I need for him to see that I am not dying here without him; I am no doormat, waiting by the door when it pleases him to show up. What I do need is to show him that I will not tolerate the situation as is and, whilst I am prepared to be civil, I will NOT pursue him and/or stroke his increasing ego!
If I allow myself to be a sap, why would he ever respect me and WANT to return? He has to see the strong me that he has seen in the past ... but now the shoe is on the other foot and HE will be getting some of which he has hidden behind for all of these years. I will protect him no longer ... perhaps we will now see his true feelings and if not, what am I losing?? Companionship and security maybe, but if he has no love for me, why would I waste my time with a man who feels that way?
That was the strong me talking - tonight I am reduced to doubt and incredible loneliness, again. I remain true to what I said above and I really hope that I will not waiver. However, it's just after 17.30hrs here and I am wondering what else I can do to kill time before I can 'justify' going to bed.
This is just so on-going and it's seriously making me ill....
How's your day going - albeit that it's not long started!!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Oh ok, the woman at work is doing my head in a bit but that is the norm It's Friday and Bank Holiday this weekens so I am looking forward to that.
Gucci was right in all he said last night. His style is direct and gets the point across. I was trying to hint that you were contacting him to much, as Brits I think we shy away from being direct But seriously, take what he said on board.
There is a fine balance between being happy and upbeat and trying to please him. Trying to please and impress does not work. Being upbeat and showing yourself a capable, attractive woman does work. Now wear those boots everytime you see him and maybe everyday for you...
You mentioned that you had seen some volunteering but you didn't think you would be able to hold it together? Michele says 'just do it'. I think once you'd get there then you would hold yourself together and feel really good once you'd done it.
You could get a load of DVD's which you can throw yourself into of an evening or download Eastenders - it was great last night!
Isn't it funny how life turns on a dime. A few weeks back and I would have loved that it was Bank Holiday weekend - now I dread just a normal day .. too long and lonely. You must be doing so well (((JCJ))) to feel that you are looking forward to it and I am guessing that you will have lots planned!! Good on you.
Unfortunately, its not always to our credit as Brits that we are stiff upper lipped and try to protect other's feelings a bit too much rather than our cousins across the pond (and here in Aus) who seem to say what they think, regardless. We should be a bit more like that!
I think that Gucci was right too. I seem to have periods where it feels like I'm going dark (even though I am not) but then make up for it in having lots of reasons to contact H. There's no consistency. I have also used the weekdays for contact as I know that he will be at work and not out of town, or OW visiting. It kills me - even with the red stop sign. I never know if it's 'the weekend' or not - it seems to be every other with flights being involved and costly.
My thoughts tonight, in reading so many more posts in different forums, is that 'what if all of this is nonsense and H just plain doesn't love me, won't ever and has no intention of coming back'? He is a good person, warm hearted, genuine and sensitive and I have no reason to doubt that he is not telling the truth about what he wants for the rest of his life. Maybe he has figured this all out (which I believe to be true) and I am just not all that for him. Perhaps I should put my pride and dignity in my pocket and walk away as he has asked me to. His words were "Please let me go".
The other thought that I had was to ask him come babysit the cats for a week so that I can go home to the UK and get the ball rolling on a consentual D - giving him the freedom that he has asked for. Of course, we have spoken very briefly about this before and he says that he will not agree due to him being disadvantaged financially by the outcome but maybe this is my LR approach ... maybe I then say to him, "well, if that's not what you want, then I want you to agree to mediation and MC so that I can be as sure as you are that our M is over"
I don't have to tell you that it's not what I want but sometimes you have to realise that things are over - they just are and no matter what we do to convince ourselves, maybe we are just setting our hearts up for more pain.
Thoughts???
Last edited by Eskimo Nell; 08/28/0910:21 AM.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Nell, there's loads for you to think about today. Gucci is direct but he speaks great common sense. I think as females we are also a little more protective in how we approach issues and we try a little more to look after our 'sisters'
Nell, I know you have talked about moving back to the UK but disregarded it. Have you thought about elsewhere in Aus? I know you have a beautiful, new home but I just wonder if you'd be better in a bigger city with more opportunities for socialisation and employment. Is this a valid option? Let's face it if H would go interstate for OW he wouldn't let another state stop him when he wanted to reconcile with you. Just a thought....I throw it out there because yoour isolation seems to make this all the more emotionally challenging for you.
I haven't posted to you before but have been lurking and following. Gucci is absolutely right your behaviour is pursuing from your H perspective. Step well back. Your H wants you to let him go, well do it. See what happens. There's time you guys aren't D yet, no one's filed.
