I understand that I am just in a down trough at the moment but boy, its a hard one this weekend. I've been on the roller coaster for a while now but this is the bit that has started to become nauseous and I just want to get off. I think that because I have no family and limited 'new' friends here, whom I only see infrequently, it makes life harder. Each of us has that extra burden on top of the situation, which exacerbates it that bit more. For some, they worry about their kids and how they are being affected, for me, it's the worry of my isolation and no job.
I appreciate your stopping by and giving me some words of comfort and reminding me that I must keep the faith.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
I think that you have hit the nail on the head there ... it's all about when people are ready.
I do have a career but my speciality prevents me from working here where my skills are not very recognised. Never been a one to go out exploring things that I can get involved in ... all my passions are BIG and beyond my reach at the moment. I have always wanted to go work with the Polar Bear researchers in Churchill, Manitoba after visiting there a few years back. Love wildlife of any sort but it's not relevant on a day to day basis for 'ordinary' folk.
I just think that this would be a good bit easier if I had social support networks ... I've never needed anyone other than my WAH but now I am really feeling the pinch. Being Dark is not helping ... up until 10 days ago, at least I had some contact with him on a regular basis - now nothing. I think that my reserve tanks have run dry. I am just in pure emotional melt-down.... plus it's the dreaded weekend.
Come Monday, I will force myself back in to something other than this funk.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Oh, come on. Don't wait until Monday...please. You love wildlife? You have time on the weekend and not enough friends? Volunteer...you'll do great work, meet interesting and like-minded people. Please don't wait. Life is short.
Plus, you having a full life is far more attractive to WAH or other people for that matter.
It is so inspiring to read about the interests of people on here...we don't talk about it enough (obviously that is not why we're here) but that is the way out of this hell; cultivate your passions.
I know that you are right! I'm just lacking motivation and enthusiasm right now. I feel like I've been kicked around this week (emotionally) and I'm going through a lot of confusion (aren't we all)?!
Time to lick my wounds and get back up on the horse - waiting on the outcome of a job interview too, so that would really help such a lot.
Just feel like I could be all things to all people right now and WAH would never even see it ... he's gone dark too and each day feels like he's been gone an extra month.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Again, you are right AAK. I did a heap of stuff yesterday but I think that I overdid it, if anything. I am suffering the effects of my lack of fitness now in all things gardening and I am shuffling around here like an old lady ... complete with stress induced headache and nausea.
I know that H will be around some time soon - it just follows who he is. He won't let my silence go on forever ... we have so much to talk about that he will have to speak eventually and, he sent me a 'fun' video email on Thursday so that's the first 'nice' thing he's done in ages - apart from helping me with my car last week!
It feels like for every nice contact we have (which has only been two lately), he then has to hand out a 'punishment' to punctuate that he still feels the same.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
I am suffering the effects of my lack of fitness now
Without exercise, I would have had to have been committed...are you exercising? Getting in shape?
Quote:
It feels like for every nice contact we have (which has only been two lately), he then has to hand out a 'punishment' to punctuate that he still feels the same.
Yep, trust me, a lot of contact sucks too. H and I are in constant contact and up until just yesterday, any positive contact was followed by negative because he was so committed to his idea of being "done" and the positive interactions confused and pissed him off. The only reason why last night was ok is because I am living my own life and have no expectations. But it felt like a waste of my time.
I lost so much weight and had panic attacks for months. I still wake up so twisted and sweaty...but I get up and do my day and do it with hope and a good attitude. You keep going.
Yes AAK - I too have lost heaps of weight (not a bad thing) - gone down three dress sizes but mostly because I was not eating and just pining away. I am eating again but sensibly and intend to lose some more weight, the healthy way!
I have the treadmill here for rainy days and I have my bike (yet to go) when the sun shines, which it is not forecast to do for the coming week.
It's good to know that WAH's follow similar patterns. Mine got fed up with me having lots of contact - I think that he felt really guilty and he was running out of excuses. I was pursuing and doing all the wrong things ... now I have 180'd and I don't know what he's thinking. Dark Day 11 today.
Will keep on travelling in what I know is the right direction .. it just hurts so much and I am struggling with my isolation, as I said earlier. Even when I do get out and meet people, I still have to come home to this big empty house which was once full of warmth and a homely feel. Now it feels like a furniture storehouse and is a 'cold' environment to be in. If it weren't for my clever and loving cats, I would have gone spare by now.
I know what you are saying about waking up twisted and sweaty .. I am there! I just know that we have to get out of bed each day, get dressed and get on with something ... tomorrow is another day. Today however, I just keep on 'hearing' H's car drive up and I run to the window ... of course, he's not there. I know that he would ring before coming down anyhow, as it's too far but I keep hoping that he may just call by. It still feels like he has gone to the store or is just late coming home from work ... I need more work on detaching.
Last edited by Eskimo Nell; 09/05/0907:20 AM.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Sorry to hear that this weekend has been a struggle for you. I can readily remember the pain you are struggling with at this early stage. The best part is that you have wonderful support and advice right here. Unfortunately I didn't have that and it was really tough to support my kids and keep my chin up in the confusion of the revelation of H's affair. I tell you this because it really does get better. It all takes time unfortunately and we have to just go with the waves that wash over us.
Once you get your job you'll feel better because you'll have purpose for your every day. Then you can save your money and come visit me!
Thanks for the cough medicine tip. I went out and got some today so I'm ready for tonight. I am really sore today and quite lethargic so I've had a restful day with a roam around the boards, a visit to the library, made some pikelets(a long way off the baking I was going to do)and a cat nap. I have a new book that I'm about to open!
