UPSIDE DOWN and struggling badly.

[girlfromoz]

Hi Nell, I don't think you backslid too much, so I wouldn't worry.

Try not to dwell on the hours ahead, I know it is easier said than done, or what H is doing or whether he has moved on or not etc. You have to develop Nell's own world and the new Nell. that's all you should be thinking of now YOU.

[Eskimo Nell]

OK - thanks for the reassurance that my backslide wasn't so awful. Infact, last night H did agree that if I had questions, I was able to ask and so I guess that made me feel better and why it was so easy to ring him.

I've just emailed him a bill that's overdue by a week ... I haven't even seen the original (Water Bill) and I have asked that we have a discussion on the financial stuff ... I can't have things overdue, it worries me to death. He's not getting the bills obviously but its likely that the original arrived when I was in the UK - he has just forgotten about it now that he has moved out. He has to take these things seriously but here's the rub:

What happens when he reiterates that I am living here so I have to pay my share of the bills - I know that I am going to want to say "if you can afford a holiday with OW, then you should be more respectful to your PRIMARY woman and take care of your marital responsibilities - i.e. the bills"

I'm trying to figure a good way of saying that but I really do want to get the point across. He's left me in a position where I am rationing everything to my position 3 months ago and yet he feels it OK to go and have holidays, plus flights interstate every few weeks to see the tramp?? It's why I bought the two plants today - all $26 worth!!!!

[Eskimo Nell]

Have knocked myself out this arvo ... got to grips with the new petrol mower that I had a lesson on, from H, last evening. I am so resentful that he would let me do this - it's a big task and the least I would have expected was that he would not stand by and let me do such heavy manual tasks ... our block is large and I used to watch him struggle to complete the lawns. Doesn't say much about his respect for me, does it? Still, tackling it bit by bit, I have done the back gardens so the front and sides will get it tomorrow.

I have also moved the patio furniture around and put the garden vac all around the alfresco so that it's all squeaky clean and new looking, once again. Moving the outdoor furniture is far more beneficial the new way around - I can go out and read to my hearts content now but still leave old puss on 'his' favourite piece of furniture, undisturbed!

I look back on all the jobs that I have been doing since H left and I almost felt drawn to write to him and let him know how much I appreciate what he has done for me in years gone by. I had no idea how much he was really doing and how much I took for granted that he would carry on doing. I guess he's finding things the other way around now that he has to do washing, ironing etc ... Mind you, I would rather his tasks - my new stuff is physically challenging but should keep my weight on track - a downward trend!

Well, that's another day almost over - it's really sad that I am living like this and counting down to ..... to what exactly? There's nothing out there for me to look forward to, other than the day H says that he's coming home. I still feel so stuck despite all the advice to GAL but it's just not so easy done as said, with my circumstances as they are. It's hard not to sit and wallow, feeling self-pity and abject misery but that really is kind of where I am at.

[Eskimo Nell]

Next issue I am dealing with is out impending Wedding Anniversary in September. It will be a Friday and I am dreading that H goes interstate ... it would be so much nicer if he could find it in him to meet up with me! Any ideas of how I could weave him a bit toward that thought?

H ruined my birthday as was with OW for weekend and I can't bear the same happening again - on our Special Day.

Do I send him a card/text/email on the day, or ignore it as a 180, as I am sure will be the advice??

[MrBond]

You've got it right. As long as he's with the OW, don't acknowledge the day. Do you really want him to open a gift you gave him at the OW's place?

Maybe go out that night and do something special for yourself. Go and pamper yourself with a massage, a night on the town, a nice dinner. Just something. And do it with a friend. You're going to need some support.

Just a suggestion.

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks Stuck - appreciate you dropping by.

My circumstance is a little difficult and not like others, I'm afraid. Currently I am totally reliant upon H for my finances and, as we are living in a 'foreign' country, I have yet to make any new friends who are able to get out and about with me! I am a sad-sack I know but it's the reality of my right here and now.
I am doing my best to address both areas - finding work and friends but it doesn't happen over night, as you will appreciate.

I hear you on the card/present thing but then knowing him, he wouldn't open anything if he was not on his own. I won't buy him a gift, definitely (he ignored my July birthday totally) but we have always been so protective of our Anniversary and have always made it such a great day.

Maybe a lone walk on the beach is what I shall end up with ... hopefully, I could meet a real spunk and wouldn't that be a great 180?!! (Bravado speaking of course, I'm nowhere near ready for that). That's what I don't understand about WAS's - how could they even THINK about touching someone else, never mind having a PA?? Yeuck, the thought revolts me.

[MrBond]

I know how you feel. My W had an A with her boss. 25 years older than her. Disgusting.

What country are you in? No matter where you are, there are always places where you can volunteer your time. Sometimes the best healing is to give your talents to someone who appreciates it. Rather than concentrating your efforts and resources on your H who won't appreciate it, think about giving you time to a place in need, or donate the money you were going to give as a gift, to a charity.

Look on meetup.com for free things to do. There are alot of things that don't require money. Think of it this way. No matter how bad off you think you are, there's always someone worse off.

Help them and you will fill the void you feel missing in you right now.

[Eskimo Nell]

I hear you - and I feel your pain and bitterness. I'm 'stuck' in that mode too. It's a travesty of the worst kind.

I'm in Australia and we are very isolated from what you may think goes on over here! It's not far off being a one-horse town in the country region where I am living and whilst this was good when H was around, now it is not so.

Thanks for the website - I shall have a look and see if there are any options there for me.

Have you been DB'ing with your W ... ?

[MrBond]

Yes I have. I've been at this for over a year after she gave me the ILYBNILWY speech and that she wanted to pursue her M boss. Crazy times lay ahead and it took me a long time to figure out a plan of action.

When I look at how things were last year compared to this year, they are 100 times better. Same time last year, she moved out of the house and we were sharing our kids 50/50. Today she's home, we're sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy, but she's joking and talking compared to last year when she was nasty, name-calling, "afraid" of me, etc.

It does take the patience of a saint to do what we all do. The thing is to keep moving. Too many people on these boards become "stuck" in their situation and end up ending their marriage even though it was their spouses who wanted it.

Stay positive and live for yourself. You can't control your H, you can only control you. So make yourself happy. You were a content individual before you met him. What did you like to do before that may have gotten lost over the course of the M? What was your passion.

He's not around, so it's a great time to rekindle the love of the other things you had going for you. Build the strength in yourself and you'll find that you don't need him.

Stay strong.

[dolphin_05]

You've had another productive day, Nell. Well done! Bet it's helped your positivity!

Cas