UPSIDE DOWN and struggling badly.

[gucci loafer]

1) Do I continue to stay dark - I really don't think that H will even notice never mind be affected by it so I could purely be wasting my emotions?
2) I PROMISE that I would not pursue if I 'come back in to the light', now that I realise my negative behaviour (thanks Gucci)!
2) I would like to stay dark so that I could see if it really does bring results (contradicts #1)
3) If I stay dark, how do I get to communicate LL of affirmation to WAH?
4) Do I write a note to the I-L's full of positive affirmation for my H and how I have failed to identify his 'love language' over the years ... hoping that they will 'feedback' to him?

You are caving in. Trying to find another way to pursue.
Words of affirmation will be ok AFTER he wants to come back and can not be used to win him back because it will only hurt your cause. Stop following your emotions and just work the plan. Wait him out. Let him wonder what is going on with YOU.

Do not contact the inlaws. It will work against you. IF they contact you don't even talk to them about him.

You are sounding to me like you are caving in and just looking for any way possible to stay in some type of contact. This is a sign of low self esteem and panic.

[Eskimo Nell]

THANK YOU oh wise one!! You are totally right of course. Even though I do not do these things consciously, as you say, it is the panic and low self-esteem that hi-jacks me every time.

I have good news for you though - H emailed last night with some story about his email address not working and how I can now use an alternative. I have NOT replied and nor do I intend to. Even going by his own principal, there is no question in his message and nothing which warrants a response. H did ask after myself and the pets.

I am reciting the mantra: This is about ME not him.

So, we enter Day Four with PMA and no contact. I'm out for coffee this morning and am already planning next weeks activities.

I hear the advice re the in-laws. I will not contact them unless they email me in the first instance. I have said my piece in the recent past so I feel that they know where I stand on this. They decided to not respond so they have made their position clear.

How do I 'work the plan' if H asks me a direct question or calls me? I can tell if it's his phone calling my cell but not the land line, so I get to screen only half of the time. With email, I can of course, ignore but what concerns me is if he has issues with the house or finance. Surely that's not going to be in my best interest then to ignore him?? If he carries out his intentions to stop paying, then I could make matters worse for ME - this is not a cave in question, I promise!!! It is a genuine conern. How do I tackle that??

Would appreciate your advice, as always Gucci and I am thankful that I remain in your sights.

[girlfromoz]

My Nell, did I have a heap of catching up to do on your posts.

You are getting a lot of really good strong advice so make sure you take heed and follow, don't stray.

Let me know how you go with getting any volunteer work at the hospital.

At least you are now sounding a lot brighter than your posts a few pages ago, I was really worried when I began reading them.

Really try to take care of yourself Nell.

(((Nell)))
Oz

[Dudess]

Can you get caller ID on your land line? Can people leave messages on your land line? Get caller ID or voice mail or an answering machine on that.

If he really needs to speak with you and you don't answer the land line, he will call your cell or email you, so don't sweat not answering.

Gucci is right. Stay the course.

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks for droping by Dudess... yes, I have an answering machine - was forgetting about that! I shall just screen that way.

I am resolved to 'be dark' for one month. If that doesn't work, then I am already plotting my 180 - which will be LRT but may well make him sit up and take notice that I am taking back the reigns!

[Eskimo Nell]

Hey (((Oz)))

Thanks for catching up on my posts. It's so good to journal here and it's amazing which snippets catch people's eye and tempt them in to putting in their 2 cents (always welcome people)!!

Well, I am indeed looking after myself now. I got up bright and breezy this morning and went for coffee with one of the new friends (I have two now)! Really enjoyed talking and having a good ear - Ruth was interested in the DB and 5LL models and all that they uphold .. she said that it all sounded like good common sense and could see the strength in me, as opposed to just three weeks ago.

So, Day Four of my silence. H emailed and I have not replied. Really pleased with myself that I didn't email to say Happy Father's Day, but then he didn't thank me for the Father's Day card, either. Ho hum.

When I got back from coffee I set to on the side and front lawns - cut the grass and pulled even more weeds - this job is never ending! Now, red faced and exhausted, I have eaten a large bowl of fresh tropical fruit salad, my attempt at 'being good' and having something more healthy than a bar of chocolate to fuel my day!

It remains lonely in the empty house but I have no choice in that so have to just continue to find things to do. I have decided that I am not going to pack up any more of H's stuff .. as someone else said "let WAS pack up their own dirty laundry" - apologies that I can't give the right person the credit for the quote but it is a while since I read that.

I continue to feel resentful that he has left me to sail the ship alone - he always used to say how tough a job it was for him but how does that make things for me? Still, I shall continue to uphold the standards that we have set as it won't beat me and he will not see that I can not cope on my own. I CAN and I AM and I am proud of myself for doing so. When I go to plan B next month, he will not know what has hit him. Let's get going dark out of the way first though.

Sorry, misled you on the hospital thing - I am going to see if they have any permanent jobs, not voluntary. I know vounteering would get me out but I have to earn as soon as I can manage it. I don't enjoy nursing enough anymore as to volunteer, I'm afraid!!

[dolphin_05]

Nell, I had a tram flap.

[Eskimo Nell]

Cas - sorry, what does that mean????!!!!

[Eskimo Nell]

What do people think about taking off your Wedding Ring? I really don't want to take mine off as I still consider myself married in the eyes of the law and my marriage vows. H has taken his off, however.

I just wondered if it may shake him, the next time we meet, if I was not wearing mine? I know that I shouldn't even care what he thinks but I'm kind of thinking purely for the one meeting ... just to see if there would be a comment. Mind you, who knows when that meeting will next take place as I AM DARK!

My WR has only been off my finger once previously, on the night he dropped the bomb. I felt nekked without it and so put it back on the following morning but not before H commented that he had forgotten quite how small it was when he saw it on the coffee table. It made my heart ache.

[Eskimo Nell]

Gucci/anyone
I am reading in Solution Focused that alot of folk advocate answering their Ss initiated contact, even when they are supposed to be dark. What are your thoughts on this?

Example: H emailed me this morning to advise of new email address. Should I ignore that (as dark would suggest) or do I just write back and say "I appreciate you letting me know - thanks" and nothing more until the next time he initiates? Of course, in checking the wisdom of this action via the board, it will buy me a few days and so he will be wondering where I am in the meanwhile. This could be seen as a bonus 180 as I would normally respond on the same day!

I don't want to pee him off entirely as don't forget that I am totally reliant upon him financially at the moment. If he sees me as playing games, he might well withdraw finances and then I am right up the Swanny.

What do you think - and NO - I am not caving or finding other ways to pursue, I promise!! Straight forward question.