Think I am dealing with some new stuff now. I am quite happy in my detachment and realise it is a step towards my next phase in life. Actually I am happier than I thought I would be.
I've read so many posts to get my head around detachment issues and I can see how much I was enabling H and allowing him to cake eat. H has really been having the best of both worlds.
Now my thoughts move on. I will continue to remain silent and see what comes of it..........however, I am caught with two situations in mind....Dia has had such success, showing incredible patience and fortitude, not to mention creative dbing. In her sitch she has slowly but surely looked at ways to move closer to H. On the other hand Gucci through many others has indicated that when signs of moving on are shown H's have suddenly shown a renewed interest.
I wonder if I need another DB coaching session for clarification here....
I made progress and H and I were enjoying much more than we had in months but I think my impatience killed that off. I still think I can rekindle that if and when I need to.
However, my other option is to bring it to a head and start to take steps to wrap it all up. This would be totally unexpected in H's eyes as usually I'm a procrastinator and up until now I've said if you want to do that then I won't stop you but I won't file myself. We still have business interests which stand in the way which could have a big impact but perhaps I could initiate discussions??? Beyond divorce is a whole, new life which I am looking forward to. I like to think H is part of it but maybe I am deluding myself.
Either way H is not a friend as he claims and anyway it's not a friend I need. My thoughts for today and definitely subject to change at a moment's notice!! End of reflection!!!
Oh, some deep reflection there Cas but good on you. You are sounding so content and peaceful within your being.
I must go read more of Dia's thread to see if I can pick anything up that may be useful to me.
Too right - we don't need to make a friend out of our Hs. What we(almost said need but that's not right), what we WANT is our H's back and for us all to have learned from the experience - with stronger W's as a bonus!
If you were asked for your top three tips, what would you say?
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Oh Cas - you do yourself an injustice! You seem to be doing so very well - especially as you have had your surgical trauma's to deal with along the way, too. I would say that you are inspirational.
Good on the tips ... they are certainly locked in my brain and I have been adhering to those.
Just like to get some 'sign' from H now to know that what I am doing is worth the agony! I know that it should be about me and not him but I'm sure that you felt that some acknowledgment made you feel just that little bit 'smug', if that's the right word??
It's about the feeling of control coming back to you a bit, just to address the balance and for it not to be all about H ... giving you the choice to display your new self - and to know that he has SEEN what you are now becoming .... for H to feel your detachment and perhaps get a little bit scared ...
Know what I mean or am I just rambling?? !!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
I am facing the same dilemma. I actually brought up divorce with my h once. He hadn't even thought about it! It did open up to the first relationship talk we'd ever had but on the other hand, that was where we had the conversation that we would like to be friends.
The post is second from the bottom. I haven't followed it through as I had the upheaval of moving and really because I still have hopes for the marriage. It is hard to know what to do, so I feel what you are feeling too. There must be a different option to divorce or continued friendship in the unsatisfactory way it is at the moment. Is there a way to shake it up a little?
Nell, you won't get signs from H. I know in our dreams we think H will call and say he's made a terrible mistake and that he's on his way home. Reality check.....it ain't gonna happen that way; we only get that at the cinema. Any movement is oh so gradual because H is super cautious for a whole host of reasons.
Instead you need to get the feedback from you. As you move further and further into control you'll have less need for H's affirmation and be happy with your progress. This is it Nell, this is life and we can't put it on hold just because our H's walked out the door. If you want to move....just do it! The bonus for you is that there is nothing holding you in a set location. You could work all across Australia. What a wonderful opportunity. At least you have a friend in Vic and another in QLD.
I'm staying put for now because of my kids and the fact that the location I really want to move to is further from schools and sports and not on the bus run. Realistically I can't manage that. Additionally it may not be in my financial interests at present. But let me tell you, I am on realestate.com all the time so that when the time is right I'll know the prices and I'll be ready to jump into action.
As a solo you can get a fairly small place to start and the division of assets right now would be in your favour as you don't work. The burden of looking after that place and managing the finances surely must be a great incentive to look elsewhere!
The value of db is we can have our thinking challenged by others. It's good for us all to think outside the square
Thanks for helping me to look outside the square Cas! I certainly hear your message and I know that it's right. It might be one of the first conversations that I do have with H when he comes around ... as I am sure he will before very much longer. It would be less confronting to let him know that I am thinking of moving interstate than to let him think I am starting to file.
Truth is, it's good for me to think about these things but I am not ready to do anything about either! I have to be honest with my own feelings, even though I read the reality here. I am still on the crawl stage - I don't think that I am up to baby steps yet!!
Did you read JCJ's post that she linked .. oh, if only I could still produce tears they would have been flowing, I tell you!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
You sound very much at peace within yourself and decisions that you are making.
It is a very big step to be happy in yourself and with what your decide to do next.
I am only at the beginning of detachment and I admire those that have become quite adept at it.
I am finding though the loneliness tonight is getting to me, how have you dealt with that Cas? Or is is just something that that you learn to deal with as time goes on.
