Still in the tunnel with hubby

[kjensen]

Its been awhile since I posted. I'm sure if I was naively thinking things were turning around much quicker in my situation...but husband is home, his affair ended. He's still in therapy and on antidepressants. We moved/downsized just a few miles from our old home two weeks ago...lots of stress. Things are still good one day and not-so-good- the next.. We are in MC... H still thinks about the OW some as she dumped him and 'became' this person he didn't recognize...he's still processing it all I think. I think things are slowly improving-its hard to have perspective. H will tell me he loves me after I say it first. He still longs to feel 'in love' with me and doesn't. Thinks we don't have much in common(16 years of marriage, 21 years together, two teenage daughters later...) .. I need to remember to DB more and not just react.. Anyone been where I am...-any thoughts on what to do or not do? I'm having a hard time staying positive.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Anyone been where I am

Ayup.

any thoughts on what to do or not do?

kjensen does:

I need to remember to DB more and not just react

That works.

[kjensen]

Thanks Jack.

[Concerned_Listener]

KJ,
What do you do to stay positive? Are you keeping up with those activities?

CL

[kjensen]

Hi CL,
I've really been too busy with selling a house and moving and getting the girls ready for school to focus on anything else. That may be part of the problem I realize...I still go to book club and am involved with the High School band support...I think now that things are settling down a bit I need to focus more on myself..its pretty easy for me to focus on everyone else, especially with teenage girls...
MC is helpful-had a session this morning after a doozy of an evening with H. We have some bad communication habits and certainly have some work there to do...sometimes we have a good connection, othertimes not...not sure how to minimize the 'disconnected' times and improve the connection overall... I think this is just such a long haul/process...I've just been discouraged lately..

[kjensen]

So, I'm Dbing more-kind of let it slide when h came home and started MC with me-focused on traditional therapy... One thing that puzzles me-that I don't recall people talking about- is that my H is bored alot. I don't know if its his depression, lack of passion for life...but he gets bored very easily and then I feel that I need to keep him busy(to keep him out of trouble?)...Anyone else have a MLC spouse with the same issue? just curious...not sure how to deal with it better. H realizes he needs to fill his life up(then of course my vulnerability rears its head that he'll fill it up with 'another' OW)...still some big insecurity there for me...

[forward]

I would suggest not buoying him up and concentrating on yourself. He is a big boy....

[kjensen]

You're right Forward. He is a big boy. He's kind of re-learning who he is, realizing he needs to make more friends of his own, fill his life..I actually wonder if he is in the withdrawal phase of MLC now. He's having a hard time getting up and out of bed in the morning which is really uncharacteristic. He seems more melancholy and introspective. I'm trying to leave him alone and be supportive from a distance. Its hard to see them struggling/hurting!

[kjensen]

I've been reading other threads to catch up a bit since I've not visited here in awhile..I'm not sure who is reading my thread but I thought maybe some retrospective hindsight might be helpful.

When H was having his affair, I snooped and drove by OW's house. Once H moved back he said that the OW had gotten a bit paranoid about me when she found out I drove by her house and my H defended me and said I wasn't a 'stalker'..which I think is funny now since I sure was acting a bit like one!

The OW didn't seem too interested in me, only asked once what I looked like...Wasn't interested at all in our children. She was very manipulative and definitely kept her own full life going and H was only a side attraction from the sound of it.

H has said he appreciates my stability. When he finally opened up to me(after the OW dumped him) he was 'amazed' that he could share things with me as he had for months felt that he had nothing to say to me. (I listened alot and validated constantly!) So the lesson there is that patience pays off-its the hardest part of this journey but probably has the biggest payback.

Letting our spouses lead the trip to therapy/counseling is key-it has to be their idea in order to succeed-at least in my case.

Best thing I've learned to do(most of the time) is stop mothering and taking care of H. Letting him "grow up" although painful to watch, is key.

H still has a rocky relationship with our daughters since they both were very hurt by the separation-I try to give them all as much alone time as I can. Things are slowly healing there(I hope). This still hurts him tremendously-to realize the disconnection with them.

Some of the 'complaints' H had about me were valid and where I've addressed them, we've had a better coming together(I lost weight/become more active/initiate sex more/mother less/and try to listen better/communicate more clearly...)

Just in case anyone was trying to glean info/help as I used to do I thought this might be somewhat helpful. There is sure a lot of experience on this forum and following people's histories/threads has been extrememly helpful to me. Thanks guys!

[D Money]

Good to hear from you K. Remember you can't fix things for him. What I mean is that he has to figure out what is going to "cure" his boredom.