UPSIDE DOWN and struggling badly.

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks for that reassurance (((Cas))). I am fully expecting that if he has been with OW this weekend then he will up the ante again when he comes down during the week. The thing is, our finances were managable when he lived here but now that he is a WAH, he has doubled all the bills by taking a rented apartment. He says that is my doing as I made it untennable for him to live here with me, whilst (he was) emotionally separating. I just don't think that he should be putting financial pressure on me, as well as everything else, at this time. I blamed his taking an apartment on having to set up his love-nest and he tells me that is my paranoia kicking in ... go figure! I don't see why I should be pushed up against such a financial wall just because of his adulterous behaviour. What is also angering me is that he has borrowed money from his parents to accommodate this secondary lifestyle and now he is pushing me to sell our home so that he can pay them back - as well, of course, as move on in his life.

Thinking things over at the weekend (yes, every second is agonising when you imagine that WAH is with OW), I have come to conclude that they are meeting every second weekend.

When you have known someone for so long, as we have, you can tell if they are hanging out with someone new - things that he says and the way in which he says them are NOT him. I have accused him in the recent past of spitting out 'someone elses' poison - it appears that the tramp is drip feeding him stuff to emotionally kill me off with and like the fool he is currently being, he's complying. This is just not him - this is not my H. He would never behave this way - and yet he is. He says that he does not discuss me with her (and vice versa) but she has been in my home, she is aware of who I am and she even told him that she felt 'threatened' when they had only met once, at that time! I reckon that the tramp has her claws well in to him and he is lapping it up because his wife is so neglecful of him - usual MLC story, no doubt. Knowing my H, he's in this for the long haul and it is breaking me ... I think that maybe I should just accept what he is saying and realise that things, for him, are dead between us. Would it be any easier on me if I just gave up? I doubt it but maybe acceptance is where I need to be ...???

I struggled to sleep last night, was awake early again this morning. I rushed to see if there were any emails from him. Nothing. This tells me that OW is either still not departed interstate or he has not had time to catch up with his email - either way, a hurtful scenario. I know that I should not be thinking this way as we can not second guess what is happening. These thoughts kill me and I am going in to a downward spiral again. Thank goodness that today is counselling day.

Last night I tried to finish Five Love Languages but I couldn't get to grips with it. I think that there are some good messages there for those who are still living together but it's almost irrelevant when you are separated and have such little contact with WAS. I felt much the same about Mars and Venus too ... there were some good things in there but I was mostly 'flicking' as I couldn't settle to anything.

Likewise, my C suggested Passionate Marriage but that seems to be for when your life is back on track and you have a M to be passionate about! For my money DR is the best for me at this time, but despite how often I re-read it, I'm not getting the message of how to carry out the techniques. It is so counter-intuitive, as most agree, and I am struggling. All I have learned is that with H feeling that I have neglected his feelings over time, to go dark and have NC would be the wrong thing for us.

I don't want to ask him what day he is planning to visit this week but I want to be emotionally prepared. It's ten days since I have seen him and I long for him being here again. Thing is, after a few hours he disappears and I feel like I am starting from scratch again .. it's just so hideous waiting for almost two weeks just to be thrown a scrap. I have asked that he spend time with me one weekend but that was ignored. I won't ask again as I see that is needy and pursuing behaviour, not allowing him time "in his cave to stretch his elastic band" and I am trying to go 180 on that emotion! H has no real reason for calling this week so it will be interesting to hear how he leads the way.

I have had such a tough weekend. I don't know how I got through it to be honest. It's only this forum which is keeping me sane right now. As always, thanks for being here and allowing me to vent my massively over-inflated spleen

[Stronger]

almostdonebut stronger....find me on facebook.
I'm going to read your post soon.

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks for reply - I'm not on Facebook as it's caused a heap of trouble for me recently - I need to stay off there. Could you maybe cut and paste your advice if it's already there, please???

Really appreciate you contacting me - thanks for any advice. I'm struggling so badly this past few days.

