Cake eating WAW in MLC and EA part 2

[iwantittowork]

Cabbr

I made apoint of telling her tonight that whether she wants to admit it or not that she is out a lot and s9 notices and is upset and concerned. He talks about it all the time.

I understand what you were aiming for here, but I believe you took too confrontational and approach given your sitch. I am not clear on what the correct way would be, but the way you put it here, puts her on defense immediately.

Not much will happen positive after that, she'll be defending herself to you, and then it becomes abuot you and her, rather than about your S9..

Just a thought..

[CABBR]

Cabbr

I made apoint of telling her tonight that whether she wants to admit it or not that she is out a lot and s9 notices and is upset and concerned. He talks about it all the time.

I understand what you were aiming for here, but I believe you took too confrontational and approach given your sitch. I am not clear on what the correct way would be, but the way you put it here, puts her on defense immediately.

Not much will happen positive after that, she'll be defending herself to you, and then it becomes abuot you and her, rather than about your S9..

Just a thought..

IWITW,

Thanks. I'm sure you're right. She says that "He'll have to get used to it." That really turned my stomach. I guess I have to just be the best Dad I can be and suck up those kind of remarks. It astounds me that she can be so self absorbed.

The conversation was about how to talk to my son about going to see a counselor today, which she wanted me to handle. She was saying that he seemed happy the last few days and I reminded her of the outburst on the phone with her the day before where he wouldn't talk to her. She had played down her doing things with friends as something akin to him having playdates. And that she does things with him all the time. She was dismissive of the idea that she was not home that much.

I really don't know how to act around her - other than to be civil and generally helpful as one would be to a stranger. Talking to our son as if nothing is wrong when he KNOWS something is clearly not right seems insulting to s9.

I'm trying to be with my boys a much as possible, but I guess I need to get out a bit.

Cabbr

[iwantittowork]

Thanks. I'm sure you're right. She says that "He'll have to get used to it." That really turned my stomach. I guess I have to just be the best Dad I can be and suck up those kind of remarks. It astounds me that she can be so self absorbed.

Ah, yes, I have heard the same things, felt the same way as you, and been more than astounded at times as well. I bet many here can say the same. This is where how you react becomes key, what she says and does may not seem rational to you, but to her they do. Reacting negatively to them doesn't get us anywhere, that I have learned all too well already myself.

The conversation was about how to talk to my son about going to see a counselor today, which she wanted me to handle.

Is the implication here that your W doesn't think s9 needs to see counselor, or do you both agree he needs to see counselor? I don't think it should be your responsibility to be the only one to talk with him about it. You can state that to your W in a non confrontational, honest way. If she still doesn't agree, then you'll have to decide how to handle that best, and what's best for you and your s9.

I'm trying to be with my boys a much as possible, but I guess I need to get out a bit.

Yes! What is cabbr doing for cabbr lately? What GAL have you done? Gone out with a friend for dinner? Taking up sky diving? Whatever it is Cabbr wants to do for himself needs to be on your game plan. This is huge not just for you, but for you s9 as well.

Ultimately you need to have a strong PMA, and that includes doing things for you that help build that up. THAT is what your s9 will be seeing and night or two out for Cabbr will not affect anything in your family negatively.

[CABBR]

IWITW,

Yes, I have to work on being a little more detached from statements like that. It's hard because we're not just talking about me - it's my son. She can give up on me, but I'm not letting her quit on s9.

We both agreed on the counseling, which was largely in the context of a potential ADHD diagnosis. He exhibits anger and frustration easily sometimes too, but this is likely, in part, to the situation at home. I was OK with talking to my son about it, which I did this morning.

I am very reluctant to medicate my son because he has been parented so inconsistently, but I don't think it's a bad thing for him to see a counselor. S9 is a bright kid, yet struggles in some areas like organization and staying on task. I want us to make a more concerted effort to work with him in those areas.

I've finally got some plans this week to do some stuff, which should be fun.

