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#1842806 - 09/22/09 07:41 PM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: dolphin_05]
girlfromoz Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/09
Posts: 885
I understand Cas.
_________________________

Trying to keep hope alive

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#1843016 - 09/23/09 04:03 AM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: girlfromoz]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
Another interesting day in DB land. I rang H back today as I promised I would last night to update him on the health issues I mentioned last night. We spoke for 25 minutes and it was like H of old....very caring and pleasant as he can be. We talked about a few kid issues and other stuff. He reiterated that he wants us to be friends. I said that this time I deserved to be treated with respect (referring but not renaming shouting/name calling/swearing) and that it should not be me that was the only one who initiated friendship. He said he understood that. I figured I had nothing to lose by setting the boundaries.

I very clearly told him that this was the last chance for us to be friends and any behaviour from him that was contrary to what I expected would mean that I would again revert to nc as I had learnt that I didn't need him if he behaved so appalingly. So, yes he did notice the nc Nell. In good DB style I ended the conversation first.

Interestingly, he did not say a word about the settlement or my solicitor. I still think settlement is the way to go but I will give it a few more days.

So have I just opened myself to more cake eating? Probably, but I figure I've put it out there and he knows my expectations. NC has really shown me I'm just fine however things go and if he stuffs up, it's his loss. Think this knowledge should in turn enhance my sense of confidence and self worth (and I'm sure the surgery has helped that too)!

So still wondering if the email was about settlement or about nc!!

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#1843024 - 09/23/09 05:07 AM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: dolphin_05]
JCJ Offline
Member

Registered: 05/27/08
Posts: 3316
Loc: London, UK
Hi Cas

I love your actions. I especially love the bush fire analogy. I think you did really well on the phone.

Now is a chance to change behavioural patterns with him. Look at how you have played it in the past and do something different. What I mean is, who normally initiates? Where do you meet or interact? Is it alone or with the kids? That kind of thing. You have a fresh start with this friendship thing. Great job!
_________________________
M- May 2006
D - Aug 2010
Now travelling the world

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#1843025 - 09/23/09 05:17 AM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: dolphin_05]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
I so feel for you Cas - you and I have similarities in our sitch and I think that you are much braver facing this than I am. I am the proverbial ostrich and hoping that it all goes away ...

I too love the bushfire analogy and I SO WISH that it works - not only for you but for us all. You are doing so well ((Cas)) - I know that it's not easy and with all the health issues surrounding you and your family, it's just what you don't need at this time.

Sending you positive vibes - look up and see the Southern Cross and know that it's bringing you my best.
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1843027 - 09/23/09 05:22 AM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: Eskimo Nell]
doormat6 Offline
New Member

Registered: 09/21/09
Posts: 12
Loc: Michigan
Uh Ohhhhhhh - Don't KNOW that I should have posted this to W, but I did....share your thoughts...


"I wish you would let me into your FB life.....I know there are things you don't want me to see....that was obvious by the posting that was made by " both of us" last week on the same pic....but secrets are different than privacy (I feel) . I feel like they are not good for anyone. Its just some are more hurtful than others. Merely a request, and one you certainly don't have to allow. I so badly want to build back trust, without that NOTHING will ever move forward or be healthy, and no matter what our future holds...we are going to have to have that for obvious reasons."

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#1843035 - 09/23/09 06:14 AM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: doormat6]
doormat6 Offline
New Member

Registered: 09/21/09
Posts: 12
Loc: Michigan
Well, a rough morning brought on by ME I suppose. The roller coaster got me. DB instructs me not to act as I did in the past 12 hrs, but my stupidity and emotions got the best of me. She has so much of her life that she wont disclose, no transparency at all, and that bothers me; but I don't know that she can or wants to change that. That is one of my single biggest issues with her, and well her A & OEA. But even after that, I am willing and want to stay with her for all of the reasons a couple gets married to begin with.

I said somethings with "tone", not really a fight, and I approached in when she was in a vulnerable state (showering), OMG what was I thinking....1 step forward and 3 steps back....
Well I am not sure that we actually had the 1 step forward in her mind.

Back to being a loyal DB practitioner....and trying not to slip up.....

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#1843602 - 09/23/09 05:23 PM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: JCJ]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
Julia, I guess from this I've recognised that H still doesn't want to let go entirely. However, words are easily spoken and his actions will tell the real story. This is not an opportunity for him to jump back on the cake eating train. This time he has to initiate contact or I will return to nc status. I still love him and would love to sort this out but it's certainly not going to be at 'my expense'.

I learnt that my nc did have an impact. I did say earlier both that he might not have noticed and then that he couldn't care less that I was nc but it appears I was wrong. I know now I can NC and it brings personal strength and a way forward.

Yesterday's return call and convo shows him I am still approachable and in that convo I did acknowledge my faults too so I think we have a pretty clear base. In the convo I mentioned the dinner we had after s's formal and I said I really enjoyed it and I know you did too (he text me to say so) and he didn't deny. If he now chooses nc I will take steps to wrap up quickly. In fact, for some time I had been considering changing my name back and your bank actions inspired me to look into that.

Now as far as the behavioural patterns...good questions. I normally initiate and it's usually around family; meals together or school/sporting events. we have met for coffee just the two of us quite a few times but not for months. I agree that it's a chance to mix things up but it's a softly, softly approach too. I think I need to wait a little bit to see if I hear from him. Then.......... well I've got no idea! I have previously stuck with the family/coffee scenarios as they are 'safe' and he is more likely to accept.

I am thinking that I need to tap into his interests that I could participate in perhaps.... flying, concerts and walking on the beach. I would have to keep my detached stance here so that I handle rejection carefully. Of course, his new house is another thought. Anyway, all this rambling may be for nothing. He could just be luring me back in!

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#1843623 - 09/23/09 06:05 PM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: dolphin_05]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
Hey Nell, couldn't see too much across the eastern sky yesterday because of the huge dust storm. I have never seen anything like it. My carpets were just cleaned the day before and they feel awful and there's a film of dirt over every surface. They say car washes will have a HUGE trade today!

Nell, keep in mind how long I've been at this...... 2 years. I was an ostrich for ages and I was so in denial. The times are changing but I certainly get no award for my ability to process and move quickly. That's perhaps why I need to do a 180 and bring him the paperwork for settlement.

Be kind to yourself Nell and be patient. This is one hell of a journey. Buckle up and hold tight! Hugs to you, Cas

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#1843627 - 09/23/09 06:12 PM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: dolphin_05]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
Hi Doormat and welcome to the site. I am sure you will find lots of help, support and words of wisdom here. So you can give a background to your story and people can follow along I suggest you set up your own thread and place it in newcomers. This will help you to read and re-read your sitch and the advice people give you. I think we need this background, too before we can make any valid suggestions.

Cas

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#1843636 - 09/23/09 06:18 PM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: dolphin_05]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Thanks Cas - seems that more than one of us has sand in our eyes!!

I am really hoping that your H will contact you soon so that you do not have to go to wrapping things up 'quickly' but then I want for you to have peace in your heart - whichever way that comes for YOU. This whole process is so painful and the sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach, constantly, is the worse kind of torture.

Didn't hear about the dust storm but then I tend not to have the TV or radio on anymore. I can't stand all the romantic songs - it kind of crawls under my skin right now!

Have you got those new non-touch car washes with you (guess you have as the East gets it all before us)! Sure to make someone a heap of $s, especially if the dust has settled that badly!!

Thanks for your support Cas - it's a good thing that us girls are all so kind to one another. Hope that you have a lovely beach walk today.
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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