[girlfromoz]

Hi Eskimo

Just a thought too when your H does come over and you will have to be ready all the time, because you don't know when he will turn up, SMILE, SMILE, SMILE. Even though you are dying inside your H cannot see that on the outside, he needs to see the happy, vivacious Nell he fell in love with all those years ago.

Don't forget let us know how the C session went.

Oz

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks Oz
Yes, I have been practising my best *SMILE* today - even though it's been through the pain.

C went really well - I took my brainstorm piece of paper and C photocopied it so that we can start working on it over next few sessions. She was so happy that I have been doing all the reading and have so much insight to what's going on and she reckons (no guarantees, of course) that our situation is totally fixable. Thing is, I believe her but don't know how to get H to a point where he would come with me so that he can hear that message ... also, would he give up OW to work on things?? Not a cats chance in hell, I would say, at the moment.

Anyhow, C was very good. I do feel her value when I am there but I lose it all quickly when I come out. I almost cry in the sessions, which as you know, I am desperate to do but I don't want to waste my valuable C time by blubbing! By the time I get home, the tears have gone back to their well again and although I try to back track on the conversation so that I can tempt them back, nothing gives.

So far today, not a word from H on text or email. Don't know what to do but know what I am not going to do and that's contact him! I shall wait and see what happens by this time tomorrow ... and then possibly wait some more. Thinking of refusing for us to meet at home but holding out and seeing if he will meet on neutral ground. Not really sure what I want today :o(

[Eskimo Nell]

BTW - C said that whilst this site was brilliant and she supports it, being here all the time is wrong - it compounds my negative feelings and I am getting too wrapped up in this part of my life. She said that I must GAL more ... even though she understands my circumstances with no-one here, lack of finance etc ...

Tomorrow, it's cycling in the morning and the weeds get it in the afternoon (yes, that old chestnut!). Just pray for good weather now ... my eyes are turning square on this computer. No substitute for a girl-friend and a coffee, I must admit.

*Pulling my hair out* desperate that H still hasn't contacted me but feeling that OW must have gone by now ... Feel sure that he will email tomorrow - or perhaps is he waiting on me. Don't know what to do. I don't want to give in and contact first but then I don't want to ignore him as this has been one of his issues and I have decided through advice here, not to go dark on him or 180 on this point. Anyone - advice please ... ???

[girlfromoz]

As far as this site goes, I hung on to every second I could be here at the start. I don't see anything wrong in that in the beginning as you need to feel secure in what you are doing and it gives you a feeling of being connected with those who know your pain.

As you go along and things start to slowly improve, coming here is good to let everyone know and get their feelings and advice on where to go to from that point.

Yes, you can get to wrapped up in it, but as long as you do spend some time getting out and doing other things, I see no wrong in being here.

Just my opinion, but I tell you this has been my sanity saviour and I always feel much better and more calm once I have received my daily dose of help from my friends here.

You are doing fine Eskimo, it is early days yet, you just have to believe in yourself. Enjoy your cycling and weeding, but do not contact him at all, let him take the lead.

Oz

[JCJ]

Hi Nell

Just checking in on you...

I think this may be a long post Apologies in advance.

Can't get it out of my head that H is with OW this weekend, no matter how much I try.

You've got to I'm afraid. The only person you hurt by obsessing is yourself. Do you think it has any effect on them? Michelle describes the stop sign thing. Whenever thoughts like that creep into your mind you envisage a huge red stop sign and switch your brain to something else. Give it time, it works.

already know that I am going to dress to kill

GOod plan but make sure you are not ott. Be nonchalant - 'Oh this old thing?' Knowing you look sexy as

If he wants to talk about R, do I go along with it or just answer his question and divert the conversation??

Listen but do not really engage, as in do not react. Never disagree openly, it only reinforces their view. Read up on validating and active listening. Sanderika was spot on with her advice to you.

It's that tramp that is shaking my world right now - without her around, I truly believe that I would have more chance to win H around... how can I compete

Admittedly she is an issue, but don't give her such importance in your thoughts. There is not competition, don't even make it one. You know that you are fabulous, that is all you need to know. Self- assurance (but not arrogance) is a very attractive trait.

