I am not, however, in anguish or hysterics. In fact, I am far more cool and calm in my reaction to this than I would have been even two weeks ago. But I do shake my head and roll my eyes upward, feeling the residual pangs of regret that things have turned out so. xW has become the only real pain in my heart now of days, and even that is greatly diminished. Not even the increasing debt and financial burden I am now under due to her actions have given me all that much call for alarm -- there is now a part of me that realizes that I can only do so much myself, and God can see me through the rest.
Part of me is even laughing at it silently as I try to face it -- maybe that's the hysteria so mentioned. Lots of peanut butter and simpler meals for in these next few months, and yet I'm not worried. It is what it is.
I hear ya NCB, When I pick up my boys tonight I'm expecting XW to go off again about not swaping wekends to accomodate her fun time. I'm already prepping myself to not explode when I hear one key word "inconvenience", mainly I'm not switching just to inconvenience her. Pssh, honey you have no idea what the word even means, let alone live it every waking moment of every day. Still trying to figure out how she has her income, OM's income, and a chunk of my income, yet is broke all the time?
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I said nothing and did nothing to acknowledge it, other than to remind my S's this morning before they were to see her. See, I have given up trying to be nice towards her -- cordial, yes; nice, no. It gets me nowhere, has only gotten me nowhere. So I don't bother. Not any more. Forgiveness on my part is one thing, but wasting my time and breath in fruitless acts that have always proven to be counterproductive is just not something I relish.
I have pondered how much things have changed. Three years ago I would not have even dreamed of ignoring such a special occasion for xW.
I was told by S8 that OM was going to help his mother celebrate her b'day. Not unexpected at all, but it was the way S8 said it, saying "Of course, Mr. OM was going to show up at his mother's place to help celebrate." As if it was the most natural thing in the world.
That is the only thing that pains me about any of this -- that my own S's are brainwashed into accepting xW's warped perception of reality, where the usurper who helped destroy our family is automatically assumed to belong in this picture at all, as a natural and expected participant.
OM can have the wretched harlot. But the cost to my children's sense of right and wrong is just too much.
That is the only thing that pains me about any of this -- that my own S's are brainwashed into accepting xW's warped perception of reality, where the usurper who helped destroy our family is automatically assumed to belong in this picture at all, as a natural and expected participant.
OM can have the wretched harlot. But the cost to my children's sense of right and wrong is just too much.
I had to vent that.
Of course. I do think in some ways AS kids don't maybe get 100% of the understanding that nt kids have. But, I still have realized my kids do have understanding, and I'm sure yours too. D9 (I think she was D8 though) once told me Daddy would love you again if he was nice, but he's not nice. And when we were watching a TV show (Chuck) where the main characters had dysfunctional dads, I think one left and the other was present but a criminal; S15 (14 at the time) said well it's better to have a bad dad, than no dad. Sounds like he's thought about that on his own.
I know God will turn this to good. They have you in their life to show them a good role model. I also think as they get older and less dependent on your W, they are going to realize more and more clearly what's going on. Karen
I said nothing and did nothing to acknowledge it, other than to remind my S's this morning before they were to see her. See, I have given up trying to be nice towards her -- cordial, yes; nice, no. It gets me nowhere, has only gotten me nowhere. So I don't bother. Not any more. Forgiveness on my part is one thing, but wasting my time and breath in fruitless acts that have always proven to be counterproductive is just not something I relish.
I have pondered how much things have changed. Three years ago I would not have even dreamed of ignoring such a special occasion for xW.
I was told by S8 that OM was going to help his mother celebrate her b'day. Not unexpected at all, but it was the way S8 said it, saying "Of course, Mr. OM was going to show up at his mother's place to help celebrate." As if it was the most natural thing in the world.
That is the only thing that pains me about any of this -- that my own S's are brainwashed into accepting xW's warped perception of reality, where the usurper who helped destroy our family is automatically assumed to belong in this picture at all, as a natural and expected participant.
OM can have the wretched harlot. But the cost to my children's sense of right and wrong is just too much.
I had to vent that.
I'm so sorry. And I can so relate to what you're saying here. This is the hardest part of the whole painful mess, I think.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
My two are still quite young and impressionable. S8 has AS, as you know, and is a couple of years behind in his emotional development compared to his peers. S4 is NT (as far as we can tell). Together they are still somewhat succeptable to the constant influence that their mother and their mother's mother (the nasty MIL) inflict on them every day. Even with their own already strong and developing wills, it is not surprising that they accept xW's story and the values she places upon OM and his family and friends.
I do realize that some day they will be teenagers, and then young men -- sooner than I would like or expect. And, yes, I do realize they will form their own opinions about their mother and her actions and her value system.
But I also know that she is trying to undermine their developing foundations -- now is the time that the very base of their lives and of their own value systems are being formed. If she can establish in their minds that D is not only a "necessary evil" but also a benefit to achieving one's own "happiness" -- and that the collateral damage is meaningless as long as one saves one's self, then the discovery of their mother's selfish ways and the real cost to their own lives will not have the same impact when they do come of age. They will have already been benumbed and made callous by her own example.
I find myself confronted by xW's constant effort to buy my kids off. She keeps promising them new toys and more visits to theme parks and special events, under the pretense of eliciting their good behaviors. If I reciprocate, two things happen. (1) It continues a never ending "arms race" with each parent trying to one-up the other, and I am already struggling financially because of her D and her lawsuit against me. (2) It deadens my S's fledgling value systems, turning them into materialist opportunists who can only think of what they get out of any deal. It undermines the very reason I am compelled to father them, which is to instill my values and faith in them, to give them the foundation they need to live and thrive in the midst of this lost world.
I already hear in my S's words, how they find the easier, more rewarding worldly path their mother holds out to them to be all that more desirable. It's almost to the point that I'd have almost welcomed that xW and I were both fiscally bankrupt and scraping to get by. Better that the both of us limped along in providing for our boys than to have them accept the world's materialistic ideals.
So, I am gravely concerned that the battle to secure my S's spiritual health will have been lost before they reach the age they will make their own way in life.
I really hope I am just over-thinking this. But when even the children of parents who have done everything right are still lost to the World, I have all the more to worry.
