UPSIDE DOWN and struggling badly.

[Eskimo Nell]

Back from the library and have crashed - again. Can't get it out of my head that H is with OW this weekend, no matter how much I try. Went to find the spider-buster and it's missing, so that feels like a major trauma - decided to mow the lawn instead and H obviously had a 'clean up' in the shed before he left, so mower now buried and I can't be bothered to fight my way back and retrieve it. Everything is too much effort today ... and even my pep talk to myself amd re-reading threads is not working. My mind is torturing me.

Got the 5 Love Languages and Passionate Marriage from the library so will go read them - out in the fresh air. Coffee and a sweater ... cats by my side. :o(

[Eskimo Nell]

OK - pulled myself out of this mood ... somehow. I think that my sister phoning and telling me how proud of me she is, really helped! She's been with her family on vacation and we haven't spoken in a while so she had no idea what was going on here. I told her how I have been GAL and looking after myself - with my buddies here at DB'ing and she was very pleased (((thank you))) It's so tough with her being in the UK and me here in Oz.

Finally took the yard brush and knocked down those webs! Will probably have to go paint the alfresco ceiling now as there's spider goo everywhere! Anyhow, at least that's one good job done and out of the way. Tomorrow the weeds are getting it ... !

Have been shaking in temper at times today but the work helped. Took some time out in the garden, just chillin and doing some knitting - faithful cats by my side :o)

Thinking about H coming around next week and how the conversation will go. I already know that I am going to dress to kill - and be 'out' when he arrives. I shall walk in to the house 10 minutes after he gets here .. well, OK - maybe five! (I will be watching from a safe distance and time my entrance perfectly).

If he wants to talk about R, do I go along with it or just answer his question and divert the conversation?? It interesting to know why he wants to come around ... usually he has a pre-set agenda but this time I think that he just feels bad as he said that he was unable to meet me this weekend for coffee. Who knows? Ah well, off to read 5 Love Languages. Catch you here tomorrow for anyone that's around.... sleep well, if you can.

[girlfromoz]

Hi Eskimo

Glad you are feeling a bit brighter. Unfortunately the ups and downs of our emotions will be here for quite some time.

From what I gather you need to avoid any R talk, I am sure that is what the more experience DBuster will advise when they check in.

I am about to re-read DB still waiting on my copy of DR to arrive, hopefully Monday, fingers crossed.

Try not dwell on what your H is up to or thinking Eskimo, just concentrate on your own state of mind and body which is more important than anything at the moment.

Just quickly what kind of cats do you have, we have a ragdoll.

Oz

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks Oz - I know that you are right. Tried to get DB from the library today but they don't have it - at all! I told them that they should get it :o)

My cats are pure-bred moggies of the most delightful kind!!! Both tortoiseshells but one is brown/black with a bit of white whilst the other is mostly white with very little brown/black. They are my best friends in the whole world right now ... both sleep with me every night and they are so responsive to my moods. Just goes to show that we get back what we put in and boy, do I put in heaps of love for those two! H is missing out, of course. I can't believe that he would leave them, never mind me.

I would love to have a ragdoll ... lucky you.

[girlfromoz]

We have never been cat people, but I tell you, I wouldn't be without our little girl, they are so loving, I don't know why I waited all this time to get a cat.

Pets are great therapy and they are family and that is why I was so worried trying to find somewhere to live that would let me have them.

Have a good nights sleep Eskimo.

Oz

[Sanderika]

Good Morning Nell,

From my experience about R talks. When I initiated the talk H had little to no patience to talk. This was true most of the time. There were a few rare instances when H and I would be together and I would ask a few questions or make a comment on observations about our R and H would engage a conversation. It was always hard to tell when it would be a good time or a bad time. I eventually adopted the rule of NO R TALK initiated by me.

In my experience when H initiated the R talk, we talked. It's quite a different matter when they start it. Remember, they only do what they want to do. If they begin R talk they want to talk. H and I have had some of our best conversations when H initiated the R talk. We have had some of our worst when I did.

My Advice - When H WANTS to R talk.....TALK.

My Advice - Nell DOES NOT start a R TALK, ever.

My advice - Nell NEVER brings up the OW, ever.

My advice - If H talks about the OW, Nell only listens.....He may do this, mine has.

I agree with you about pets. H and I always had a black labrador retriever. We got him two years before we married and he died at 15 1/5 when our son was 1 1/2. It was very hard. When my son turned 5 I wanted to get son a dog. It was apparent he would be an only child and to me a boy should have a dog. H was dead set against it. H left us just after my son turned 9. Within 5 weeks of my H leaving I went out and bought a golden retriever. Tucker quickly became a member of the family. We love him so....The joy he has brought to son and I cannot be measured. I am so glad I did that, no regrets!!!

When H first saw/heard about the dog he was mean. He wouldn't let the puppy near him, he wouldn't pat him, wouldn't visit son. (MY H TRULY LOVES DOGS) This dog was not his idea. This dog was going against his idea. It was not Hs want. My H was in a full blown MLC. Over time Tucker has wagged his way into H heart. H will never admit he is a good dog. H is also reluctant to show he likes him. I worked really hard on Tucker to give him manners and tricks because one of the things H said to me when he found out about him was "You will never be able to raise a good dog". I had to prove him wrong. I did!!! Everyone marvels at this dogs behavior. The last few times H was here he was good to Tucker. No pats but he laughs at him and lets him outside and brings him inside. He even gave him a scrap off his dinner plate. It's been all about time. Time heals.

