce: 8/28/09 XW Affair began: April 08
I'd love to think that. In the 4 plus months since, only a weed has grown, to tell our oldest son who has enough on his plate that he's adopted and that OM can be his 'daddy' now.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I really have no illusions that a PC is going to have any positive influence on xW. His role is simply to act as an arbiter in disputes about our S's. He's supposed to just be a referee.
xW, on the other hand, has these delusions that the PC is there merely to rubber-stamp her own decisions, and fully expects him to call me to task for interfering with what she feels are her rights as a parent -- that she, the mother, just naturally makes all the decisions concerning the children and the father should just play along. Several times she has warned me that the parenting coordinator is not going to look too kindly upon a given action or decision I have made, especially when it is counter to her wishes. I say nothing in response, because it's just stupid nonsense.
And while a PC might possibly have some influence our continual disputes, helping to attenuate xW's attacks, I know that in the end, xW will not really be swayed or deterred from her path. Nothing has done so as yet, and I naturally doubt a psychologist PC is going to have any better luck. Thus I fear this is yet more money down a rathole. But perhaps with her willful behavior fully documented by an outside professional, I will have ammunition in store should she go the litigious route again. We'll see.
Dday, your ex really needs to be called to task for using your son's adopted status to deliver a psychological blow to him. That is just nasty and unfair -- like I said before, I consider that abuse. I can't believe anyone would do such a thing.
And I hear you on the OM as "daddy" thing. That one gets my goat too.
I'd love to think that. In the 4 plus months since, only a weed has grown, to tell our oldest son who has enough on his plate that he's adopted and that OM can be his 'daddy' now.
Hey I feel for you man. Obviously your XW is very much like mine. I think the first step is to buy a punching bag and put it up in the garage. That's what I did. things would be so much easier is there were no kids involved and for this I'm trully sorry that your WAW feels then need to make anyone around her misirable who does'nt aggree with her behavior, even if it's children.
When it finally ended for me, I had the luxury of being able to run like hell. The funny thing is that once I did, she started to try and come back around.
Formerly SGfan M:38 W:33 M:8 yrs T:10 yrs Bomb: Dec '08 Separated: 4/18/09 Divorce: 8/28/09 XW Affair began: April 08
Just checking up on you as you are always checking on me
Now MISTER, 35 is not too young for you... Your only 46 ... At a point in our lives, I don't think age matters at all... well as long as your not 46 and she's 20 that is.
If you click with someone, then I think that is what is important.
your going to have no problem finding someone nc. Your a attractive wonderful person and have a awesome heart. There should be more of you in this world.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
You flatter me, Irish. Thank you for the kind words.
Okay, so 35 is not too young. I do realize there's a difference between calendar and mental ages -- and in the case of this particular lady we "clicked" at first but we then could sort of tell we were a bit apart in "age". For example, she's more into hip-hop while I'm more classic rock and country. Kanye West versus Taylor Swift. LOL.
I'm home here with the boys, enjoying a relatively lazy day. I'm casually straightening the dwelling up, while periodically engaging the boys while they're doing their own things. S8 is playing the Wii. S4 was joining him earlier, but is now playing a silly game on my iPhone (if you've never seen PocketGod, it really entertains my S's.)
...
Yesterday was the court hearing, for the parenting coordinator (PC) assignment. The ex was there with her L, me with mine, and then there was the PC. The judge didn't have to waste any time on us, since the differences between what each party wanted to assign to the PC was quickly resolved with no fuss -- the consent order was agreed to and signed and it was all over with in about 15 minutes.
The next step is for each of us, the ex and I, to schedule time with the PC so we can each give him our stories and catch him up on where we are. (Meanwhile I am also struggling with the shock to my finances for putting out his retainer fee. I say it again, ouch!)
I talked to my L after exiting the courtroom, and remarked that if xW and I could have agreed to agree like this before, with so little contention, then all of this expense and trouble could have been avoided. My atty. concurred -- she said we have come back full circle to where we were in our negotiations as they were a year ago. She seemed just as dumbfounded as I that this path was ever taken. She said she hoped that now that all of this was taken care of, then perhaps xW and I could realize some peace -- no, strike that, she said that I (not xW) might realize some peace.
I sure hope so. L asked if I was continuing to get the occasional email from xW, and I said yes, we were still trading those occasional barbs with each other -- only I haven't been responding or hardly at all, because there's just no way one can offer a rational response to some people's insane remarks.
As if to underscore my statement to my L, I received the following email from xW a couple of hours later:
Quote:
NCB,
All you had to do was communicate & sign the agreement we worked out with <her private mediator> which wasn't much different than what you finally signed & all this expense & drama could have been avoided.
xW
I chuckled to myself at the irony. I didn't respond to xW, but I did forward this to my atty. with a note reminding her of our conversation just an hour or so previously. The humor wasn't lost on her.
I didn't respond to xW, but I did forward this to my atty. with a note reminding her of our conversation just an hour or so previously. The humor wasn't lost on her.
Good for you!!! Not responding to her I mean. I think she just loves it when she makes you mad. Maybe feels like she still has power or control over you or something? But good for her to feel like you could care less about her dumb comments.
