As for jobs, I am a nurse but not in the traditional hospital role any more. I have specialised over the years and now basically do OHS or Rehab/Injury Management and unless you want to do FIFO (which I don't and can't due to the babies), then everything else is all taken and it's like waiting to fill dead mens shoes. There's just nothing - literally. The frustration is awful and it compounds the other problems right now.
I know that everything you say is right aboutnot being dragged down but I just can't seem to get off the starting blocks. Maybe I need to text H this morning afterall - if I know when he is coming down, that will give me something to look forward to. I know that I should be breaking that thought pattern and start heading toward detachment but I just can't do it - and what is more, I don't even know that I want to do it. It's like letting go and admitting that I have lost. That's a scary thought when I am so very much on my own - he is my only safety net and it's bad enough that there is a gaping hole in that, never mind to have him totally gone. That is what is so different in my sitch than for most others who post here - most have family or close friends ... it's heinous that I am forced to live like this. It's the cruelest blow of all.
Talk later ..
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
OK - so have email H at work (bad me, said that I wasn't going to bother him at work) but no reply an hour later - not that unusual these days.
Went to have my shower and then pulled out the hairdryer - smaaaaaash .... my lovely (almost full) bottle of Armani perfume that H bought me hit the deck and ran all over the floor of the bathroom. I was hoping that would be the door opening on the tears but no, I just swallowed the pain - uttering expletives - but now I am hurting.
I realised that H will probably never buy me perfume again and that may be how it all ends ... down the drain - and evaporating fast. Just can't save any of it....
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
....and now the second major disaster of the day, my car won't start
Just undone all the good work in holding out and, in panic, phoned H and left a message to call me back as I need his help - uuurrrggggghhhhh - why did I do that but what else can I do?? Can't exactly phone anyone else to come help me.
So, for all the good plans of off out today, now I am stuck - completely. Mad as h*ll.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
H just called! He's not a happy bunny but has offered (begrudgingly) to come have a look at the car this evening ... should I let him? I have an interview in the morning and need the car. H was getting fractious on the phone so I thanked him for the offer and said that I would call him back later. I didn't handle it very well and was trying not to react but through my panic, I really screwed up.
His words were angry and basically 'whatever... you decide' - it felt like he was ready to hang up on me.
What should I do?? I can't afford to call a mechanic ... so I think that I am going to have to agree. He didn't mention that he had plans to come down this week anyhow ...
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Oh Nell, you poor love, wish I was there to help and give you a hug.
Such a shame he is not being nice to you when you are clearly in need of assistance with the car.
Others may disagree with me, but if you can't afford a mechanic or don't have roadside assist then you don't have much choice but to enlist his help.
Don't call back yet, you need to calm down and gather your thoughts first, so when you do talk to him you are not upset or agitated. Go make a cup of tea or coffee and just sit and calm a bit first.
I will be around, I am at my computer all day here, so I keep checking in, so will watch for your posts.
I didn't call straight back. I left it a (short) while and went to look at the car manual so that I had some information for him. He told me to go look at some other stuff which I did and then he called me back. He said it sounds like the battery.
Giving me my options (which are few) he again said that he would come down and have a look for me (he's a great mechanic) but couldn't guarantee anything. I told him that I have an interview in the morning and I need the car, which is true. He said that I was being difficult in saying whether or not I wanted him to come down but I felt like he really didn't want to and told him so. He groaned at me and said that he wouldn't offer again, so I graciously accepted.
He said that he would be down around 6pm and so I offered to make him dinner - he paused and then refused.
I just felt panic when speaking with him - it's like talking to a stranger and I feel uncomfortable, especially when he is not so nice to me by reply. He was lovely last time I saw him and now he seems to have slipped back again ... of course, I am sure that he is being 'coached' to act this way. I don't know how it's going to go tonight. I did mention that he was going to come down this week anyway so this kind of brings it forward. I also (foolishly) asked why he had not replied to my email asking him when he was likely to come down and he said that he was still thinking about it ... what's to think about? Either you are coming or not??? I think that I get in a knot too, knowing that this is my opportunity to use all of my techniques but then I blow it when I have the chance - what's that all about?
So, I have to go do something now about my pig-like looks today. Despite having pampered already this morning, my hair is dull and lifeless, my face full of spots - sunken eyes and looking every inch the wreck that I do not want him to see. Any suggestions??
Instead of looking forward to seeing him now, I'm dreading it ... I have lost control, look like a freak and am throwing myself on his mercy - not very attractive for a DB'er.
Last edited by Eskimo Nell; 08/26/0903:40 AM.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
First off Nell, you really have to try and control and distance yourself from it.
He will be like a stranger to you, they all are even mine, yes it is uncomfortable talking to them and yes he will be lovely one minute and horrible the next. He may very well be getting coached or it just the aliens in his head. You will never predict his behaviour and you won't understand it,that is why you have to stop yourself from getting emotional over it and forgeting the rules of DBing.
You have to start looking after yourself sweetie, I know the first time H left me in June, I couldn't move off the couch to go to work, I didn't go for a whole week. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I drank too much wine and ate way too much chocolate, then I realised that I was only hurting myself not my H. I now make sure I have a healthy breakfast and lunch (yes you will have to force feed yourself to begin with, but DO IT), I eat dinner depending on the time I get home from gym so dinner is up and down.
You have some time, so go and redo your hair, put on a nice outfit, put your makeup on, perfume and have a meal ready even if it is only for yourself, make sure he sees you are pulled together and the house smells good from cooking. Don't let him think for one second that he is getting to you.
I hear you - and know that you are right. I'm going to start this day over - it's been a disaster since I got up this morning. I'm going to do as you say.
I think that overall, I am just so disappointed that I had been working reasonably well, only to have to go crawling to him now that the chips are down. It's taken away my confidence. The car doing this is so annoying too -I could expect it if it was an old bomb but it's not! I just hope that it doesn't do, as could be predicted, and start first time he turns it over!!
I'm also disappointed as I have been unable to get to the post office to send off my friends birthday present AND I really wanted to go get those plants to put in today. It's all just a smack in the face really. Broke H's favourite glass last night (will broach that with him later but I doubt he cares any more) and then the perfume this morning has about pushed me clean over the edge. It's always the 'small' things, isn't it?
Just put the straighteners through my hair and still look like a pig - only now one that's been pulled backward through a hedge, so I'm starting over - from scratch - including putting a dye on!!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Darn cars are notorious for doing that. Don't mention that his glass has been broken, not really worth it, as the saying goes "don't sweat the small stuff".
Just remember that today can't get any worse and tomorrow will be better.
Make sure to start smiling now so by the time H arrives it won't be so hard.
