UPSIDE DOWN and struggling badly.

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks Cas05 - I think that you are right .. your advice seems to follow others and I need to stop being an emotional reactor.

[Sanderika]

Nell,

Just a couple of things before I leave for work.....

DB will work with time and patience and you must take our advice.
DB takes longer when the WAS is gone from the home.

Have NO expectations!!!

You have been forwarned that H will come by one day next week. Roll up your sleeves and get to work.....NOW!!!

Work on you, get the PMA going now. Right now if you don't have one H will see that too. He will see if it is genuine or phony.
Start now so by the visit you can behave better and maintain it.

I understand your frustration about responses. NO expectations on your part. YOU got a response!!!! YOU got a wonderful response!!! H is busy this weekend, so what!!! H inquired if you and the cats are OK.....This is a positive!!!!

I understand it might not contain all the warm and fuzzies you want, look at it like this.....it did contain a level of concern and care. YOU need to look at this different. Most MLC WAH don't look back. They only look with disgust and hate. They would much rather ream you a new butt and blame every one of their problems on you as to look at you. They don't want to look at you and they certainly won't sit and have a coffee or meal with you. YOU are not in a very bad place here. This could be a lot worse.

Nell, you need to decide what you are going to do about this....YOU have more power and control over the outcome of this and do not realize it.

WORK ON YOU
GET THOSE SPIDERS DOWN
CLEAN OUT THOSE WEEDS IN THE FRONT GARDEN
MAKE THE HOUSE LOOK AND SMELL LIKE IT DID ON THE LAST VISIT
PUT SOME OF Hs FAVs IN THE CUPBOARDS AND FRIDGE

DO NOT CONTACT H

J is right, you cannot make H want to hug you right now. What you can do is give H the impression things have changed. You can give H the thoughts and ideas that to be with you is a wonderful feeling. This doesn't happen overnight. H does not want to R talk with you at all. So don't. Eventually with enough positive reinforcement and H seeing and liking what he sees H will hug you. Time and Patience and Consistant Behavoir of Treating H Well....is what will give you results.

When it's time for a departure, you anticipate H wanting to argue, you keep it light and fun. You already have learned his behavior so you use that to your advantage. Heck bake some cookies and have a bag all prepared so when H is ready to leave say "Hey take these with you, if they stay here, I will eat them and if I eat them I will be wearing them" Just an idea here. If you send him away with a warm fuzzy, how can he start an arguement. Now if he refuses the bag of cookies for instance you simply say "OK, I really won't have much problem eating them myself" It might hurt your feelings but you won't show it.

You cannot let your guard down.

You have to look positive and upbeat and act it out all at the same time until this is who you are.

OH, one last thing, got to run....DO NOT threaten H with a leave for the UK and a D. EVER!!!!

You don't want it!!! Don't initiate it!!!

If H wants it, let him do all the work!!!

Even if they file, it doesn't mean it goes through.....look at my signature.

((((Nell))))

Make today count, get busy girlfriend....you have a lot to do...

Sanderika

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks Oz - I hope that dinner was not too arduous - even with the best of intent, sometimes your friends get it wrong and you end up being upset. I hope that wasn't the case this evening?

I am getting great advice ... the kindness of strangers, eh? I appreciate everything - like you, I am still learning and don't have advice to offer to anyone else but I don't think that matters. All that's good is that some likeminded people are there to listen to you pour out your heart and they are still there at the end of the day! Bless you for thinking about me during your evening (((you))).

I am so hoping that the house will be yours. I shall put out my thoughts to the Universe, she is generally kind and sees what is going on in our humble lives ... you will be alright, I feel it.

I think that you are so right about keeping this site a secret. I was chuckling to myself just now as I hung out the laundry ... wondered if H had found this site before me, registered and is answering some of my posts under a peudo-name! How freaky would that be .. ?? The stuff of Hollywood thrillers ...

Ah well, I hope that your D enjoyed the movies .. I'm going to get off and watch my UKTV Soaps - my forty minute indulgence of the night time before I get both cats up on the bed with me and we three go to sleep, dreaming that Daddy will come home soon. Well, you have to believe, don't you??!! Night night - let's hope for a better day tomorrow. Fingers crossed for good news for you.

[Sanderika]

Another thing....

Yes, H starts a fight with you because it makes it easier for him to leave. He doesn't realize this is his pattern. You do therefore you can break the pattern. Get clever.

When he leaves let him lock you in...it's his way of making you safe. If you lock him out in the dark before he can blink, think about how he felt. My guess is a bit hurt and sad. I would wait til his car was driving off before I shut the lights out and locked the door. Anything less looks uninviting. You want to portray inviting right now.

One more....

Yes, they come and go as they please...if they say a few minutes it will be an hour and a half. You get the idea. This is not really much to have concern over unless they say they will be by and blow you off completely and don't show at all. Just let it go....when he arrives at however late, let it go....this isn't a battle you will want to start. They have no concept of time right now for the most part, except for work. It's selfish, I know, it's something that changes with time. Remember the MLC is all about them.

OH, and a MLC H will say one thing right now and not remember what he said 10 minutes from now. I have experienced this and still do. Don't let it bother you and let it go....It's part of the crisis.

Learn to Live and Let Go, Nell....you will be better off in the long run, trust me. You cannot possible let everything he does/does not do get to you. Right now he doesn't know what he wants or what he is doing. All you can do is be there when he seeks you out. Stay back in the meantime, love him from afar. He knows what you want. Let him live his choices. He is the only one who can bring himself through this journey. If you are a constant and safe haven from his storm...The Lighthouse, H will see it and know it. H will take time to realize it, eventually he will though. It's up to you right now how you want to be and treat H.

