Lol, it is quite idyllic. Yup, good ol' paranoia and that I am not working hard enough on my project. I actually need someone to tell me to get my eyes down and work sometimes as I have no one to do that as I work on my own.
We have no children either and now not a house. Not that the house was actually a helpful factor in my sitch apart from the selling process that helped us bond to this point, even though I held onto that house for so long in my heart. My h lives with his ow now also and it still has not stopped him contacting me. That is meant to reassure us both
Maple harrumphed back. She is not into purring - that would be giving away far too much affection and be far too friendly. She merely acknowledges others presence on her terms
I know I keep saying this but you will be fine. Just work on keeping that calm and cool.
Well, just got two emails from H - one four days after I sent it (prior to the weekend, go figure) largely inconsequential and now filed in the 'I will not respond' folder!
The other one re the builders situation, above. H was apologetic that he had not copied me in to his communication with the tribunal - he said that he meant to do so but it's wasted on me -that's his usual excuse for everything (he has a shocking memory)! He did not mention the reason why he is not available until October and I have also filed this email in the 'I will not respond' file. I shall wait and see if he brings it up in conversation when he visits later in the week - not that he has given a day on which to arrive still .... I'm beginning to think that he won't come afterall. Or is my 180 of not asking him what day starting to pay off and he is waiting ...??
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
The problems of working from home, eh JCJ?!! I love it. Mind you, any work for me would be great right now - as long as it pays enough to keep H off my back! I love working from home actually, when I get the opportunity but I know what you mean about self-discipline - it can be a struggle sometimes.
Women tend to get more attached to their homes, I believe. H doesn't seem to be missing it at all but then we have had such trouble since building and both of us have become disenchanted with the place. Trouble is, having left for the month of June and now the threat hanging over me of losing it, I want it that much more. Typical Cancerian, eh?
I'm not that convinced about your WAH. If you have no kids and he is living with OW - why is he still contacting you .. good for you that he is but what's his message?? Mmmm..... yes, reassuring indeed, other than my H goes totally dark on me from Thurs to Tues when OW is about and even when she's gone (or he's back in town), his 'loyalty' remains with the tramp and not with me. That's how he is - black or white. It's also why I don't think that I have any chance of DB'ing working for me. In his mind, he's long gone and will never return - he's told me that - the M is dead as far as he is concerned. He can't see why I am hanging on as long as I have, never mind any longer! Mind you, it must be a thorn in his side having to financially support me whilst all he wants is the money to go off enjoy himself in his new life ... too bad.
Maple - great name! Typical behaviour of a cat and wouldn't she make a great DB'er with that attitude?!!
Don't feel very calm tonight - was all tucked in and settled to go to sleep after my nightly Horlicks when I had a panic and had to get up to check emails. I couldn't fight it and now I'm wide awake - no email but that's probably just as well or I could be as angry as I was earlier!
Ah, I might have a pool (which I always longed to have) but it's the old addage of "be careful what you wish for" isn't it? Just as I get used to it, it's all teetering on a knife edge ...
Are you at that project yet?!!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Yes - that would be a good opener! I am committed to waiting until tomorrow anyhow so will see what others think too.
He kind of left me an opener by asking a question at the end of his last email but I have chosen to not respond, as I said earlier. If I get blocked, I could always open that up and then add your suggestion on to the response.
Ta!
Last edited by Eskimo Nell; 08/25/0902:06 PM.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
What a busy night you have had, I have just been reading through the recent posts.
I am glad you didn't respond to the emails straight away, you would have shown to much anger which you don't want to do. You kept your cool which is great.
As JCJ says if you really want to know when he is coming you could just ask as suggested, but just remember to keep it real simple don't get carried away. Others may have a different idea but if he is planning on coming over he needs to understand that you have a life to and won't just be sitting there waiting for him to decide to show up.
Hope you managed to get some sleep, I found sleep to be so important even though getting to sleep can be hard and even just going to bed harder again, but for your own well being you need to sleep.
Nell, so pleased to hear you got stuck into that weeding and that you have plans for the days ahead. It's really crucial to yoour well being. When I was sick I had to set a goal and stick to it each day, otherwise I would get really low. Each morning I walked on the beach and dumped all my problems there and then as I walked off the beach I planned the day ahead. I'm in Qld btw.
