There is a very good chance she will come to her own awakening about staying in her marriage. But only when you have made yourself happy and carry on as if the marriage no longer exists. No more pressure on her. Any talk should only be about the kids.
You need to be thinking this mantra...
My wife is gone. I dont need my wife, but I want her.
My marriage is over. I dont need my marriage, but I want my marriage.
I am just speaking from my own experience where I enforced strong boundaries with consequences and learned to detach from the dark period she was going through. She saw my increased strength and happiness and ultimately asked for another chance. But, I had actually discovered her true character, lack of emotional strength and I was much happier without her and let the divorce finalize.
Kevin, I know you're a believer. Yes, the Bible is full of examples of dramatic reversals (Manassah springs to mind, and obviously Saul of Tarsus, etc) ... but there's a lot of sad stories of people who didn't change one iota, too. Even if you grant that God does "change" some people and soften their hearts, he apparently doesn't do that in all cases, and here on earth we're not privy to all the whys and wherefores. Therefore, I don't understand your contention that it is somehow "worldly" to believe that your wife may choose to persist/be allowed to persist in her current choices.
Humility dictates that we don't try to do God's job for him. You should persist in whatever course seems morally correct to you. But by detaching to a healthy degree, getting on with your life (no, I don't mean dating, I mean living your gift of life to the full) and accepting ALL possible outcomes, you demonstrate that you are putting yourself fully into His hands.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Therefore, I don't understand your contention that it is somehow "worldly" to believe that your wife may choose to persist/be allowed to persist in her current choices.
Saying that she is not coming back is what I was disputing. I believe she will someday at some point. I just don't know when. It is that wait that is frusturating sometimes. Which I know is why you get a life so you aren't focused on your circumstances.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Once again. What gives you the right to make her decisions for her. That is very CONTROLLING THINKING... You dont have to like it over even agree with it but REALITY is REALITY. ACCEPTING someone where they are at is a GIFT and shows RESPECT. You have to give it before you get it...
What happens in 20 years from now when your daughter comes to you and tells you she wants to divorce her selfish, alcoholic husband. She's had enough of his lies and promises and cant do it anymore. What will you tell her? Truthfully... NOT what you would like to hear...
Kevin did you ever think that God is waiting for you to change before your wife comes home. You are standing for your M good for you. But God will only do it on his time and when he knows it is right. If you never change you could be standing for your M the rest of your life. Change, detach and let God do the work on your W. The only work Kevin needs to do is work on Kevin. If it takes 10 years for God to bring your W home are you still going to be emailing her asking her to come home?
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
Kevin did you ever think that God is waiting for you to change before your wife comes home.
Yes.
Quote:
You are standing for your M good for you. But God will only do it on his time and when he knows it is right.
I know.
Quote:
If you never change you could be standing for your M the rest of your life.
I agree.
Quote:
Change, detach and let God do the work on your W. The only work Kevin needs to do is work on Kevin.
I know.
Quote:
If it takes 10 years for God to bring your W home are you still going to be emailing her asking her to come home?
No. But I will still be standing.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
What happens in 20 years from now when your daughter comes to you and tells you she wants to divorce her selfish, alcoholic husband. She's had enough of his lies and promises and cant do it anymore. What will you tell her? Truthfully... NOT what you would like to hear... PMA
I think it is just that I am extremely tired of this situation. It has been a year now since all of this began. I just keep wondering how long can she keep this up.
Kevin
Wrong question. The question is how long you will keep this up? You are the one who won't change for an adult amount of time and who measures progress with a smile from her or no fighting for a week...it's you who won't focus or stay the course. You are the one who weakens and gives in to your emotions. Sure she gave into temptation, but how is that so different? Morally aside, I mean. You both let emotions control you and you are acting like you did a year ago. So you are tired of HER behavior but hey, at least hers is new.....
Next time, and there will be a next time you want to do this, you must contemplate the LIKELY Outcome of your continued pleading since it has NOT ONCE WORKED for you. But it has often pushed her further away, so don't just hope for some vaguely ideal outcome which was probably so vague in your head anyhow, b/c you were not thinking so much as feeling, and needing and "thirstily reaching out for a drink from a well that says "I'M DRY!!..." don't go to dry wells when you are thirsty. That means when you feel needy, don't go to HER.
She apparently has to go forward in this path, for it to reveal itself as the wrong one. You have no control over that yet you wrote that note as if you'd get a 180' from her at this point. You are making it all so much worse for yourself b/c your neediness always, always comes first...(and you are one stubborn needy guy who still has not GAL...)
K4, you admitted a history of depression. It's showing. Get some help. If not now, when? What will it take?
J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
you need to think of it like death. she is not coming back.
This is a worldy view. I refuse to believe this one.
Kevin
"worldy view" ?
are we not living in the real world here?
20 pages of scripture quotes, talk of fishing lures and the same ol' same ol' ago she was telling you of her belly dancing classes and boyfriends. Do you not understand why she is so comfortable talking about that with you? She has moved on. She's either wanting you to be happy for her for her new life or treating you like a gay friend. SMcQ
What happens in 20 years from now when your daughter comes to you and tells you she wants to divorce her selfish, alcoholic husband. She's had enough of his lies and promises and cant do it anymore. What will you tell her? Truthfully... NOT what you would like to hear... PMA
What is your answer?
Still nothing???? This is really important for you to see this...