GOT TO GO>>>>>>>

Sanderika

[Eskimo Nell]

(((Sanderika))) I'm quite excited now. Far be it from me going to bed sad tonight, yet again I have been lifted by my DB'ing buddies. Thank you.

I made bread for H a few weeks ago and he told me what I should do with it! I tried again last Friday and he took it that time, so I hear your message about the cookies. I shall get to baking at the weekend ... custard slices or applie pie -that should do the trick!! I like the way to go ... and yes, I shall certainly tackle the tasks that we spoke of with more vigour now that I can see where it can lead.


One question though - it seems that as H is possibly not acting as most do in MLC, could I have really got it wrong that he is not suffering such and, if that is the case, perhaps I should believe him that he is just over our M and his feelings really are as dead as he says they are??

I feel encouraged that he promised to get the house valued this weekend and he has evidently not made any such plans. I feel encouaraged by the fact that your D has been averted, though the law in Australia is different to the rest of the world. I have only ever threatened him with me D him when I have been really angry and can't cope with this anymore - it feels that to just do it and get it over with would be far easier in the long run than all this constant torture. It would make me far sadder though - once that day comes, I know that I will have lost him forever.

OK - gotta go. I have some serious work to be getting on with!! Will check in tomorrow .. hope work goes well for you!

[Eskimo Nell]

Oh, I like that advice ... the new me - the Lighthouse! I hear you on the door locking thing ... I must try that one in the week. Thanks a million ... so good to have you all out there ... keep checking in ... I am the lighthouse and I WILL bring my man back to a safe haven - even though he is a long ways out at sea right now!!

(((hugs)))

[JCJ]

Nell, I am away for the weekend in Bournemouth at a friends - should be good! I will write again on Monday and respond. You are on the right tracks.

Hope the cleaning goes ok! Having the house nice always makes me feel better. Cook with no expectations

[SDFoundGirl]

Start making weekend plans. Make a list of everything you're going to do. Chores, books to read, errands, etc. You must keep busy.

I know DB feels strange, but it's the best thing. The WAS doesn't want to be pursued, they want space. They EXPECT you to pursue and confirm all the reasons why they left in the first place. So, when we act differently from what they expect, it makes them think. They make contact, and they are floored that we're okay...taking care of the home and our lives, going out and doing things...it's not what they expected, and it makes them curious.

Beyond that, though, is YOU. The way you're living isn't healthy for you, and from what you've posted on here I hear an H who wants a strong, independent, happy wife. You've depended on him for everything because of your fears and your situtation, and that's a giant burden.

I know...I was that person to my H.

Are you ready to do some hard work that will leave you better off NO MATTER what happens with your H? As a result of the bomb, I went from having severe social anxiety, daily anxiety and weekly panic attacks, being heavily medicated for the disorder, fearing EVERYTHING, and believing I had to value TO someone who enjoys meeting people, no longer has panic attacks, is completely unmedicated, and knows her value. I love my H, but I also know I'll be fine if he ever leaves.

Set a timer if you need to cry...no more than 10-minutes. Make your list, and start working through it. What's something new you always wanted to try but didn't? Meetup groups are AWESOME. Yes, it scared the snot out of me, but I went and just Acted As If.

So...post your list here. What are you planning for your weekend?

SD

[Eskimo Nell]

Bournemouth - fab ... get some sea breeze! Have fun with your friends and enjoy :o)

The house has been pretty much spotless since H left .. lots of time to clean and get out the frustrations! It's the outside of the home that needs attention ... all the jobs that he used to do have been kind of neglected. That's where my focus will be for the coming few days.

Talk to you on Monday!

[Eskimo Nell]

Hi SDFG
Yeah .. I'm on it. Library this morning and then weeding; spider-web knocking party for one; window cleaning and then some baking ... of course, followed up by reading DB (if the library has it) a few more chapters to re-read of DR and finally the new one today Men are from Mars etc. Oh, I have to do some more knitting too!

I agree that DB'ing feels strange. I understand and then don't. I do get that WAH does not want to be pursued but then he acts like I have ignored him when I don't contact him. It makes me feel like I am losing control when I don't have that contact. I also feel that it is giving him time to concentrate on OW - thoughts when she is not around and then actions when she is. It makes me feel sick with rage and envy. He's not supposed to be with that tramp - he's supposed to be here with me in OUR home.

This is the bit that I don't get: I am a strong and independent woman ... it's just now that he's left I have gone to pieces. I have always 'worn the trousers' in our M and he's been the one standing behind me a lot of the time. If there have been battles to fight, I have fought them; if there is action to take, I have mostly initiated it; when trouble is afoot, I have been the first one to fight the fire. He's quite passive in many ways (he says that he has now changed and I see that he has), whilst he has always accused me of being domineering and too forthright. I have come from a bad upbringing and I had to stand on my own two feet so I know in my heart that I can do it. It's just that after all these years with H, I don't want to. We have had such a wonderful M and he has looked after me and made me feel safe ... a lot of the anger I had disappeared with him and was replaced by the safety net which I so badly needed - now he has pulled that away and I am alone again with all those feelings as before.

The weirdest thing is that I used to have nightmares about where I had 'come from' and he knew that it haunted me. He was so reassuring and always said that I would never be back in that situation. The nightmares left me about 18 months ago but now look at what's happened ... I'm going to be back there, if he gets his way and continues toward the D next year.

I guess that I am already facing the hard work - for me. I have started my counselling - for me, not for our M. That has to be a positive, right? I just wish that I could cry ... it would let out some of this pent up emotion and maybe I would feel a little better. I am running on empty but am fuelled by negativity right now.

As before, I would love to do lots of the things that others find for themselves when their WAS leaves. Unfortunately, even going for coffee is a treat at the moment - I have to watch everything that I am spending now that the small nest-egg I had tucked away has been discovered by H and he is holding a financial gun to my head.