In the meantime, I'm more concerned about you. You really need to get out there and GAL. You've got the bike, use it, don't lie that you've used it, actually use it. The treadmill is all well and good, but getting out in the fresh air and actually running is better for a PMA (I started running when my H left).
If you have hobbies, find others who do the same, see if there's a group. Look in the local newsagents (if there's one) for things to join. BTW JCJ, I love knitting too, have you been to Loop in Islington or iknit in lower marsh st.
I know that you live in a small town, but you've got a car, go to another town and look for work if possible (I live in the UK so not sure how far the next town is). A job,no matter what it is, will give you self respect, hell your H may even respect you for it.
Hope this isn't too harsh. I'm a girl and British so no stereotypes here.
Nell, just another thought following JCJ's suggestion; Go to the library and borrow the Sea Change series.(ABC production starring Sigrid Thornton) I've just rewatched most of them while on sick leave and it's been really enjoyable even the 2nd time around.
I value Gucci's perspective ... I agree with how we talk to our 'sisters' - we try to protect through our words and advice where as guys are far more direct and tell it how it is. It's not always a bad thing, even though it can smart at the time. I am glad that Gucci gave me the kick up the derriere that I seem to have needed.
Yes, I have considered moving interstate but I am not ready yet. H has told me that he thought it would be a good thing for me to do but that, of course, would assuage his guilt with me gone and he could then take control of all that is going on here. No, I need to see this out and then when (and if) I make a move, it will be on my terms and not his. I will not make this 'easy' for him. I will co-operate, if he does with me but if not, he will not like what is coming to him
I don't see why the LBS should end up disadvantaged - we may have contributed to the failure of the M but we have not made the decision final. Meanwhile, he is adamant that he will get his pound of flesh in our settlement whilst I will be sticking it out for a pound and a half - if it comes down to that.
I totally hear what you are saying though in terms of opportunities, both social and employment. It is a concern, I can not tell a lie. The isolation that I feel does make it all the more of a challenge and it's the small things that get to me too. I mentioned before about my worry if I was to not wake up one morning, what would happen to my cats. When my girlfriend from the UK rang last night, I explored this with her and so she suggested that I send her a one liner on a Sunday and Thursday to say that I am OK! If she doesn't get the one liner, then she will call H straight away to come check!! Good plan. Made me feel heaps better, even though it may sound totally over-dramatic to some viewers of this post! I just have to know that my babies would never meet a grizzly end if something did happen to me.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
I know that Gucci's advice is right and I am already on Day Two of 'going dark with a grey tinge' - meaning that I will only email him stuff that is to do with the house - bills etc. I have to remain practical on that. I will not be pursuing in any way shape or form, not even to add anything other than business to emails - plan: scan bill ---> send. Nothing else. My initial goal on this is one week but I know that will do nothing (it's just my goal in a bite size piece to make it more palatable). My overall goal is as long as I can manage it for ... I know that he will eventually have something to say to me and at that time I can DB my way through the conversation. Now that I have realised, as you say, that I have time I have stopped panicking quite so much and am more able to put going dark in to practise.
Honestly, I don't know what is stopping me getting out there on my bike. I have made it all ready and I have laundered my cycle shorts .. I'm all set to go. Perhaps I am stalling as it is something that we did together and wanted to do more of but never got around to it. My bike is inviting but I just can't saddle up! However, I am going to keep on trying and, now that I have a new friend, I will ask if she will come with me one morning - just to get me started. I can cycle to hers too - it's not that far, so perhaps that thought needs to seed itself in my mind and then I can get going. Thanks for the encouragement.
Hobbies and crafts involve money and I just don't have the capacity for that right now. I have looked for all sorts of jobs and continue to get the same answer - overqualified for this and not enough experience in this country, for that. I'm also in a niche profession so it's all stacked against me at the moment - or so it feels. I know that this sounds like an excuse but I was struggling like this for 3 months before H walked out. He knows how it is and, whilst he has not said anything about the job, he has made comment about the bills. Mind you, that seems to have stopped this past two weeks. Maybe it's because he's booked a holiday and feels it unfair on me ... who knows what he's thinking??? Alien territory.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Good idea Cas - I like those programmes. They are also running them on Foxtel ... there's a similar one on UKTV too.
Meanwhile, I am still totally hooked for 40 minutes or so a day (excepting Saturdays) with Emmerdale and Coronation Street on UKTV.
I've never got in to Eastenders at all, though 1000's of poms are, I know! I did watch it the first year that it was out but I found it too depressing and IMHO not at all representative of British life. Coronation Street is much better - it's our heritage !!!!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
But seriously, take what he said on board.