NC with wife for one week

[GoBison]

Well not sure when we are going to meet.

Whole conversation by text of course since she can't call

Me: How bout we meet Thursday?

W: I cant thursday

W: What bout 2nite?

Me: Can't 2nite

Me: Tomorrow Nite?

W: I work nites this week. Tonites the only nite I can do it. Y can't u meet tonite?

Me: I have plans 4 2nite. U aroung this weekend?

W: No

W: What time u done with ur stuff tonite? Can u do it b4 or after?

Me: I can't tonite

W: Can u tom morning? Or b4 one?

Me: No


I waited several hours before sending the last one. I mean come on she wants to meet now to discuss all this and she has to meet ASAP. It has been two months of no talk what so ever and now she has to meet immediately. I am not going to change my plans or take off work because she switched shifts with someone else for whatever reason. By the way it would be the first time since she has worked there that she actually worked on a Tuesday or Wednesday night. I'm not buying the I work nites all week thing. And if she so happens to work nights this week not my problem. I don't need to take off work to go around her schedule.

If we do end up talking I just going to try to stick with the business aspect of things and no R talk. If she brings up D or R talk I am just going to say ok. If that is what you want I won't stop you.

[GoBison]

Well I will be meeting W on thursday after all. Seems she was able to switch her shift at work as to fit me in. I am nervous about meeting with her. It has been two months since I have seen her and 3 months since the bomb. We are meeting at a local coffee place. It is really weird feeling nervous about meeting my W. I am just scared that I will fall out of DBing ways. It was almost easier with No Contact as I knew that as long as I didn't call her I wouldn't screw up.

I need to go in there being strong and confident and thinking well whatever she says I will be fine and there are a lot of women out there.

All she stated before was that she wanted to talk about: Money The house etc

Not sure what etc is and I am thinking that she is wanting to sell the house.

When she talks of selling the house do I let her set it up with the realtor and everything or do I handle that since I still live in the house?

Also do I tell her that I do not agree with the D but say I won't stop her?

Other than that I will let her do the talking and validate her concerns if they come up. Trying to stay out of too much R/D talk.

[undrdg]

I would put the burden on her.
If she wants to sell the house then she can get all the paperwork to do it.
IF she wants to get a D she will have to do all the work.
You should not aide her in that endeavor.

DB principles are there for you to feel good about yourself. If you are confident about talking about the R then do it without sounding desperate or clingy.

YOu def have to go in there and be a confident man. First thing is first, you have to put her at ease about the whole situation.

Make her laugh.
Make her see that you are easy going and that no matter what she says you can take it.

Don't act indifferent. Act concerned but understanding. Empathize and validate.

Its the hardest thing to do.

[Ready2Change]

I would put the burden on her.
If she wants to sell the house then she can get all the paperwork to do it.
IF she wants to get a D she will have to do all the work.
You should not aide her in that endeavor.

I agree. Tough love. She wants the D, let her do all the work. DO NOT FIGHT IT, BUT DO NOT SUPPORT IT. Do not fight her, show empathy and understanding for her. VALIDATE HER FEELINGS. She is hurting.

"I understand why you feel D is the only option. I would prefer to work on our marriage, but will not stand in your way if D is what you truly want"

DB principles are there for you to feel good about yourself. If you are confident about talking about the R then do it without sounding desperate or clingy. You def have to go in there and be a confident man.

Project cool, calm, confident, understanding. Spend time grooming. Hair, teeth, shave, cologne. New shoes, shirt, pants and belt. This is "first date". Time to shine with all the new 180's. LISTENING, VALIDATION, Picking up the tab, getting the reservations set etc.......

First thing is first, you have to put her at ease about the whole situation.
Make her laugh.
Make her see that you are easy going and that no matter what she says you can take it.

Funny and charming.

Don't act indifferent. Act concerned but understanding. Empathize and validate. Its the hardest thing to do.

BE CONCERNED AND UNDERSTANDING. She is unhappy. You want her to BE HAPPY. You can not MAKE her happy. She is projecting all her unhappiness at you. Don't take it personal. Just realize this is her POV. Listen to her story. Do not argue about her POV or her feelings.

Well I will be meeting W on thursday after all. Seems she was able to switch her shift at work as to fit me in.

GOOD! You have 2 days to "DO WORK" and be prepared.

I am nervous about meeting with her.

DO NOT LET FEAR CONTROL YOU. Face your fears. The more one tries to avoid something, the more likely it will become reality.

It has been two months since I have seen her and 3 months since the bomb.

Perfect! Get this thought into your head "I am excited to see her! Expect her to be excited to see you". "I will not react to any negativity from her. I will just understand that she is hurting.

We are meeting at a local coffee place.

Great! Can you get there early and get W's favorite drink as well as your own?

It is really weird feeling nervous about meeting my W.

Yes. There is a lot at stake. Respect your feelings and channel the energy into positive action.

I am just scared that I will fall out of DBing ways.

FACE YOUR FEARS. Put all your thoughts, words and actions into "what you want".

