Posting here again so I am not too hasty with my actions. I am feeling quite annoyed because ow and her kids are helping with the move. I can ignore anything that happens with ow so long as she does not take the place our kids should hold. Our kids will have nothing to do with her and they have made this very clear to H right from day 1. I have tried to let them make their own choices in this regard and I try to keep right out of it but I can't help but be hurt on their behalf.
S was going to be there to help but after a minor issue with H the arrangement was changed late last night. D tells me now that H hadn't even invited her to be there today. He also cancelled taking her to the football tonight. (Now we know why) It also explains why she suddenly had lots of homework.
I am cross about this because it was our kids who went with him to look at all the houses and now on moving day they're not part of the picture and they miss an opportunity to be with their grandparents who will be heading back home in a couple of days.
I want to text him to tell him he's a jerk and he's stuffed up with his kids once again but of course I won't.
I am however, feeling that my course of action now is to remain dark.
Feel free to tell me my thinking is all wrong. Please!! I want him to be the wonderful, caring, loving and sensitive husband and father of just a few years ago but quite frankly I can't see that man ever coming back.
Ugh. Feeling sick of this and feeling pi$$ed that he seems to have it all.......
Hi Cas, just having a few minutes break from packing. I am not good with the advice yet as you know, but whatever you do don't react with a text. Not sure what is going dark yet, so can't comment on that one but it is probably best to try and let this all slide as much as it hurts.
They are jerks they just don't see it yet.
Like mine having a great old time this afternoon while I am breaking my back packing, but because I am the better person, I have done his washing and will iron afterwards even though I feel like throwing it all at him.
Oz - nice to see you out and about. (Bulldust about "not good at giving advice")
Cas, do not react to any of the nasties. It's not from him it's something from and Alternate Universe. The "thing" is wanting you to bite back. That's how it gets it's jollies. Starve the little bugger.
H hasn't got it all. He hasn't got you (and he knows it) and don't you forget it.
Just work on yourself - do your thing. Enjoy. Shine the love light around. You'll feel better. People will notice. And it'll confuse the heck out of the "enemy". They may think you've flipped for a while but it'll become second nature and you'll be thankful for it.
I did want to text H and tell him he was a jerk putting his kids second to ow but I knew it would be fatal. That was why I came on here to vent instead. Then I went out for a few hours with friends.
The kids came to pick me up and neither were too happy. They said H has gone over to ow's place tonight but that's not what he told his dad. How can he hold his head up high and lie the way he does?
The kids said H and ow were going to have dinner with H's parents tomorrow night. He had suggested that we have dinner with them Tuesday, the night before they leave. It seems a bit warped to me to dine with your parents and g/f and then 2 nights later with your parents and your ex and children. Isn't this weird?
Oz, by going dark I am thinking that my best course of action is to do nothing, make no contact at all and just let him go to see if he bothers making contact with me. I know I feel frustrated and close to the end but I also know this person is not my H and I would wait for the real H to resurface.
Hi Cas, definitely sounds weird to have two dinners like that, but then as we know they aren't normal in their thinking, wouldn't your H's parents find that a bit uncomfortable as well?
Thanks for clearing up gong dark. I wasn't too sure what it meant. I assume that is what I am doing at the moment with H out all weekend partying, I have not contacted him, but he hasn't contacted me either.
It is hard waiting for the real H to resurface, it is the one thing keeping me going.
Yes, this is incredibly hard for H's parents. They don't condone his behaviour and they are incredibly loving people but they feel caught because he is their son. They have been very clear with me that they want our relationship to continue as always. I did offer to step back from the family as respect to them so it wouldn't cause any issue but my inlaws were adamant this was not to happen. There has been no real issue to date because he doesn't seem to take her too many places. This is only the second time they have met her.
You are lucky to have supporting loving in laws, mine don't even acknowledge I exist.
It would be very hard for them, they would feel that they have to be nice for his sake but at the same time are maintaining their loyalty to you. He is probably expecting a bit much of them.
I now completely understand the changes in the plan where your kids were going to help H move. Kudos to them for backing out!!!!
He needs to understand the OW in the picture is not cool. The kids are not going to want anything to do with her and frankly it's his loss, not theirs. H will eventually see this. One day he will care. This is a definite. He needs to realize things and this one probably stings a bit. This he will keep to himself.
H lies because H is wrong.
Don't confront him on it. It won't be worth your time. It's all about H wants and this is how he apparently wants it. If not he will also own his regrets.
I think you should go dark on him. He doesn't deserve more right now. Let him own his choice.
As far as the "birthday" dinner out next week...this is tough. If it were me, I would plan the dinner excluding H. I would carry on with the dinner including the in-laws because of the fact they are leaving. It would be nice to see them one last time, and your children will agree.
H will have spent the evening before with them. Why should he join your evening. This is a consequence for his choice. He needs to own his choice. This one would be ok to discuss with the kids. They might feel differently.
To make it seem less awkward between you and H, you could exclude the "birthday" part of the dinner, especially if you ALWAYS do birthdays as a family.
The following is my example only.....
You could tell H if you end up having to explain yourself that.... "A "birthday" dinner for ( ) is being planned on (Friday). Giving the circumstances recently this seemed to make sense. If you wish to join us at (insert restaurant name) on (Friday) at (7:00pm) we would love to see you".
Let H make his OWN choice. Let H OWN that choice right or wrong. He has to start seeing that his actions and behaviors are not going to be without consequence. The kids are already forcing him to see his consequences. You can do the same.
Right now he may seem to not care.....the truth is he really does. This will serve to make him think a little harder. In my sitch, H has told me he thinks about the choices every day. H has told me sometimes he can't stop thinking about it all.
You know Cas, these are only suggestions. It is hard to make the right choice on this one. I think it is an opportunity to put H in the place he has chosen and......that is on the outside looking in. May not be such a bad thing. What have you got to lose!!!
I am now at the point I do what I want as it suits me. I look more and more at every situation like "What have I got to lose". Fear doesn't stop me anymore. I really don't care if he doesn't like what I am doing. He's not here they are my choices and I own them.
(((((Cas))))) I am confident you will do the right thing on this one. I hope my perspective has helped if even a tiny bit.
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
H emailed me last night to confirm our family dinner with his parents. I haven't replied.
H will want to have dinner with his parents that night anyway and it is a Tuesday which is his usual night for dinner with the kids. So dinner will go ahead with or without me. However, in this instance I think I should say no and reality is I don't think I want to see him. I will talk to the kids about it and get their perspective before I make a final decision. I will tell my MIL as she has offered to come with me to the surgeon tomorrow so we have an hour long drive alone.
The moving situation and not going to the football told the kids once again that she was more important. Especially when her s was there. In reality though, she's not more important because he seems to 'fit her into the schedule' when it suits him. It's really all about him. The kids and I are not getting a fair deal and my tip is she's not either. We are separated of course, so he needs give me nothing. However, he tries to leave the door open by his regular visits etc. It's all about H. Cake eating!
I think that the time has come for me to be a little quiet and out of contact and just bide my time to see what happens. The reality is that she's available to him and obviously doesn't put too many demands on him and I'm here in the same situation. Two women available so he makes minimal effort with either until he's ready to make a real choice. Reality is that he'll find a 3rd party, anyway. It won't be ow. She is definitely a trade down.
I sure hope he's not increasing his relationship with her, especially now he's chosen to live less than 5 mins from me. Last thing we need is to be bumping into them!
Thanks so much for your perspective on this Sanderika. I came on here this morning looking for your words of wisdom. Thanks a million!! Cas
