Ok, I checked through some of my notes from my DB coaching sessions and she suggested 3 weeks to trial new strategy but keep in mind that's my case and H had been gone a while then. I did try nc then and it didn't work so coach suggested I reinitiate contact with H which was not difficult. I simply asked him to do me a favour re the kids. She said anger and impatience are my greatets enemies and guess she is right. That's what strikes me about Dia's sitch. She has patiently affirmed and moved slowly, slowly with no expectations-lessons for all. Keep thinking that there's no one right way to do this...........
My experience is that last summer, when I started DBing, I went n/c and only let h initiate, which he did every 10 days or so (mostly annoying ones asking if I was ok and could we sell the house!!). Then in Oct/ Nov it went more n/c then in January it reignited a little and has progressed since then to when we sold the house. That period of n/c was necessary because I had been pursuing and doing all the pre-DBing things so showed h I was 'safe' and he didn't feel pressured from me. It also helped me to be detached so I was no longer desperate when h did contact. This is why you are n/c at the moment Nell. It is quite important in the early stages.
However Cas, you are further along. Your h does not view you as pursuing therefore I think you may have gone dark because you were annoyed at the dynamic of the friendship so wanted to shake it up a little. He hasn't reacted as yet. As you say though he may not have realised.
I am thinking, how long has it been? I would give it another week after him realising you were in the house and didn't say hello and see what happens. If nothing happens then we can look at some different strategies for 'coming out of the dark' rather than reacting with divorce - unless that is what you truly want.
There is a thread that JamesJohn wrote about coming out of the dark which is on the solution workshop page. It might be worth reading through that for ideas.
Bonny, I don't think it will look like backing down because h has no idea you are using a strategy on him. So long as you don't have a pursuing reason and do it right it should be fine.
I don't think they notice when we don't contact either, I know for sure that it wouldn't even occur to my H that I no longer ring, email or anything, they don't think like we do.
I don't know how long you would do it for, doesn't the DR book say 2 weeks minimum before you analyse if something is working or not.
It's 2 weeks since I made contact with H. It was bothering me a little on the weekend but back at work today and I'm fine again so I'm going to keep at it and I'll reconsider in a week's time. He hasn't contacted me and I don't think he will. He will be busy as he has a very significant exam coming up and if he even thinks I'm deliberately out of touch he will do the same. He is very stubborn so he would outlast me easily. He didn't speak to his parents for months when the A was first revealed. And in addition, he probably couldn't care less if I don't make contact. So, while I'm out of touch I have to work on a few things. To begin it's to do with the house. it all looks ok but it could look smarter. Then it's me as well. I have the health stuff to sort first and then I'm back to gym and I've always wanted to have makeup lessons so I will look into that, too.
You're right I did this because I wanted to change the friendship thing a little with him...tired of him cake-eating but following Dia's sitch and I'm reconsidering that. Perhaps instead of recognising the steps closer we've made I only saw what he wasn't doing for me and how he doesn't contribute very much to the friendship. I need patience!!
On the other hand I am not going to be walked over and I still feel the need to let him know how I feel about the way he spoke to me a few weeks back. It may not score me any points but I would at least be setting a boundary. Won't follow this up until I make a decision abcout making contact.
Perhaps i can manage both....call him down the track and get him back on side and then gently broach the subject.
Had a great day at work..looking forward to another good one tomorrow.
Hope work is going okay for you. It will be good when you can get back into the gym, I found once I was given the all clear to go back it was the best thing on earth and has helped enormously during these past couple of months.
It is so hard this cake eating thing, whether to accept it or put a stop to it. For some the decision to stop it works really well but for others to let it happen seems to work wonders too.
Hi Cas Just checking in. I'm wondering about the nc thing too ... I need to leave it a while longer but I shall be watching how you go.
For me, it's been an enormous struggle without contacting H ... it feels too final for me, even though I know that at some stage we have to speak about the way forward, the house etc...
Hope that you are doing OK ((Cas)) - catch you soon!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
