H made contact via email (which seems to be the preferred method for him) asking about the birthday next week. Looks like he wants to go ahead with a family meal.
Time to get out the best frock, get my hair down, smile and generally look like he's the one missing out.
Got a few good GAL things going on between now and then which should shake him up a bit. We'll see.
Coaching sess is on saturday so I may get a few ideas on how to handle it before we meet.
I’ve been following up on all your threads and it’s given me loads to think about. I’m still committed to the NC route (it’s been about a month), GAL and so on. There’s been one short email exchange re the birthday this week. I asked H to do a small thing re the birthday and find it’s been delegated to one of the kids, which is a bit petty. Also a quick visit to pick the kids up, I kept in the background then.
Coaching sess with Laurie was good. She suggested that I rephrase emails and so on with my H so that he has to take a more active part rather than getting the no/yes/ok responses that I’ve had in the past or I ask him to do something and he ignores (see above). Also that I keep some sort of bridge between him and me going ie the odd email just to update him. Not sure about that yet seems to be opposite of what I’m doing with the NC approach. Which by the way is working for me, not sure whether it’s helping the M though.
Have to say though seeing him in my kitchen yesterday was for me OK although he seemed to be a bit on edge. In fact I can look at him objectively at last and begin to wonder if I want him back at all. I do love my H but do I want him back in my life……the jury’s out. And just as a side one of the kids took a picture of him on his phone when I looked back at it the H looked a bit like a gnome – he he. Can’t imagine jumping into bed with Grumpy, Doc, Sleepy and co.
Ok do I actually love my H? That’s the question I’ve been pondering on and off since my H left. Or do I simply love having a complete family and my H is part of that? The dream that we will grow old together surrounded by grandkids?
This may sound stupid, but I do love my H when I’m thinking about him and I’ve not seen him. However a couple of hours in his company changes all that and I can see that he’s behaving sneaky, can’t look me in the eye, is disinteresting and disrespectful qualities that I can live without. So am I in love with the idea of him rather than the actual him? Maybe I’m in love with the man I met 25 years ago, the confident young man not the arrogant middle aged version?
In the meantime I’m continuing with the NC.
Perhaps what I need is a date – how do you get one of those I wonder? Everyone I know is too young or too married or too gay.
Bonny, love all your reflections. I'm there with you. Maybe it's because we're both hovering around that 2 year mark. I love H but until I see real, consistent actions and not just words I'm feeling jaded with him. I think Laurie might have a point with the occasional contact...it leaves the door open just slightly for communication to grow but allows you to continue in nc mode enough to let him know you are moving on without him and certainly don't need him. I have a photo of the kids which I might send him just to test his response.
As for finding a date.....I'm strongly relating to that too. I'm hoping now that i am moving away from H I might be putting out a stronger vibe to friends and family that I am more open to considering the possibilities.
Hope you dont mind me reading your sitch, Im english too so thought I'd just say hi! Im really a newbie to all this H only left seven weeks ago after two and half months of me making a pigs ear of things before finding DB. My S is twenty one so H doesnt need to contact me for the children as they have their own relationship apart from me now he is grown up although he still lives at home so I know what you mean its hard to keep mysterious! Im a bit like you in being independant, well I thought I was I might look like it but actually I had become quite fearful and reliant on H, but I have so 180 on that front and am beginning to enjoy being "miss kick ar*e" as my friend called me. Anyway any longer and it wont be just hi lol!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
No prob Rabbit the more the merrier. This is an early stage for you so you’ve got a better chance of turning your sitch round. I did all the wrong things for months, then we had terrible counseling from Relate which made the problems worse. I probably didn’t discover DB until my H had been gone for about a year, but think if I knew earlier I’d have been more successful. Good luck to you.
Cas I’m beginning to see that there is be a difference between loving my H and loving him as a H and wanting him to come home. I know that I love him but can I now after nearly two years and OW really love him like a W should? Not sure.
Anyway tomorrow’s the family meal so need to get looking fabulous for that. Perhaps when I see him in that sort of setting my mind will have made a decision.
Thinking of starting a club with my mate, it’s called FLAB (Find a Loaded and Attractive Bloke) anyone else care to join?
I think I am in the same place as you. It is hard wondering where the person you were with for so long went? Or if they are still there or what is going on really. It is the two year thing I think for me (and seeing that FB picture). AM I in love with my husband or the idea of my husband?
I had a bad experience with Relate too. I can't believe the one big marriage counseling service gets it so wrong. I hardly know any couples that have been there and stayed together, it is almost like it helps them to split!
Starting to date is a bit like a minefield. Do you belong to any clubs or societies? Or can you join a more male orientated one? Or there is internet dating... Or speed dating, that always looks like it would be a laugh.
Snap on the Relate front, having persuaded him to go which believe me wasnt easy, she tried to do the "you know the grass isnt really greener" speech, and when that wasnt actually happening, she actually suggested "trial separation" H was out the door so fast it left me reeling! He has been gone for seven weeks now, out of that he popped back after two, and then for two consecutive weeks and I havent seen him since, all though out of the blue he wants to pop in an stay this weekend, I know most of it is he needs things but Im still surprised its not a flypast! Perhaps we should actually let Relate know about our experiences, Im dam sure I wouldnt recommend them again to anyone.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
