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#1841225 - 09/21/09 11:29 AM Re: New Boundaries for the Bride [Re: Andabelle]
sleeper Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/07
Posts: 1843
Loc: The Great State of Confusion
Quote:
...unequivocally still standing,...


How do you balance "standing" against allowing the ultimate in cake eating? My first wife (it's not my first rodeo) became very upset when I began to date after we split up and actually said to me she thought she could put me "on a shelf" and I would still be there when and if she wanted me back. She was dating (of course) but in her mind I was supposed to sit and pine away for her ad infinitum.

X hasn't said such but became very upset when I began to date and as recently as this weekend one of her concerns sems to be that Ladtyfriend and I may be "serious" because we have been dating for a while. She verbalized that conclusion when I rejected her attempts to set up a blind date for me with the lady of her choosing. I think one goal of her overture was to determine if we are indeed serious, the other to control who I date and steer me toward someone who has no children of their own as she has said she doesn't want our kids in a "blended" family situation.

So how do you "stand" without sending the message that you are putting your ife on hold until and if they ever want to return to the marriage or begin a new R with you.

By doing so aren't you really living their life and not your own?
_________________________
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib
Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12
Bomb and OM 12/15/06
Separated 01/02/07
Divorced 05/13/08
X married OM(OMH) 08/2009
Married 06/09/13

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#1841323 - 09/21/09 02:19 PM Re: New Boundaries for the Bride [Re: sleeper]
fisherman Offline
Member

Registered: 10/12/08
Posts: 4034
Originally Posted By: sleeper
My first wife (it's not my first rodeo) became very upset when I began to date after we split up and actually said to me she thought she could put me "on a shelf" and I would still be there when and if she wanted me back.


That seems to be the way their warped minds work. This is on us however....So is it foward with life or sitting around collecting dust.

Quote:
she has said she doesn't want our kids in a "blended" family situation.


Don't take this the wrong way but.... tough shitt! She has no say in this whatsoever.

Quote:
So how do you "stand" without sending the message that you are putting your ife on hold until and if they ever want to return to the marriage or begin a new R with you.

By doing so aren't you really living their life and not your own?


You live your life for you and your children. You be the best man and father that you can possibly be. Live in the moment and stay open to whatever may come your way.

You stop putting any energy into the question of whether or not she will ever return. If it is meant to be it will happen and you will deal with it at the very moment.

Live for today, live for you and your children.

You hold that plate of cake my friend.
_________________________
Don't stand still.

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#1841465 - 09/21/09 05:17 PM Re: New Boundaries for the Bride [Re: sleeper]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Originally Posted By: sleeper

So how do you "stand" without sending the message that you are putting your life on hold until and if they ever want to return to the marriage or begin a new R with you.

By doing so aren't you really living their life and not your own?


Yes, you are living their life as their puppet.

In my opinion, 'standing' doesn't mean being their puppet. It means that I personally will not get into any other relationship until I am 100% sure I am not 'hoping against all hope'.

Second, you are confusing 'standing' for 'enabling'. You are both in this 'dance' that will only end when you end it. She isn't going to so you must be the one to do it. Think '180'.

I have a great counselor. She has always said to me that this relationship has to end before it can begin again. STBX has to live 100% without me before she can see what it means to not have me in her life. As do I.

I too have some hope for you and her, but only if it all ends first. I do know that nothing will happen until it all ends. Get off the leash you are on. Climb down from the shelf.

Read my signature.
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#1841467 - 09/21/09 05:21 PM Re: New Boundaries for the Bride [Re: frank_D]
brandnewday Offline
Member

Registered: 04/25/05
Posts: 9678
Loc: Somewhere over the rainbow
Frank...

Are you still standing for your Marriage?

I thought you were done.
_________________________
There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.

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#1841577 - 09/21/09 07:14 PM Re: New Boundaries for the Bride [Re: brandnewday]
fisherman Offline
Member

Registered: 10/12/08
Posts: 4034
Sleeper,

What I meant by you holding the cake was that you get to decide how much to give, and how available to be.

Do what is best for you. There is a way to move forward while still keeping an open mind.
_________________________
Don't stand still.

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#1841618 - 09/21/09 07:51 PM Re: New Boundaries for the Bride [Re: brandnewday]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Originally Posted By: brandnewday
Frank...

Are you still standing for your Marriage?

I thought you were done.


I am standing back and allowing it to end, much like Sleeper has done. It's only be letting it all go that it has any possibility of starting over some day.

25yearsmlc told a story of her relatives who got divorced and after having other relationships and being nothing more than 'civil' were able to see they could be together once they had grown. This took 5 years.

Is that 'standing' or simply leaving the door open to possibilities while living your life?

BND, we don't really have a definition for 'standing'. My definition that works for me is simply this: I know in my heart I can't love someone else right now. I also know that I am enabling my STBX just as Sleeper is and in ANY situation that is not healthy.

You know that old saying, "If you love something set it free..."

I have set mine free. Whatever happens next will be because God chooses it.
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#1841619 - 09/21/09 07:51 PM Re: New Boundaries for the Bride [Re: fisherman]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Originally Posted By: trapt
Sleeper,

What I meant by you holding the cake was that you get to decide how much to give, and how available to be.

Do what is best for you. There is a way to move forward while still keeping an open mind.


I like this
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#1841845 - 09/22/09 01:41 AM Re: New Boundaries for the Bride [Re: frank_D]
sleeper Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/07
Posts: 1843
Loc: The Great State of Confusion
Hey frank, I figured out what "standing" is......

"Im Still Standing" (Too Low For Zero, Elton John, 198?)

........
"Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind"
.....

Bernie Taupin

"PICKING UP THE PIECES OF MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU ON MY MIND" (What more could one say?)
_________________________
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib
Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12
Bomb and OM 12/15/06
Separated 01/02/07
Divorced 05/13/08
X married OM(OMH) 08/2009
Married 06/09/13

Top
#1841856 - 09/22/09 02:03 AM Re: New Boundaries for the Bride [Re: sleeper]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Originally Posted By: sleeper
Hey frank, I figured out what "standing" is......

"Im Still Standing" (Too Low For Zero, Elton John, 198?)

........
"Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind"
.....

Bernie Taupin

"PICKING UP THE PIECES OF MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU ON MY MIND" (What more could one say?)


WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY cool!
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#1841860 - 09/22/09 02:06 AM Re: New Boundaries for the Bride [Re: frank_D]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Sleeper, I forgot what your job vocation is...
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