Thanks Oz - you are right. I need to get H's answer on what evening he plans to come around as I can't let him think that I am just sitting here ... or out weeding the garden! I'm in stubborn mode today and not wanting to contact him but I guess that if I wait until lunch time, it won't seem like I have got out of bed and he is the first thing on my mind - though he very much is, of course.
I don't have trouble in getting off to sleep, funnily enough. I just wake early and feeling so very sick. It haunts me in the early hours and this morning I have woken up feeling like a horse slept on my chest ... no, not from the weeding (!!) but in my heart. The pain is so bad still that I do have physcial manifestations and it drags me down. I'm trying not to give in to it today but it's so easy when you see the lonely hours stretching out in front of you before it's bed time again. I feel like I am just existing until 7pm every night when I can gather up the cats, hot water bottle, cup of Horlicks and head off to watch some mindless tatt on Foxtel.
As you know, I am trying to GAL but there's nothing much going on around here - we are an hour away from the most isolated city in the world (ha! imagine it) and truly, unless you want to go in to the city, there is nothing going on. I'm just not that brave to head up there on my own and hang out in bars or restaurants, because that's all that there is. I also worry about my personal safety if I am out after dark. Coming home is problematic for me - we are on the edge of the bush and it can be pretty creepy at times!
I have managed to get in to the evening routine, as described, but I still can't find a routine for the day time hours. Once I can get work, that is going to help me so much. Applied for two jobs yesterday (they always turn out to be non-starters) and the agency are having another look around for me.
It's still very much on my mind what H's plans are and why he is not available until 6 October - that being a Tuesday, which is his usual day to return from interstate, when it's his turn to fly over there. I can't help but feel that it has something to do with that tramp but I must stop thinking about it - and in that way. Maybe it will turn out to be nothing like I am imagining and he will tell me about it when he's here. Thing is, it all highlights that there must be so much else that he is not telling me about too - he doesn't consider himself married any longer and so why should he share his diary with me?? It tears me apart that I am still legally married to him and yet I know nothing of what he is doing on a day to day basis. He has cut me off and his intentions are so clear in my mind - get rid of the house, get rid of me. End of.
Today there will be a trip out in the car! I am going to post off the scarf and some other bits'n'bobs for my friends birthday and then I shall head on out to find the replacement plants that need to go in the front garden. Need to control the spending - especially when I am in the plant nursery!
New friend said that she may give me a call later and meet for coffee/lunch at mine but not sure as she really didn't know what her plans were going to be. My life is one big uncertainty every day - I just don't know how much longer I can live like this. It's just too lonely to be living like a hermit.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
What you say is true - it's crucial to our health to keep focused and even positive. I am not looking after myself that well and so to even sit out in the sunshine is a step in the right direction! I have started to eat one piece of fruit a day too, which is a BIG challenge for me as I have never been good with it! Next step will be building myself back up to eating properly - with vegetables and not just 'snacks'. I'm sure others have gone through that 'cant be bothered to cook for myself' stage and just grab what's quick and easy.
Being in Aus, we do have lovely beaches! You sound like you are closer to yours in QLD than I am here - I have to drive for 20 -25 minutes to my nearest but that's no problem. If ever I do move States, QLD would be top of my list - I love it over there - but then I love Darwin too!!
I'm going to try to fit my bike in the back of my car today - if it fits I will be laughing as then I can take it to the beach with me and work my way down the cycle paths.
What have you got lined up, as the week draws to a close?? Are you travelling OK?
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Yes Perth is a bit of problem as it is literally so far on the other side of the country. My H's family live down south from Perth but we haven't been there in many many years. I know what you mean by coming home at night it is creepy even with our beloved furry babies waiting.
The pain in your heart will ease as time goes on but it will always come back from time to time and we just have to keep finding the strength to get through those patches.
I am so surprised that as a nurse you are unable to get steady work, I thought nurses were in great demand, are there any permanent nursing jobs you could apply for as well not just agency work, not that I know a lot about the nursing profession.
You also have to try really hard Nell to remove the thoughts of the OW from your head, you can't let that person drag you down you are a far better person with star qualities and they are not worth sacrificing your inner happiness for.
Take your time when you go out enjoy and savour your time in the fresh air. I hope your friend can meet you for lunch that will be good for your spirit. Life is full of uncertainties for everyone everyday, so don't worry about what you can't change or control just worry about what you can change that is all that matters at the moment.
