UPSIDE DOWN and struggling badly.

[Eskimo Nell]

Oops - JCJ - I obviously posted my last without checking for a response!! Just as well that I didn't send anything to H!!

OK - I shall do as you say and see what happens ... that kind of feels better. Thank you (((JCJ)))

You are right about OW - he has let me think in the past that he was going away when there was no such plan. I think that he is playing mind games ... but there again he tells me that he won't tell me things that he knows upset me.

Yes, of course I want him to come around and see me so yes, you are right ... let me be positive in thanking him and saying See you next week ... let him wonder where my negativity has gone!!

[JCJ]

No, that is pursuing and emotional - they hate that. Keep it to a really simple answer. Let him come over next week. You can always be busy or going out or something and control the timings yourself. However post here first!

You can control you. You know he is only going to be there for a few hours. Work on accepting that and making the most of those few hours to be your super divorce buster self.

[Eskimo Nell]

Thank you, givingitmyall.

You are right - I have so long thought for my H that I am now trying to second guess him even though he is not here. He has always said that I am too dominant but I think that he's always been too passive ... perhaps a mix of us both somewhere in the middle would have been ideal.

The advice here is brilliant .. and almost instantaneous - I'm so impressed to have found this but three months too far down the line - I could have used this all to my better advantage before H became WAH ... and I retreated back to the UK for a month, leaving him to his own devices - and our possible further downfall.

Sadly, I don't believe in myself right now, but I am getting counselling - 2nd session on Monday.

I agree that if our S does not see us as the best thing for them, then that's their loss but meanwhile, I have listened to him tell me that he is in love with OW and he feels that he can have a happy life there and it's all that occupies my mind, now that I have convinced myself that that's what his weekend to come is all about.

You are right - I can't control him or what it is that he is doing but I can get my dignity back and start to show him the woman that he fell in love with all those years back. If he doesn't see it then, I haven't really lost anything other than someone who does not - and never has - deserved me.

[Eskimo Nell]

I have done as you suggested - text simply said exactly as you did "OK, see you next week" - nothing else and I feel good about that (((JCJ)))

H normally says that he will be around by 6pm but there's an excuse that always delays him until 7pm - he then leaves around 9.30-10.00pm but ALWAYS creates an argument before he goes. It's like he can't walk out the door on a good note ... maybe that's just him dealing with his guilt. When he did it on Friday, it was like both of us were time warped ... neither of us knew what had happened (I text him the following day to ask him and he said that he didn't know any more than I did!) and yet he was outside the door with his key in his hand telling me to shut the door - he evidently was waiting to lock it.

I didn't give him the chance to do so but shut the door and locked it immediately, shutting the lights out too so that he would have had to find his way to the car in the dark! I know that probably was a big and negative reaction but I just did what he asked!

I would really like it this week if he went back to giving me a hug before he left. How can I procure this??

[JCJ]

Ok, excellent. A goal! I love goals!

I would say a big hug may be a little big to expect for next week but there will be baby steps working up to it.

Receiving a hug from him means what to you? A hug from him shows me that h (insert what that means to you here)

Think, are there other things that he does that also gives you the feelings that a hug evokes? He may still be doing some of them without you realising. Have you read the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman?

Then we can work on some achievable mini goals to lead up to your big hug.

The second part is - when h comes round is there usually a pattern to the interaction?

Does he really 'just start a fight' at the end? It may be his way of coping so it is easier for him to leave (never say that to him!!!). Or, do you do anything clingy that draws him to initiate those actions.

With regards to him arriving at 7 instead of 6 I found with my h it was a way of him trying to take power. I just let him have it by stepping back and making it no issue, letting it run off my back and not reacting. After a couple of interactions it was no issue.

I would say the big thing is that you react to him (by shutting down the lights and the door). I think a 180 would be to stop emotionally reacting.

[dolphin_05]

You can't get that hug Nell. He has to initiate it.

Be a positive and friendly host and try to let him lead the visit. Just hang on to a few phrases ready for the departing argument. If you can keep it neutral then you'll save feeling so devastated afterwards. H and I used to always have departing arguments and I think it was because I had too many expectations and of course H was never going to be able to live up to my expectations.

Cas

[JCJ]

Oops - JCJ - I obviously posted my last without checking for a response!! Just as well that I didn't send anything to H!!