Started reading 5 Love Languages last night and although some of the messages are good, I don't like the style in which the author has written.

I know what you mean but the ideas are good. For example, it showed me that my h still shows me love as he buys me presents and gives me things still. I realised that this is his love language. Mine it quality time and I was feeling unloved as this need was not being met. It helped me a lot to realise this.

I just wish that I could find some positive affirmations from him

It is too early for that. It will come in time.

He's giving off so many signals and all I see is his determination to do what he wants to do.

I'll tell you this now, the thing that finally started bringing me and my h closer together was selling our house. THat was when we started communicating as I was no longer 'fighting' him. I have to admit it was the best thing I could have done. I was cut off in my old house with all the memories brewing with no real access to anywhere. Now I am in a cottage in London with access to everything and happier memories. I don't recommend it as a strategy but I just thought I would tell you that it is not the end of the world.

I have put away my 'personal' bits'n'bobs - he complained a few weeks ago that our home was all about me and displayed none of him

He moved out, what does he expect?

So, when he comes round next week I don't think you can plan for every eventuality of what he may say but you can decide to adopt some general rules that you will follow.

- Be calm
- Do not react
- You don't have to answer everything straight away. It is fine to say you will think about something.
- Have a positive attitude and show happiness and calm.
- Do not be needy.
- Think before you speak
- Listen

You spend a lot of time thinking about what he is thinking and doing and coming up with scenarios. Start thinking about you and what you will be doing. Your situation at thome means you have a lot of time to dwell. That isn't good. As your c said, start to GAL and focus on that. It's early days but it will do you so much good.

(((Nell)))

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks Oz - I think that's more or less what the C was alluding to - just do other things. It's kind of tough when you are on your own though - no family and only two brand new friends, both with issues of their own.

I've hit rock bottom tonight. I found THE LETTER which assisted H to drop the bomb. I read it looking for something to comfort me. Instead it has shaken me all over again. I realise that he was telling me that he doesn't feel like he has loved me in years and wonders if our M was a mistake from the beginning. He says he had doubts but made the most of it all - and yes, we have had the best of times but now he thinks that he is not being fair to either of us. I wish that I had not read it ... I was feeling bad because of the weekend and now I have added fuel to my own fire. Can I go much lower than I feel?

I am so desperate for some company and he has still not yet said when he is coming over. I have plans to meet one girlfriend (possibly) on Wednesday and another on Sunday but that's it. Another week and I am dying - this is a miserable existence ... I can't do it for much longer. Should I just pack up and go back to the UK ...? I don't want to and there's not much else for me there nowadays but at least getting a job would be far easier. This isolation is so cruel ... I am such a social animal normally and to not speak to a soul in days is the worst situation imaginable for me. I am going demented ....

This letter has shaken the small amount of confidence which I had as I now realise that I may be fighting for something which has just never been there

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks for responding with such candour and good sense, JCJ. It has come at the time I most needed a good pep talk - see my post of this evening.

I will re-read again tomorrow when I am more focused although I know that every word makes sense. I am just losing it tonight

I did wonder how he would feel if we got to the stage where the house is to be sold. We had talked about selling it and moving (together) before but as we are involved in taking the builders to court (long story), we have held off. Now it seems that he wants to move along but for different reasons, of course. The threat of his getting the valuation this weekend did not come to fruition but I don't think that it will be long before he starts pushing again.

Good idea to put the stop sign infront of me fo OW thoughts. The other thing is to do the rapid eye movement scenario but it takes too much effort and can make me feel dizzy - guess that one is not for all.

I appreciate you sticking around and continuing to guide me. I think that I need every little bit that I can get right now. It's great seeing the C of course but I know that she has not lived this so to have you people here with me is worth even more in many ways. Pity you weren't all like a branch of McDonalds and you were on the corner of my block and open 24hrs for a face-to-face!

Look forward to you checking in soon.
You cottage in London sounds fab - my sister is in Marlow, so I wasn't far away from you in June - would have come visiting, if only I had known!!

(((hugs)))