(((Stronger))) You must have been through so much personal pain as to have made you so wise.
The 'script' is what has sucked me in to this huge negative vortex, even though the weekend was bad, I seem to have got worse having read something that I had read and re-read all throughout June and part of July. Why it should send me crashing now, is a mystery. I'm guessing that it was no longer fresh in my mind and, as I have been working on positives, it reminds me of why we are where we are. I also think that I have always put H on a bit of a pedestal (not that he saw that) and I can not believe now that he would ever do anything other than that which he says he will.
Throughout this 3 months, he has often called me a liar for some of my actions and words which have not met his expectation but I am considering that maybe it is he who has lied - in leading a life for 17 years that was based on fragility, mis-communication and him not being true to himself, never mind me. This makes me feel angry, resentful and full of rage. It is a waste of two lives.
I like the words that you used to your H in your penultimate paragraph. I have read some of your posts but I sometimes find locating people on here a bit of a chore - there's so much info and it's knowing where to find it. I shall look more later.
Thank you for your positive affirmations and I hope that I can do as well as you have been doing - although quicker would be nice!
Take care - be kind to yourself and I hope that we catch up again real soon.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Hi Oz Yes, I'm here. Sorry, just replying to the other posters ... it's all so good when people take the time and I do like to give a personal answer rather than a 'group' platitude!
Thanks for your words today ... I know that I have another post from you so I will answer that one next. I think that to know I am going through what everyone else is/has, validates my feelings and makes me realise that I am not going mad. I also think that doing my 'homework' from my C made me bring up stuff that I was not ready to, without support. I should have done it next weekend instead of being the swotty student that I am and now I have to deal with those feelings until I see her next Monday! It's all very negative stuff. Thing is, I am enjoying it ... it's like routing out the dirt that has been sitting there for so many years - I never want it to end - it's so cleansing and in so, I know that I will be healing, if that makes sense to you??
I do like the suggestion of going to the ocean ... I think that I will sort out my stuff here and do just that. Take my book, go get take-out coffee and sit and watch for those dolphins. Yes. That's another reprieve for those weeds
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Good work Nell, I don't know if I could deal with C at the moment bringing up stuff, I don't think I am at that point yet, but if you are getting something out of it then that is great, just don't let them put you off coming here, it really is a godsend to know you aren't going mad and that what our H's or W's as the case may be say to us is like a script from a book, worldwide they all say and do the same or similar things.
I hope you have nice weather there for some dolphin gazing, such majestic creatures, you can't be unhappy when you see them oh and the weeds will still be there tomorrow. We have rotten weather here today.
Hi Oz - sorry, I forgot to wish you a Good Morning too - but you know that I do, so please forgive me (((Oz)))
You are right - why am I expecting him to be kind ... if he was that kind, he wouldn't have left me, would he? I just find the hot and cold routine a bit difficult to deal with and it signifies to me that, whilst he was 'reasonable' with me last week, I get the cold email this morning as if to say "I had a lovely weekend with OW, even though we are not going to discuss it but you should know that I am happy". See how I torture myself??? He would laugh at me for this, I just know it.
I like that you say the Alien love is buried deep under the crap in their heads. I believe that - I have to. If I believed that he has not loved me, I would crack up for sure. I guess it reminds me of being in a dark and spooky attic, looking for something that was precious - eventually you realise that you want to see it again. I just wish that H was as sentimental as I am.
Headache is clearning (((thanks))). I am perfectly sure that you are right in that it is a tension headache (I'm a nurse, so I can be sure of that!) and I know that I slept badly last night, despite the two babies being on the bed and watching over me. It's like they know that I am in a bad place and they are so gorgeous in keeping me company - I swear that they understand.
Now, as for the email, as I said H was very matter of fact. I had asked him some advice re practicalities of the garden and he answered very 'to the point'. I had mentioned that I was going to dig out the lawnmower and he said that he would give me a lesson in how to use it when he comes down this week (I should say that I am not totally pathetic but this is a new petrol mower that I have never even seen before, never mind used)!!
No mention of what day he is planning to visit and no asking if I was doing anything, so as to fit in with my plans. So, how do I answer?? I have left it for now and almost feel that I shan't respond until tomorrow as I have been 'too busy'. I am finding it hard to decipher the difference between 'playing games' (which is how he will see it)and doing a 180! How about something like "Thanks for your email. Sorry that I didn't reply yesterday as I was so busy. I will be happy for your advice when you visit later in the week. See you then'.
Trouble is, that still doesn't tell me when he is coming down and I need to know! I also noted in this email that he did not use my name, or his own. The little (xx) kisses that we always used are long gone from him - and from me, recently - not that he has noticed, or commented.