OK - I shall do as you say and see what happens ... that kind of feels better. Thank you (((JCJ)))

You are right about OW - he has let me think in the past that he was going away when there was no such plan. I think that he is playing mind games ... but there again he tells me that he won't tell me things that he knows upset me.

Yes, of course I want him to come around and see me so yes, you are right ... let me be positive in thanking him and saying See you next week ... let him wonder where my negativity has gone!!

Opps, I missed your post here! Yes, make him wonder, the more he wonders then more he'll think. Good yeah?

[dolphin_05]

I agree with JCJ-my H was always late in the beginning and that was out of character for him. It was his way of controlling the shots. He's usually pretty punctual now.

[girlfromoz]

Hi Eskimo

Thought I would drop in between dinner and picking up D from the movies.

You are getting good advice from everyone here, I don't have much to give but support at present as I am still learning and finding my way. But the one thing I have learn't is what the others have said is don't react and stop trying to read his mind. I have accepted this advice as absolute no. 1 rules.

You will never know what is going on his mind and only once you stop trying to read it will you find some peace. I have only just arrived at that place, not to say it has been easy and every so often I find myself wondering then I have to pull myself up.

Not sure if I have the house yet or not, the agent has approved me it is now up to the owner of the property to say if they agree or not. Either way, I still have to find somewhere to live by next Friday for D, the pets and I, the pressure is on but I will get there.

I was thinking of you when I was having dinner and everyone else here, none of my friends know about this site, it is my secret - that is another important rule, do not tell anyone about this site or the DBing, it is for you and for you alone. I was thinking though that my friends whilst trying to give advice don't really understand as they are not in this situation and don't know the feeling, it is only here that we can fully get understanding and support from like minded people.

For sure I am here with you as is everyone else on this long slow journey we are now in.

Will check in again, just going to get D now.

Oz

[Eskimo Nell]

JCJ - a hug would mean that he still wants to be 'close' to me. He was offering hugs up until a few weeks ago but would always ask 'do you want a hug', expecting me to go to him, rather than him initiate the hug. When I got one, it felt weak and when I commented, he merely said "well, my loyalties are somewhere else now", so I stopped going to him. Since then, no hugs. If he were to come and hug me, it would be such a 'baby step' in the right direction. I just want to know that his enchantment with OW is waning ... but I know him and I know that he will do his utmost now to make that R work, in spite of me.

I can't think of anything else that he does at the moment to evoke the same feeling but I do know that he has a lot of love for me still ... it's just the ILYBNILWY scenario. He has not stopped caring, even in his nasty moments, of that I feel confident.

I have not read 5 Love Languages but will look it up at the library tomorrow. Thanks!

Will happily accept any help in preparing for next week! No usual routine to his interaction - well, maybe. He normally sorts out any practicalities, plays with the cats for a bit and then sits down to a cup of tea with me and turns up the heat for me to pay bills/mortgage/agree to marketing the house. Maybe some chat, if the mood is OK but generally it hasn't been until last Friday. He has asked if I plan to co-operate in selling the house but I felt forced to say yes, even though I absolutely will not sell yet. My fear is that he will take away his financial support and then I will be forced out. He's not stupid and knows exactly how I would react - we know each other far too well ... even to the point of being able to finish one another's sentences and buying each other the same greetings cards, when life was good!

Does he really 'just start a fight' at the end? It may be his way of coping so it is easier for him to leave (never say that to him!!!). Or, do you do anything clingy that draws him to initiate those actions. (Don't know how to do the quote thing)! Yes, he does just start a fight out of nowhere! It amazed us both last week but not in previous weeks. I have said that to him before but that was in my naiive days .. I'm starting to cotton on now, even though I'm still not very good at it. I fear that I have always been clingy but he has seen the opposite side of me too ... I just wish that I could find a consistent middle ground of ambivalence ...

I did not react last week - he was kind enough to text and let me know that he was running late and I replied, saying that was fine and thanked him for letting me know, so something had started sinking in about DB'ing! It does feel good when you get it right, perhaps that should be my yardstick to measure against. You are right though - I have to stop reacting emotionally.

Thanks again for your great advice - it's so good to know that you are not alone. I only went out to hang out some laundry and when I got back, the advice was here! How can we be alone when the service is this good??!!!