UPSIDE DOWN and struggling badly.

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks Cas - I wish that I could tell you that I am positive but I've hit the skids again tonight. Normally I am OK in the evenings but after having had such a time last evening, I am struggling badly tonight.

Can't stop thinking that H saw me in positive mode and, as he told me that he was happy and had made the right choice in leaving me, his words just keep on reverberating in my mind. I don't know whether I should do a deliberate backslide here and tell him that I don't want any of this, I can see where our M was failing and I know how to put it right ...

He kept on telling me that he would need something monumental to change his mind and I keep thinking of what that could be. Of course, in typical MLC mode, he also said that he didn't believe that there was anything monumental that I would be able to offer and so I continue to see him sliding away from me ... fast. The longer this goes on, the more I keep thinking of how much deeper the tramp is getting her claws in to him and undoubtedly brain washing him... keeping up the negative messages. He said that he would respond to some of my emails this evening and yet again, there's nothing from him.

I am so damned lonely - constantly, which just gives me all the hours in the day to dwell and dwell and dwell on this - there's no let up like work, family, phone calls or any contact for me that would divert my attention. This is my life - 24hrs a day. This board is my only 'family & friends' - what a sad sack life I have.

I worry all the time - especially what if something awful happens to me - what if I had a heart attack and lay dead in the house - no-one would even know! Worse thing about that is that my cats would starve to death and then there would be 3 deaths on his conscience. It might be weeks before he realised that he hasn't heard from me. I have voiced this to him and he just said "don't be so bl**dy stupid, will you" - how belittling is that??

See how low I am sinking?? What am I to do?? (Don't worry, I am NOT suicidal)!!

[JCJ]

don't know whether I should do a deliberate backslide here and tell him that I don't want any of this, I can see where our M was failing and I know how to put it right ...

No, no, no, no, no!

as he told me that he was happy and had made the right choice in leaving me, his words just keep on reverberating in my mind.

Believe nothing of what you hear...

Of course, in typical MLC mode, he also said that he didn't believe that there was anything monumental that I would be able to offer and so I continue to see him sliding away from me ... fast.

Stop beating yourself up. He doesn't know what this monumental thing is so how in the world should you.

Personally, I think you should stop sacrificing for this man in terms of not having the heating on etc etc. Don't make yourself miserable, he certainly isn't. I'm not saying go out and spend but he really isn't going to notice a few pence on the heating.

This time is about you not him. You cannot control what he does but you can influence it by your actions. It was your first interaction DBing last night and it went well. You have had a lot of contact since. Give him space to let it all sink in. In all probability you will not see instant results but gradual change.

Nell, you are going to have to find something to do. This is not going to be resolved quickly it could be weeks, probably months maybe years so you need to get a GAL plan. You cannot sit and wait for it to resolve itself as you will spiral like this everyday. STOP SIGNS are needed all over the place.

Is there a local village store you can help out in? A library? A soup kitchen? A knitting group (I love knitting!), a aerobics class, a cat appreciation society wanna join mine?

Finally, trust the process. You have seen it working already. You are gong to need patience you didn't even know you had. Did you see on my thread that my h is on holiday with ow but letting me know he arrived safe and offering to bring me back stuff. If I focused on the first part I'd go mad, but I don't. It takes practice but you can do it.

[dolphin_05]

JCJ is so right Nell. You have to focus on you and forget about whatever H might be doing with ow. Forget about what he says too.
When somebody tells you they made the right choice and they're happy it sounds to me like they're simply justifying their actions in their own minds. Departing spouses are filled with guilt and need to appease the guilt and make themselves feel more comfortable.
Like JCJ says you cannot go back now. You looked strong and happy the other night. H will be questioning as that's certainly not what he expected. Don't fall into the trap of begging him to come back because you can fix things. Let him see you as strong and independent. I look back now and consider my behaviour at the beginning and I can see exactly why my H behaviour would have convinced H he was right in leaving. You have the advice of others here, take it and use it wisely so you don't have to be as pathetic as I once was!

Choose a new task for today. Try to do something in town. JCJ has some excellent suggestions.

I'll check in later as I'm cleaning and grocery shopping today ready for a busy weekend.

Take Care

Cas

[Eskimo Nell]

JCJ - I absolutely know that you, like everyone else, is right about this but I also know that I would be coping so much better if I had friends and family around me. I don't want to sound totally pathetic or have people feel sorry for me but to be in a country with no-one is like nothing you can imagine.

I have also wondered if H is really in MLC - we all think so from my posts here but he is adamant that he is not. I guess that could be considered similar to an alcoholic denying that they have problems too! (H is NOT an alcoholic)! Therefore, I must believe nothing of what he tells me and only half of what he does.

I hear you on the heating thing .. trouble is, he's started ignoring the bills now and I had to pay the water bill this morning, which reduces my miniscule nest egg to even less. I just can't do this and I feel that he is trying to 180 me by putting my back against the wall. If the utilities get cut off and the mortgage is not paid, I will be evicted. I can't really believe that he would do that but it is in my mind that this is now his new game.

Despite him telling me that we have our email to communicate (why would he stoop to just that when we were having regular phone calls until recently) he is just not answering when I email him to advise that a bill has arrived and is due. I just don't seem to be getting through to him, though when he is here and I say this, he seems rational and states that he will reply. Uurgh, it is so frustrating. He is certainly playing a blinder and he knows which buttons to push. He has borrowed money from his parents to fund his secondary lifestyle but I don't think that they would be any too impressed knowing that he is using that for holidays and entertaining whilst he is not paying our bills and leaving me so neglected.

