Well, its taken sometime for me to finally be able to post anything here. Luckily, for those that follow GIMA, he has been a huge help to me as I navigated through the first stages of the bomb being dropped. I only wish he and I had connected earlier.
In some of GIMA's posts I am referred to as "K." The person whose WAW is also friends with GIMA's WAW. When I finally called him for support and help, I was blown away in learning about the WAW, the script, well everything. The problem was that I was 45 days into it and I had made all of the newbie mistakes of pursuit, snooping etc... If I had only known then what I know now. Boy, I bet that has been said a million times here..
So now the hard part begins. 17 days ago, my W was only talking about D. She was on the move because I had uncovered some information about OM and brought it to her parents. I know, again, very bad mistake, but my relationship with them may be better than her own relationship. So anyway, I screwed up there causing an already tense sitch to go overboard. With C's help and much txting with GIMA (his bill will be out of control this month) I was told in no uncertain terms to stop P immediatley, begin to detach and stop snooping. For those who are doing that and those that need to - much easier said than done. However, the logic behind it appears to be spot on.
At that point she set a time frame of 14 days to decide whether to D or hang around and try to work on things. Now her self imposed deadline has passed. I have made no attempts to discuss our R nor has she. The strange thing is that yesterday she was actually nice to me, even smiled a few times at my jokes (which are all, of course, based on a male 14 year old mentality. I mean, do we really ever grow up?)
With two children (S10, S12) in the mix, I am in no way wanting a seperation outside of the house or a D. Like so many others, I still love W, but need to reach the point of being able to love her but allow her to make the mistakes she needs to.
So I sit and wait. I am working on GAL, making some new friends at church and begining to work out more. But it is tough.
Any thoughts on the correctness of this approach are appreciated.
Also, I have not seen any recent signs of OM so I feel that may have been less of an issue than I expected and more of a symptom of her internal WAW issues. Antennas are up, but just can't sit around and snoop or spy. Doesnt do me any good.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
I recall GIMA's posts with some of your Sitch, GIMA has been a big help for a lot of people.
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In some of GIMA's posts I am referred to as "K." The person whose WAW is also friends with GIMA's WAW. When I finally called him for support and help, I was blown away in learning about the WAW, the script, well everything. The problem was that I was 45 days into it and I had made all of the newbie mistakes of pursuit, snooping etc... If I had only known then what I know now. Boy, I bet that has been said a million times here..
We all make mistakes, have made mistakes, and will make more mistakes, but try not to dwell on them. Acknowledge them, and then move forward.
Your starting on the only path you have, working on GAL, detachment, etc, all that you mentioned.
Spend some time reading up on this forum, and other people's sitch's. You'll be surprised where you find similarities to your own sitch, and some great advice, even when not directed straight at your sitch.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
SSGA, Sorry you are here but it is the place to be for what you are living thru. This is good that you can think right now.
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the logic behind it appears to be spot on.
You are going to hear things that sound counter-intuitive and you will object to the advice. Have a open mind, pray for discernment and think before you act.
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based on a male 14 year old mentality. I mean, do we really ever grow up?)
Even though she laughed this isn't attractive. She wants you to be grown-up, responsible yet spontaneous, in control yet passionate, decisive but turn to her for input. Confusing to a guy but what a man does. Take care of business.
Read others that you can relate to and post on their threads to get input back. Read from the women's perpsective here. The community here is great, very supportive, quick with a hand and quicker with 2x4s. GIMA is a good DBer to have in your corner. You can handle it.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach, thank you for the advice and support. I am not happy to have ended here, but glad to have found so many folks with solid wisdom which I know will help me through this.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
SS. I saw your sitch and couldn't believe it. I have simlar...W and BFF are both asking for D's. Within 30 days of eachother. I wish the best of luck. I am glad you have Gima for support. My BFF thinks my W flipped his so he is going through some bitterness. Won't talk with me any longer.
This BFF D thing seems so rediculous, like school girls planning a double date or a trip the mall.
I recently read a book called Hold on to your Nuts. It was great. It is similar to the advise you get here. I would recommend it as it is a fast read and in most sitch applicable at some level.
So last night was just plain odd, but it certainly fits the pattern. We had a pleasent evening, even sitting next to eachother on the couch to watch some lame TV show. Not much was said, but her toes were touching my leg the whole time. Then before she went to her room to go to sleep, she kissed me good night, that kissed morphed into a little bit deeper and longer one. Then, the ML discussion came up. Grab the 2x4 and tell me NOT to have that discussion again, but I can't help it. She says "no it will muddy the waters" - I retort - "how much more muddy can it get?" Anyways, she goes on to say that she didn't want to ML tonight but she would think about it for the future.
For others in the forum, what's the general thought on this? If the WAW wants to ML, do you? Even if it may be meaningless to them and it is just to satisfy a physical need? Or do you push back? I dont know if it will come up again, but I want to make sure I am prepared in case it does...
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
ML is a personal decision. For me, it kept H close and reminded him of one of the pretty damn good aspects of our marriage, if I may be so honest. Other days, I may have to admit he was getting his cake and eating it too. But ultimately, our sex life was always pretty good to great. Very compatible there. Frankly, I know it’s one of the things on the list of “reasons not to leave Stronger”. So, pro’s and con’s. And really, the whole freaking thing is going to be crazy and you aren’t ever going to know what’s coming next with them. Sometimes you will just think WTH? Other times you’ll be upset, and sometimes, you will even be able to laugh. Hang in there.
"You are right. I don't think I would be that into it anyway." And mean it. Watch the dynamic change. Don't ask questions back. You don't want crumbs, a confident man wouldn't accept that.
please tell me you aren't being all needy and clingy on her. You need to be the first one out of the room, not hanging around to see if you get a goodnight hug/kiss. You end the conversations. You are a man who has things to do.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
