I've asked myself if I had to do it all over again, would I? Was dealing with xW's treachery and deceit worth having my S's? I'd have to say yes. I think my S's are worth all the h*ll their mother has put me through -- I only wish I had been forewarned before hand all the same. At least then I could have braced myself for the full impact.
Despite the pain, my children are worth it. They're the primary reason for what I do, why I persist. If I place God at the top of my priorities, it is because of that He expects that my S's be placed an immediate second in that order of importance.
But it reminds me of one of the barbs that exW sent me in an email last week. She said, among a bunch of other nonsense, "I wish I could have made kids with a sane person."
I chuckled at the irony of that and sent her a reply telling her it was unwise of her to bring up the question of sanity -- and said "People in glass houses, if you know what I mean."
She said, among a bunch of other nonsense, "I wish I could have made kids with a sane person."
That's horrible. My H can be mean, but even he doesn't say stuff that brutal. I don't know what to say about that. I've thought before she likes to push your buttons and get you upset. So try not to react to her garbage/spew. But that would be hard sometimes! I'm very sorry about this. (((((NC))))))
Yes, she was undoubtedly trying to push my buttons. But the irony of her comment just gave me this sardonic chuckle -- I was literally chuckling/growling while I fired off a response to that statement.
I might have been at one time easily diagnosed with severe depression in those last years of our M, but if each of of us both were now put to a psychiatric test I know she'd come out none too kindly. You see, in formulating my affidavit to the court for the custody suit we just settled, I went back over all the correspondence between her and myself over these years and all of the other incriminating evidence I had gathered on her, including all the emails between her and the OM that I had collected from the time of the bomb. In putting it all together, I came to some major conclusions about xW that I had refused to see or was just unprepared to see for too long. Before she ever knew me she had been carrying around a huge amount of emotional and psychological baggage, hang-ups we all thought she had put behind her prior to getting involved with me, but which I now recognize she has returned fully to with this OM. The fact that she seems to have suddenly reverted back to prior behaviors so easily tells me she is really far too messed up for me to have ever been able to salvage our M. She is both deeply and subtly sick. If this is the way she intends to be, then I really want nothing to do with her anyway. I did/do love her, but if she is really this other person, then she is beyond my ability to love. I have given her over to God and will let Him deal with her instead.
So, yes it was a cruel thing to say to me, but in so doing she opens herself up to scrutiny she cannot withstand. It would be like the Gosselin's lecturing you or me on fidelity. And believe me, while I might shouldn't ever respond to her spew, what I did send in this instance was very restrained; there are so awfully many other choice words I could have delivered. (My first thought was that I wish I hadn't chosen an unfaithful wh*re to bear my children. But that would be sinking to her level.)
Eventually I hope I will achieve the indifference towards her that I need.
(My first thought was that I wish I hadn't chosen an unfaithful wh*re to bear my children. But that would be sinking to her level.)
NC, didn't think it was possible, but you just cracked me up with that. You know what I'm thinking is that whole projection thing again; like my X accusing me of being controlling; your X accusing you of craziness; b/c she is herself.
If I managed to give you a smile, Karen, then I am very pleased.
I am still trying to find the humor in this insanity -- sort of like mining for rare and tiny nuggets of gold amidst all the muck and dirt that gets dumped on us. They're there, and we just have to keep looking.
And, on the projection thing -- yes, that's it exactly. Eccentricity and serious psychological disorders run throughout her mother's side of the family, and she knows that all too well. That's why I made the particularly discreet reference to "glass houses".
I'm not quite so sure my ex would win overall. She hides her neuroses pretty well -- has everybody thinking she's still an "angel". (She fooled me for over 19 years -- but she couldn't fool my IC however, and I know she wouldn't fool anyone else wise to such antics either.)
Still, if there's an award for the most covertly and stealthily insane, my xW would take it hands down.
Today I shelled out $2k that I don't really have and can't really afford for the parenting coordinator's retainer. This really hurts fiscally at this time. But it can't be helped. More debt because of someone's selfishness.
...
I forgot to mention that on Saturday I went to a new bible study that my friends and I are starting up, after a summer hiatus. It is on Ed Young's "Betrayal and Forgiveness" series. So far it looks very good. My friend "M" that I met through DivorceCare played hostess again -- she pulled a sneak attack on me then, inviting one of her girlfriends over for me in particular to meet. "D" seemed very nice, attractive too. But afterwards I jokingly warned M that I was going to start calling her "Emma" if she keeps this up, not giving me fair warning first. (You ladies out there who like Jane Austen will know what I mean -- exW absolutely loved that stuff and I got my full fill over the years.)
I'm not placing too much into this, however, in case any of you are wondering. It was just a casual first meeting, nothing more. We talked a while, that's all. We'll see whether Ms. "D" shows up at our next bible study meeting, which because of everyone's schedules is not until next month.
...
Oh, and I mentioned in other folk's threads that I had been talking with a young lady of 35 who I had originally met a couple of years ago when S8 was in soccer. I ran into her again this summer and we seemed to hit it up fairly well. But eventually I could see that wasn't really going to work out -- she could see it too. She is extremely fit and very attractive but other than our kids being the same ages, I feel like she was/is just a bit too young for me -- or I'm a bit too old. Not to say I think someone in her age group is incapable of being more mature, in which things might have been more compatible, it's that in this case I could just feel the age difference more-so than usual. We just didn't have quite as much in common other than the kids and our extracurricular activities.
On the other hand I am worried that women closer to my own age aren't really going to feel they have as much in common with me -- by now, most of their children are all grown whereas I still have two little ones. They're worried about getting their youngest kids into college while I am still anticipating getting my youngest into kindergarten. I am 46 now and yet I have a hard time associating my thinking with my peers who have college-age kids. (But perhaps with the right lady I would make the adjustment. I don't know.)
It's just a weird predicament I find myself in as I contemplate entering the "dating scene" again. It's crazy enough as it is without this being caught between two worlds like this. So I think I'm going to just take my time and just live my life, and if God has someone in store for me I will find her when He says the time is right.
That's why I made the particularly discreet reference to "glass houses".