I know that I have to find something to occupy me but we really do live in the backwaters of society and there is very little here other than a burger outlet, garage and bottle shop. That's it! I would love to join your cat appreciation society, yes please! I looked at doing some voluntary work but it's quite a way away and I really don't know that I could hold myself together to be out there in the public eye right now. I have to do something though ... will keep thinking and researching.

I didn't see your thread - I seem to have lost it somewhere but will go looking again. I was trying to work out the buddy thing so that I can keep track but it's not that user-friendly, or I am just totally techno-useless! I am really sorry that your H has treated you that way - it's so cruel and heartless, isn't it? You just can't believe that the love that we once had can diminish to such a level.

[Eskimo Nell]

Hi Cas - how are you doing today??

Reading your post, I can't help but feel sorry for H in lots of ways. I don't see how he can be happy when he is not eating properly, remains stressed and has gone even more grey, in 2 months. I hear you on that he is trying to make himself more comfortable and assuage his guilt. I just think that when he saw me so upbeat the other evening, that would also have served him well in 'knowing' that I was doing fine and he doesn't have to feel that way any more. He saw a really 'together' me and one who only needed a small amount of assistance. Do you really think that he will be questioning? I get the feeling that when he leaves here he can forget about me until the next time that something crops up and we are 'forced' to speak.

I shan't ask him to come home. I have come to far than to slide back and I HAVE TO BELIEVE that this DB'ing works. I just wonder if anyone else feels as I do in that their WAH never will return as they know him all too well and the way that he works. I see his determination that this is his new life - FOREVER - and it kills me.

I am trying to stick with it and I know that there is such good advice coming my way. I am so grateful for all of you who are offering the hand of kindness, friendship and patience, when I sound like an ungrateful and pathetic whiner!

Today was going to be mowing the front and side lawns but it is lashing down with rain - it's dark and gloomy, which is so akin to my mood! Even though I promised myself that duvet day last week, I didn't take it. Perhaps today is the day instead - a reward for all my hard work yesterday! One thing that I shan't be doing is asking H to meet me for coffee this weekend - as I have the past two weekends - and been turned down. If what you are doing doesn't work - stop!

Good luck with the cleaning and grocery shopping and I hope that the weekend is fun, as well as busy!!

[MrBond]

EN,

Is there anyway you can move back home? Or get another source of income? Right now you are dangling on his strings and I can guarantee you that if he settles down with the OW, then he's going to leave you out to dry.

Take care of yourself with your own resources. It's scary and it's not what you want, but it's live or die. When it comes to having a roof over your head and water, then you are in danger.

"he also said that he didn't believe that there was anything monumental that I would be able to offer"

Give me a break. You should be saying that HE doesn't have anything to offer you. Do not let him play with your future like that. You have alot to offer. Believe in yourself.

[Eskimo Nell]

Yeouch! That hurts, even though there could be a lot of truth in what you say Stuck. I would so like to think that H would never do these things to me but he is in alien territory right now afterall.

I won't move back to the UK. There's nothing for me there any longer and I know that my friends are struggling to provide the support that I need. I spent the whole of June putting up with the comments that they thought were right but only made me feel more bitter, twisted and upset - with them as well as H!

I would like to agree and be able to say that he doesn't have anything to offer me but he really does! That's why we are such a good team .. we compliment each others abilities and capabilities - our morals and ethics are a good match - he's just relinquished his over to the aliens ... but I do believe and I will continue to DB until he takes that trip back to planet Marriage and realises that he has a W who has made changes - permanent changes - for herself primarily but for a better marriage as a bonus. If he can't see that would benefit him in happiness and all the things that he says he wants, then that's his choice.

[MrBond]

"I would like to agree and be able to say that he doesn't have anything to offer me but he really does! That's why we are such a good team .. we compliment each others abilities and capabilities - our morals and ethics are a good match - he's just relinquished his over to the aliens ... but I do believe and I will continue to DB until he takes that trip back to planet Marriage and realises that he has a W who has made changes - permanent changes - for herself primarily but for a better marriage as a bonus. If he can't see that would benefit him in happiness and all the things that he says he wants, then that's his choice."

The problem is you still put so much faith in him (which is okay to have), that you are putting your own welfare in danger. You say that it's HIS choice. What about YOUR choice?

That's what DBing is about. It's not just about trying to get your spouse back, it's about living to your potential so that you can stand on your own two feet and not rely on your spouse.

Right now he's not attracted to you because you seem to be living off him. It's not true, but that's his perception right now. What can you do to dispel that? What do you want and have to do for you?

[Eskimo Nell]

Tough love, eh?

I am interested in your view Stuck as so far, I seem to have ladies as my great buddies on here. A man's approach is often different and the view point from a different angle.

You are right in that he probably feels very 'burdened' by me right now as I am reliant upon him - financially mostly. I have tried to get a job but nothing seems to be going my way. I am not giving up and actively pursuing everything that I can. Part of me worries in that though - if I get financially independent, H can then really go with both barrels and push the house sale, which I evidently do not want.

I think that he is being fairly patient at the moment but I ask myself if this is because he is unsure of his position with OW (who lives interstate) and whether he really has done the right thing. The other factor is that he realises the house market has dropped so badly that we would proabably come out with negative equity and that would not allow for either of us to have a good start in building a new life. There are so many 'what if's and maybe's' at the moment ...

[MrBond]

It's not really about Tough Love. It's about respecting yourself.

Right now your life...YOUR life hinges on his R with OW. How does that sound to you? Do you like having your life in someone else's hands?

He's got the finger on the trigger and pointed at you. You have two choices. Stay still, or dodge and take the gun away.

From a guy's POV, he's going after the OW because she does one thing...stroke his ego. yet he likes having you as a fallback plan in case things don't work out.

Re-read your post above. It's all about him. Do you enjoy being treated like a dog? He'll snap his fingers and you come running. Get out and do something about it.