I almost bought one myself once for flying off mountains that I climbed. But I did some more research and found that there were a high percentage of broken bones that occur duing take off. It looks kind of like flying a kleenex.
Lately I have been making sure I get out ouf the house at least twice a day and hang out with some new guy friends I've made. It's just not isolating that helps me a lot.
I'm also walking more and starting to hike more again.
I do my best not to talk to STBX. I don't answer her calls instead letting her leave a message. If the message is 'information' I don't call back. If it's a question I reply via text message.
When she comes to pick up D14 she usually waits in the car for her. For some reason yesterday she came to the door and rang the doorbell.
Forget her though. I'm spending more time with my daughters and we're doing our best to enjoy the life we have.
You and I have been at this for a very similar amount of time. I remember reading you all those years ago and wondering how on earth you could be so amazingly collected to get DBing so right, when your world was crumbling around you.
I never really got DBing, in terms of fixing my marriage, right - but over time - and without my X in my life - I did get me right.
I have always thought of you as such a strong and compassionate man - and never posted to you because I felt you just had it all over me and there is no way I could offer you any advice or support.
Recently, particularly since the last separation from your wife, I've watched you go quiet (a telling sign of depression)and beat yourself up in a way that I don't think you would do to your most incompetent subordinate.
Frank, I've found the secret to all this for me is to be kind to myself. In life, people like you (and I like to think me) get everything 'right'. When it's not working, we read a book or take a pill or have a drink and figure out a way to MAKE it work.
As you now know this is all out of your control.
When you finally accept you can't avoid the discomfort and pain and you can't fix it - the only way out of it is to feel every uncomfortable and distressing part of it - and walk thorugh it anyway. GAL is a good way to distract yourself from the pain - but it's no substitute for accepting it, feeling it and coming out the other end.
I drank heavily at the start of all this. My X was a heavy drinker too. I'm now working in a remote Aboriginal Community in Northern Australia that is Dry. 100km to the nearest grog (that's Australian for alcohol)and I drink very rarely.
You know I don't even think about drinking much anymore and when I do go into town and mix with urban people and have a drink I don't enjoy it nearly as much as I used to.
This is a journey my fellow traveller - and I've come to think it has far more to do with our personal journey than our marriages.
You are on that wave now and you are going to be great.
Life looks a lot brighter from this end of our journey, trust me.
Take care fellow traveller.
V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Thank you Virginia, you were right on in your reading of my depression. I'm on the 'up' side now and slowly regaining my self respect. Thanks for the advice.
When you finally accept you can't avoid the discomfort and pain and you can't fix it - the only way out of it is to feel every uncomfortable and distressing part of it - and walk through it anyway. GAL is a good way to distract yourself from the pain - but it's no substitute for accepting it, feeling it and coming out the other end.
I re-read this and just wanted to internalize this comment. This is what healing is all about. Feeling the pain and letting it go.
BrandNewDay asked me if I was still 'standing' for my marriage.
I am standing back and allowing it to end, much like Sleeper has done. It's only by letting it all go that it has any possibility of starting over some day.
25yearsmlc told a story of her relatives who got divorced and after having other relationships and being nothing more than 'civil' were able to see they could be together once they had grown. This took 5 years.
Is that 'standing' or simply leaving the door open to possibilities while living your life?
BND, we don't really have a definition for 'standing'. My definition that works for me is simply this: I know in my heart I can't love someone else right now. I also know that I am enabling my STBX just as Sleeper is and in ANY situation that is not healthy.
You know that old saying, "If you love something set it free..."
I have set mine free. Whatever happens next will be because God chooses it.
