Yeah, I get it Nell but my concern is that if I rub him the wrong way i'll end up with an aggressive sitch which is what i had 12 months ago. If I just give a polite, 1 line response I am polite but not giving anything away...just manners in responding
To me, your problems started when your H started his A. And in the beginning you had mentioned it was 4 years ago in 2005. Once a man (or woman for that matter) crosses that line of infidelity, they have lost all respect for their married partner. If they did, they wouldn't have had the affair in the first place.
At that point is when you should have put your foot down, or rather up his arse.
"I am determined not to contact H but if I don't respond to him at all I'm wondering what the fall out effect maybe."
You see that's the problem right there. Why do you care about what he's going to do? Do you think he's going to leave (did that), do you think he's going to OW (did that as well).
The only thing stopping you from being the confident woman you deserve to be is yourself. For him to tell you that he doesn't want a divorce, yet has the nerve to carry on with other women shows one thing. He has no balls to speak of.
He enjoys you as a "safety net" and feels he can still bully you around because he has done so in the past and you put up with it.
When a child is being bullied at school, what do we tell him? To stand up for yourself. Once that balance of power has shifted, the bully becomes the coward. Before you married him, you were a happy individual. You never NEEDED a man. You had your own goals and life. That's what you need once more.
I see too many women on these threads whose H flaunt their mistresses in front of them and yet "demand" that they not D. Oh please. They are like children in a candy store, demanding that their mother gets them what they want "or else". The children who learn their lessons are the ones who are ignored by their parents.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I hear you Cas - 'someone' who lurks in these posts may say that you are caving in on your nc technique and whilst that is harsh, are you ABSOLUTELY sure that is not what you are doing here? (sorry for pushing you but to be challenged on your thought processes is a 'positive gift' - it should make you question yourself a bit more).
No-one wants to turn things ugly, especially when you have come a long way. You just have to decide what's best for YOU and if you are more comfortable with remaining polite, then do so! It doesn't commit you to anything and I personally don't think that throwing a bit of 'grey' in the mix would hurt.
Be proud of your success over the last 8 days, be polite and then get back on the wagon! What do you think?? This has to stay ALL ABOUT YOU.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
I invite feedback and I accept it as a gift but ultimately the decision has to be with me. My earlier thought was to sleep on it and to consider the other advisors. For now I must get away and get to bed before I'm a grumpy old mother and colleague tomorrow!!
Pleasure Cas - yes, it has to be what you want - and you know what ... this is the good news. The brain actually does repair itself over night and that's where the saying "I'll sleep on it" originates from.
I'm full of those quips and if you want to know where the word "loo" comes from (instead of toilet) I can even tell you that, too!!
Just to put a wry smile on our faces before bed time!
See ya tomorrow - sleep well.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Glad work went well, it will take a little while for you to get back into the swing of it and for the tiredness to go. Just make sure you take care of yourself and rest when you can.
I am no expert here and I have fallen down in my DBing this week and need a good hit on the head but I think what Stuck said is true what else can he do as he has already done everything. You need to be strong and stick with what you are doing and remain quiet, I wouldn't answer just yet either because he thinks you will be there for whatever he wants when he wants.
Nothing to report! I haven't replied and won't at this stage.
Not satisfied that not responding at all is necessarily the right way to go. Letting him have control is to say yes you can have the furniture. Me being in control is to say no you can't have it. (I want to reply and say you've got a cheek asking for it since your last outburst.)
I know, it is a difficult one isn't it. I'm a little torn. Pretending that you don't know what your d said about the specifics, do you have any to give him?
