UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Eskimo Nell]

(((JCJ))) No apology needed - I want to argue with you but you know that I can't! There's no bluffing the sisterhood and you can see right through me, though I am trying for it to be about me, I'm just still far too in love with H for anything else to matter. I know that I shouldn't but I guess this is about me faking it until I make it ... that's why I'm on this emotional see-saw all the time, isn't it? I know it is but I feel like I just don't want to detach, so why should I?? I feel that he is forcing me to go where I don't want to.

I feel that I don't have any decisions in life with my current situation as it is and it's all about what he is doing that is MAKING me take a different path than the one that I want to be on - with him ... I'm like a schoolkid throwing a tanty and dragging my heels as I go ....

I read the post that you left on Cas's board ... about your night out with H and I so identified with you at that point ... except for how strong you are and how weak I am. I don't know where people get that kind of strength from. I am trying to find it, you know that I am. I am working on myself with the C but I don't know that anything is making any difference.

I have only written that 'OK thanks' note to H in 11 days ... but yes, I see your point about counting! I just feel like everyone else is cottoning on to DB'ing and I am not - try as hard as I might!

No - it wouldn't make me feel better if H came back just for the house but then I know that he wouldn't - he's not that way inclined - none of it is important to him. I am ready to Act As If but again, it's not for me, sadly. I can do all this in front of his face and I am a good actress. It's just that I don't feel strong enough to do this all for me just yet. I am hoping that getting a regular job, some financial security behind me and some more 'stability' will help me get the ingredients to start doing it all for real. Meanwhile, I just have to carry on and try the best that I can ....

[JCJ]

Don't beat yourself up Nell, you are a newbie it comes with that dreaded word... time. Don't you just hate it think about what I have said though and when you are ready, unlease Nell on the world.

I too have been dragged down this path I have been forced to go down, but it has forced me to grow in ways that I wouldn't have had it not happened.

Right, it is midday and I am still lounging in bed reading and faffing around. Some things never change Lunch, cleaning and friend coming round for me today. Have a good evening.

(((Nell)))

[girlfromoz]

Hi Nell

The strength you say everyone else has comes but it comes with time Nell.

Yes you still love your H, that is only natural, I still love mine but you must start to love yourself first Nell, I am now starting to love myself and looking at myself in the mirror and telling myself that I am wonderful, attractive, smart, sexy etc. Positive affirmations every day. That is what you need to start doing as well.

[girlfromoz]

Morning Nell

What have you got in mind for today's GAL activities.

[Lost Rabbit]

Morning Nell, although Im only just crawling into bed as I have been a disgusting stop out, not that I have to answer to anyone but the cat and she said she doesnt mind lol!

Hope you have a good day today, have been thinking of you all day and took you with me for a blast across the park so hope you felt the wind in your face however long distance it is..

Take care will catch up with you later x

[Shane5665]

Hey Nell I hope you slept well.

Tis a new day .. make the best of it!!

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks JCJ - your words were not wasted on me and I spent the whole of last evening thinking about moving interstate! I could do it - I know that I could but it's the same old reason that anchors me here ... fear and 'what if' - what if I can't cope. I will have cut my ties with H and then I shall have not even this shred of 'security' that I have currently. I would literally be starting from scratch - just me and the babies. Too scary in many ways - especially now. Maybe later though.

Still, thought it not too bad an idea to put out on the grapevine that I am thinking about packing up. Hoping that it will get back soon enough and see if or what reaction that brings. Probably none, or will force H's hand and then he will push me again to market the house. This time of silence is very un-nerving. I don't know what he's doing - or plotting.

Afetr reading Dia's inspiring story, I feel slightly better. Just shows that our friend 'time' can help, just as you said too. It's about working out a plan meanwhile and that all feels very threatening to me. I think that I will be able to look at things more clearly if and when I get a job. That's when the real me will return. I just know it.

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks Oz - my PMA has taken a bashing and when H was in his 'evil' mode, it did nothing to help, I can tell you!

I really must work on increasing my PMA - for I know that I am a good person and I know that I am worthy of a happy and satisfying life ... with or without H. The more that I have been thinking of what he has done lately, the more I realise that I don't need to put up with this treatment ... but the thoughts soon slip through the holes in the colander when I realise the situation that it has left me in. I am now trying hard to cut the wheat from the chaff in a bid to rescue me and let H live the life that he has chosen for himself.

I do love my H but this is not him right now and I don't like or want to be with this new person. I feel, strangely enough, like I have been widowed. How awful is it to say that, but it's how I feel?

[Eskimo Nell]

Hey Rabbit .. gee, I must have felt the gallop through the park as I slept so well ... dreaming of a new life for me and the moggies!

So, where did you go last night and did you enjoy?? It's a weird feeling not having to 'answer to anyone' - not that I ever had to but it's weird just coming home to an empty house and no-one (other than the cats) knows that you have been out.

Got up full of vim and vigour. The sun was shining through but it just as quickly hides behind the rain clouds now so its' all a little uncertain in what I am going to do. If I can get out and give the last tree a hair cut, then I shall be fairly pleased!!

Catch you later, when you are up and around.

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks Shane ... yes, I slept like a log last night! What about you??

I often feel guilty for wasting the day but it's so difficult to get motivated sometimes. If I can't think of anything better for myself later, I shall make a start on picking up the threads of my studying!!

I'll jump over shortly to see how you are getting along ...