The other thing, Father's Day is on Sunday. I have always got him a card from the cats - as he does for me on Mother's Day. Now I don't know whether to send it or not - it's written and here on my desk, stamped and ready to go. I haven't bought a present this year (as is usually common practise for us both). Do I post the card, give it to him when he comes down or just put it in the bin as a (cruel) 180?? I think that it would really upset him not to get a card from the mogs but who knows? I really wouldn't mind him feeling the pain that I felt when I got nothing from him on my birthday but you don't always have to sink to the other person's level, do you. Any thoughts??
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Your two babies know full well what you are feeling that is why they are remaining close to you. My dog looks at me with such sad eyes lately and rests her head on my shoulder, the cat won't leave my lap, purring constantly and just staring at me. They know and they try to help comfort you in their own way.
You see your H sees you as an enemy and the cause of his unhappiness at the moment, until he wakes up and realises that this is not the case, you have to just keep working on yourself and not dwell on him.
You have to keep your replies very business like, just like dealing with a business partner (a good friend to me on this site gave me this wise information). Don't apologise for not replying immediately or thank him for the email that will just show neediness. Post any other replies you think of before sending and I am sure everyone else will help with a reply after when they wake up, get home. Even I still struggle with replies, I usually type them, save them, then go back again and play around with it until I am happy.
Don't expect him to use your name or anything, mine hasn't addressed me by anything other than "you" for a few months now, although occasionally he forgets and calls me by name, I do not give him a name either and don't expect the kisses either and do not give them either.
Not sure about the card issue, that is a tricky one and one that I think the experts will be better at giving advice on.
I get confused with all this 'validate his feelings' and then 'don't be needy' and often feel that the two overlap so neatly that it's no wonder we all get confused!
I am thinking that I just won't answer that email at all. He has ignored stuff from me in the past and I don't see why he should expect me to do any other. He said, when I challenged him "oh, I didn't know that you expected a reply - your words seemed like statements rather than questions" - so I shall use the same logic this time around. Afterall, a business partner would not ALWAYS expect a reply following a statement, would they?!!
It may also act as a 180 in that he will be expecting me to respond to any small contact, as that is what I have always done. Not this one.
Talk about hitting the nail on the head when you say that he sees me as the enemy at the moment - yes, that's just how it feels! Also, a little while ago, I mentioned that the kisses on messages had become very sporadic and that's when they ceased completely. He still uses my initials at times to address me, but not often. Our first initail is the same and so we have always used our middle initial too, just to differentiate on mail and stuff but it's kind of become one of the pet ways to address each other also.
You are so right about the babies and I am glad that yours are looking after you equally as well. The love of pets, eh? Totally undconditional.
Yes, it would be good to have some advice on the card, if any of the experts are listening!!
Be back later ... I'm feeling slightly more up than I was first thing this morning so that's a small gain, which is all that we can ask right now.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
I can hear your pain in your messages. I can't imagine that weeding is an inspiring task but you do need to set yourself a task today and complete it. Perhaps cycling is a bit too much at this early stage. Every day you need to set another small task for you to accomplish.......I like Oz's ocean gazing/walking but perhaps you could.......meditate (try petrea King's meditations from the library), bake, give yourself a manicure, pedicure or facial, watch a movie, journal, paint, go for a coffee, sit in a park, change the sheets and towels, pray, read or write poetry, plant some flowers. Just try to do some little thing for you. I struggled last week and I know Sunday I went to a waterside cafe and had a cappucino and it did me wonders!
Well here's the thing - you ladeeeeez are certainly inspirational - what - I'm telling you that??
I decided against a duvet day today and instead of pulling on my jim jams, I pulled on an old pair of pants and a scruffy T, donned my gloves, pulled up my sleeves and let those weedy suckers have it! WOW - did that feel good??
Whilst I was there, H got a bashing, I can tell you. If weeds are voodoo, he will be in intensive care now (expression only - I would NEVER wish that on him, or anyone - well, except maybe OW)!!
I really let rip of my emotions but was careful not to lie prostrate on the ground screaming and crying - I didn't want to frighten the neighbours cat though I thought at one point it may stop the other neighbours kid from screaming that constant high pitched wail of a terrible two's!
Anyhow, whilst down there, I bashed H for all the things that he said in the 'script' and for allowing our situation to get so out of control. I also, in Chapter Two, gave his parents a roughing up as they think that H is Mr. Wonderful and he could never do anything wrong. Well, I started to mentally draft a letter to them and tell them how wrong they were and what a liar he has been, how he has deluded us all as a family and how he has totally deluded himself as a H. I really want them to know the other side of the rose bowl that he is presenting to them - how he has been a coward and let me face all of our friends and family alone, whilst he ran to the succour of hiding under OW umbrella whilst the sh*t came flowing down around us and he left ME to deal with it all ..... oh yes my friends, the River Venom has burst it's banks and it's now all that I can do to stop myself from putting that draft in to an email and letting them have it.
Bad idea, eh??
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