I will be anxious to see what you accomplish next.

I also want to say that I believe that your H is in a MLC. The degree may not be as severe as my H. Nevertheless, I see signs of one. I think for now you should treat your sitch as if his is in one.

Remember.....H will only do as he wants. It's all about his wants. If H wants to see and talk to you nothing will stop him. If H doesn't want to see and talk to you everything will stop him. Don't even try and read into the "whys" right now.

Remember.....Everything you are doing is for YOU. Getting H back will be the reward for your hard work on YOU.

Remember.....This one is really hard. Have NO EXPECTATIONS of H at all. You will work like a beaver and H will not notice or you will do nothing at all and H will notice everything. You cannot second guess H right now. It is most likely the more you do will catch H eye in a positive manner and create him to second guess his choice. The less you do will catch Hs negative side and validate the reasons he left.

DB is first all about you and second about bringing H home. H will not come home if things have not changed. H will not come home if he doesn't like the changes. H will not come home if he thinks the changes are simply to rope him back.

DB has to be genuine and real and only with time, when the changes don't reverse, H will know they have become real and only when the changes stay constant over a period of time is when H will drop his guard and fear and think more stongly about returning to the relationship.

It's hard Nell, you are at the beginning. I know you have said 3 months but that is really not very long. You have positives in your world with H. Do more of what works and less of what doesn't. It's really that simple. The hard part is imagining the outcome. Right now you could be working your butt off for a D or you could be working your butt off for reconcilement. I would be working my butt off in hopes of reconcilement. The fact is if you do nothing, you will most likely be in a D.

Saturday AM here and have lots to do around my house today. I will pop back in later in day after you get up.

Take care and keep you PMA!!!!

Sanderika

[SDFoundGirl]

Your H may not say anything about what you've done around the house or to yourself...my H never did...but believe me, they DO notice. They've adopted this martyr attitude where they did everything and you did nothing, so OF COURSE you're going to crash and burn without you.

And then they look around and you're managing just fine. It knocks their socks off.

As I said, my H never said anything, but there's no way he didn't notice how the house was always picked up, flowers were out, it smelled good, etc.

Avoid the temptation to point it out. He WILL notice. But you've just got to let the changes work their magic.

SD

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks for the positive posts this morning - just what I needed. I have been awake since 4am and you can only imagine my thoughts, knowing the OW is in town (or so I believe). Getting out of bed in the small hours makes the bad thoughts a teency bit more managable.

It's that tramp that is shaking my world right now - without her around, I truly believe that I would have more chance to win H around. I know how quickly he falls 'in love' - he has told me that his loyalties are divided and admitted that he loves her ... how can I compete when he wants to run away from me and she is such a pull for him right now? All he sees in her is good and so far, all he sees in me is what has gone wrong in the past years. I know how to address the balance know (well, at least I am getting it!) but the more he is pulled by his EA/PA, the less chance I feel that I have in him acknowledging me. OOooh, I could scream with frustration and pain right now. I just don't think that I can do this ... :o(

[Eskimo Nell]

BTW - I am going to let the weeds have a reprieve today ... they can wait until Monday. I have decided on rewarding myself for a week hard at DB'ing last week and treat myself to a duvet day today. It's tea, chocolate biccies and a pile of library books for me ... and no guilt.

Started reading 5 Love Languages last night and although some of the messages are good, I don't like the style in which the author has written. Getting a bit bored with it (half way through) but will continue ... I don't want to miss a shred of any advice at this stage. Seems though, as is usual, all of these things are so much easier to instigate when H is not WAH. I wish now that I could have controlled my temper more before my H did walk. I would be in such a better situation to deal with this ...

[Eskimo Nell]

(((Sanderika))) I keep reading back on your posts ... perhaps I am just going to have a half duvet day, afterall! I won't get that PMA if I give in to my current mood. I just wish that I could find some positive affirmations from him - but that's my needy side talking, I know. More work needed on that and it's counselling day for me, tomorrow!

I realise that I am lucky to have some time on my side - there are jobs to do in the house before it could be marketed (it's a new house but just not finished) but H is not apparently in too great a rush to finish these things, although we have discussed them. I get confused. He's giving off so many signals and all I see is his determination to do what he wants to do.

I know that he still has a great deal of feeling for me/loves me (but not as a husband should, as he keeps telling me). The more I feel I am doing the right things, the more I feel that he is trying to convince himself otherwise - including validating his feelings with OW. I know him and his belief surrounding infidelity - this is a HUGE step for him to have taken and I know that it's not just a 'fling' as some blokes in MLC have - that's why I am SERIOUSLY so concerned about it. Trouble is, he doesn't see himself as having an A as he told me our M was over before he did anything about it - a pact that we had both always agreed to so that we could live in the security of a non-cheating M.