Cabbr

[CABBR]

Checking in with PDT, Greek, Robx, IWITW, MAC-CT, Mules and GIMA,

I have not been active here for about a month as things have been pretty much status quo. I've taken a couple of trips with the kids that were fun, been busy with work and spent time with some good friends.

Tomorrow I have to appear in court on a motion for temporary relief, wherein my W is asking for support, possession of the marital home and an interim determination of parental rights and responsibilities. She's not really wanting for much. although I stopped contributing to the saucy wardrobe fund and don't pay for her cell phone.

She's taking a couple of on-line courses to help launch a new career and expected me to pay for it, so I politely declined.

I don't think she has a prayer wrt to the house in the near term, but I'll probably be required to provide money over and above the needs of the family. I'm still camped at 50% on custody and she is adamant about a 4/3 split where I have s9 and s6 most of every weekend. So that will prove interesting.

After returning home from a trip with my boys over labor day w-e, they were both upset that W wasn't home - she was working. S6 was hysterical. It upset me too because they are hurting and I wanted W to know that.

So I told her the following day and also mentioned how selfish I thought she was being and thinking only of herself. This was probably a mistake for several reasons - mostly because I allowed my emotions to get the better of me -I didn't lose my mind but was agitated. Also because it shows that I'm not doing such a hot job of detaching sometimes. For me though it was more about the loss my kids are feeling and that really burns me. Lastly because it's unproductive.

She reiterated the new-age bat$h!t logic that the kids will be fine. I said yeah, you keep saying that and maybe you'll believe it.

A few weeks back, I learned W joined an online dating site, so I joined and observed her profile without making any contact. Neither of us had pix posted. She emails my alter ego and suggests that I reconsider as we have a lot in common. So I establish a dialogue with her but after a week or so she suddenly terminates her membership. Too funny but equally pathetic.

Cabbr

[givingitmyall]

Hey cabbr.

Sounds like you are holding up, but I agree with you that you still feel too much to be detached. I can completely understand getting angered over the hurt to the kids.

Still, you have to be the bigger person here, both for your kids and yourself. Your kids need, and deserve, a well adjusted, emotionally happy father.

You can do it. Just get to work.

[CABBR]

Thanks GIMA,

I read a little of your sitch. At least there appears to be some hope of R for you and your W. You've been patient and calm, which seems like it's been productive in your case. I wish you the best. Hopefully you'll be one of the success stories on here.

Cabbr

[CABBR]

We had the "hearing" on temporary relief. My L seems to think it was huge that I am in my house until at least January and am sharing custody equally during that time period. The process consisted of our respective lawyers hashing out a compromise to submit to the judge to sign. I have to pay $600 in monthly support for the time being and don't have to pay for W's personal expenses beyond that.

However, I also have to scrape together as much as I can to help pay off her credit card debt incurred since she filed, which seems ridiculous, but the final disposition of that particular issue was held in reserve. W wouldn't agree to have it count toward her ultimate distribution, which again seems absurd. My L notes that my W was quite agitated that I wasn't just giving her what she wants and that she was in full entitlement mode. No disagreement there.

However, we did have a nice evening as a family. A couple of families from the neighborhood got together at one house for pizza and hanging out. W apparently told one couple we know quite well what is happening. The husband took me aside and let me know he was there for me, etc., which was very nice of him. He's a teddy bear of a guy - good man.

Anyway, he has heard or been relayed my W's version of events and rationale for wanting to end our M. And starts telling me that he could help me win her back, etc. And I'm like dude, I was in court today, she's done. She feels nothing for me as a H, doesn't love me, etc. He's a very well intentioned person and I've got another friend who thinks the same way, but they don't know half of what's going on, but still you think, OK, maybe he's right because here we are pretending we're still a family.

Cabbr

[givingitmyall]

Interesting. Why do your friends think they can help you win her back?

[sandi2]

Cabbr, I'm sure you have well meaning friends, but I don't think it would be wise to get your neighbors involved in your M problems. Michelle says not to talk to friends & family about it. Besides, you don't want your M troubles to become the gossip of the neighborhood. And that is exactly what would happen.