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MW, I disagree. For example: Cat laid out how she/women felt. I pointed out what I would want and what I would do for that. She accepted that propsal with a provisio that I found logical. Now should cat and I find ourself in a realationship...easy-peasy.
We'd both be wearing smiles you couldn't wipe off with a Next of Kin notification.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
You do get to a point where you don't want to talk anymore. I did anyway. But by then H was in his own MLC world anyway. Something I've learned through this though, as my H is still here and I have done some boundary setting, is that I was not as clear, as specific, as "hearable" as I could have been.
And yes, sometimes you really can't even define it until you meet someone else who makes you FEEL differently than you do. So take what I said, throw in a childhood that can bring on MLC, and you have the makings of a mess.
It is all in the approach. Jack, yes I think it would work out beautifully. Too bad we can't all be so clear.
I could have been one of those women a few years ago. That is why it was so easy for me to say what I said. Because I was living here, just going through the motions because I had spent years talking. Of course, I don't know if I would have done anything about it. Maybe if H's stuff hadn't been triggered, maybe I would be in a totally different place now, not as healed, not as self aware, I don't know. I just know H started acting differently way before the bomb. I knew that I had to just keep going. I knew that I just was living this life that maybe could someday be different. Different how? I had no clue. So when the second bomb came, for me, it triggered first a whole bunch of anger, but then a sense of relief that it was all finally over, for a while. Then I started to really do the work on me. I had no choice cuz I was my own sort of mess. Now I see it all so differently.
Now should cat and I find ourself in a realationship...easy-peasy.
Until it isn't anymore. For the sake of argument ... we have the relationship skills that get us up to a certain level. We start out on the same page. We're communicating in a real way. It's easy. However, we both grow. We both change. It is just life. We, however, reach the limits of our relational skills and our original relationship arrangement. We recognize the things that our current arrangement lacks. The Stouffers has grown old. And now we're back where we started.
You don't know you need to change your communication approach until it doesn't work.