It was almost easier with No Contact as I knew that as long as I didn't call her I wouldn't screw up.

We all make many choices a day that affect us the rest of our life. Do your best, do not beat yourself up. Go in prepared. You will do fine. We all make mistakes, but that is part of life. Each on is an opportunity to learn.

I need to go in there being strong and confident and thinking well whatever she says I will be fine and there are a lot of women out there.

Go in with the this thought "This is the most beautiful, interesting woman in the world" I am going to enjoy her beauty. I am going to study her eyes and her lips. I am going to listen to every word she has to say with my full attention. I will remember every detail she says so that I can understand her better.

Other than that I will let her do the talking and validate her concerns if they come up. Trying to stay out of too much R/D talk.

Avoid R talk like the plague. She her you have changes by your actions, behaviors and the way you look and treat her.....

GOOD LUCK! We are your in your corner. You are a good person. Everything will be fine.

[GoBison]

Thanks for the feedback. Tomorrow night is time for some shopping and a few cold ones with some buddies or maybe some social interaction to up the PMA.

[GoBison]

Go in with the this thought "This is the most beautiful, interesting woman in the world" I am going to enjoy her beauty. I am going to study her eyes and her lips. I am going to listen to every word she has to say with my full attention. I will remember every detail she says so that I can understand her better.

This is one thing that I am not sure about. If I go in thinking she is the most beautiful, interesting woman in the world how that will help. I will be friendly with her validate and throw out some mojo but going this far will allow her to have too much power over me. Is it not best to think yeah I want her to be my W but she isn't the only one out there and there may even be better.

[Ready2Change]

This is one thing that I am not sure about. If I go in thinking she is the most beautiful, interesting woman in the world how that will help.

It will change your body language. Subconscious signals will be sent to her. If you really want to save your M, you need to do this. It also works for everyone else. Your body sends out signals about what you are REALLY THINKING. Trust me on this. Start practicing now. Your W may not change her mind, but all you can do is work on you and how you interact with her.

I do this all the time. I am practicing with everyone I meet. Everyone I interact with is very interesting. Each one has beauty I can admire. Guess what....I have lots of new friends.

It is only a matter of time till I can do this with MsR2C. She avoids me like the plague, so I am patient and forgiving.

[GoBison]

R2C thanks for the reply. I will be looking up some body language skills and other verbal/non-verbal sites on the internet to come across more cool and confident.

[Ready2Change]

Check out my book list on the first post of my thread. "Teach yourself flirting" is a good read.

Tonight, do your best, to not take anything wife says personally, don't make assumptions and be impeccable with your word.

Quit, don't quit? Noodles, don't noodles? You are too concerned about what was and what will be. There is a saying: yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the "present.

IE forgive W for all the past. Stay in the present tonight and DO NOT FEAR the future.......

Remember, you will be OK.

[GoBison]

Well had talk with W tonight. Pretty much where I thought it would go. She is still dead set on selling the house. Had divorce papers with and wanted me to fill the out with her as she did not know what all to fill out. Told her not to even bother taking them out of her bag because I would have no part in filling them out. She kept after on what to do with the house and that I should sell it. Told her I don't know would have to talk to a lawyer. I don't even know what can be filled out on those things as far as the house. Her lawyer told her she should get her name off the house. Well duh it is under water in this market. Either I talk to a lawyer next week and decide on what to do with the house then she can send it in or she will just have me served the way it is.

When she asked what I wanted to do with everything I said well nothing that you want as it is work on the M and said but if you want to go through with D then I can't stop you and I am fine to move on this my life no problem. She asked a couple of times and we were sort of laughing and she was getting teary eyed each time.

Then the last 45 minutes we sat around and BS'd like nothing was wrong just sat there talking like life was good. Laughed. She cried when I told her that I would probably have to get rid of the dogs without a house. She wondered if my sister was upset at her. Told her she really doesn't know too much but it really didn't matter as she will probably never see her again or me for that matter once it is done. She got teary eyed again and oh year I will see everyone around.

So now it is time to take her off my credit cards. Pay them off and wait for the papers. I will probably just tell her next week to send them to me and my lawyer will look at them. She actually wanted me to go over them with her so that we could file a joint petition and save money on lawyers. Oh no I don't think so miss spoiled brat not everything is going your way.

She did not think that it was fair that she would have to keep paying on the mortgage while it is up for sale. Wanted to right me a check for her half that was under water yeah that would work as money hasn't been split yet. She makes 2x what I do so didn't mention the possibility of alimony. So tomorrow I am off to get a new cell phone take her off the joint credit card.

She pretty figures we can get this wrapped up in the next 6 weeks as long as I don't argue over too much and everything will be over. I didn't say much just let her know the lawyer would worry about that stuff. I know it won't be as I can already tell from what she was saying that she is wrong with stuff.

So I am at a loss of what to do next. Sit back and let everything roll and the next time I see her it will be to split out things in the house.

It was probably the most relaxed and best talk we have had in a long time even talking about the D papers I had her laughing. I have been dark for two months and no change from her. I don't know what will work if anything.