Once again, I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts. I found it interesting to hear that you found yourself in a similar situation with your H. These outbursts have reduced in nature and frequency but I do always find it difficult to walk away. I need to remember that this is his power mechanism as is the 'no speaking process'. On reflection I think he reverts to this when he is confronted with truth that he can't deny and he uses it to reassert his power. I guess I have to learn not to strip him of his power in the first place. I had been doing well but think the surgery has been draining both physically and emotionally. I am quite resilient and I think this has really surprised me particularly as the reasons for having surgery were so positive and such a move forward for me.
You are right about email (and texts too)...I think both can be unintentionally hurtful.
I have been speaking to H as a best friend but I didn't keep my cool when he lost it and there was a back slide that I now need to work on recovering. I have apologised for my part and I have expressed my intention to reflect and improve on this. H is still cool towards me but the damage is not beyond repair as he is at least in contact. We have certainly recovered from worse set backs.
While I recognise what you say about dealing with this next time, when H has such an outburst there really is no opportunity to address the problem. He suddenly blows a fuse, refusing to listen to anything I say, hangs up or drives off and refuses to answer his phone. That is why I was wanting to address it now before there is a next time.
H is moving to his new place Saturday. The kids and his parents will help him move. I am thinking of staying out of the way but wondered about providing a cake/sandwiches for them. This could be perceived as pursuing or just a friendly gesture for the family. What do you think?
Interestingly H has made no suggestion as yet to MIL and FIL about seeing ow. I wonder if she even knows they are here.
Will addressing his probelm help him deal with it better the next time he loses his temper? I doubt it, if he's angry he's not going to remember any coversation that you have with him about not losing it is he. I think the best thing to do is if/when it happens again get in first with putting the phone down or walking away - but say that you will resume the conversation once he's calmed down as you can't discuss whatever the issue is whilst he's angry. You must remain calm though.
Is he moving into the new place on his own or with OW? This is a difficult one to answer as we're guessing his reaction, it could be seen as friendly or it could be seen as you 'muscling' in on something that's nothing to do with you. If relations between you aren't too bad at the moment why not send a text in advance offering to provide sandwiches?
You could say: I know that you'll be busy on sat would it help if I give the kids some sandwiches for you all to share for lunch? This may be too mothering though - not sure.
H has purchased this new place. It's just a few minutes drive away in the same suburb. It's his place and ow is not moving in. Actually, ow wasn't even present when he inspected it prior to purchase. The kids went with him on most property inspections.
I have given H and D slices of home made cake before for their trips to the football and he has seemed pleased. D said he 'fought' her for the bigger piece! I am inclined to think that this is something I could do based on past experience and the fact that there will be a crew with him. I'll be interested to see what the other feedback is. It's funny how little I do without considering it from every possible angle!
My H, or my kid, has never refused my food. It didn't matter how mad he was at me. In return I always knew he was pleased and very appreciative that I thought enough to supply it. It's also great that your kids and in-laws will be able to enjoy your cooking right along side of H.
They will be so busy and it will be available as each one of them is ready to eat. H moving, he will have everything all boxed up and take out is so expensive, especially for a crowd. Lots of good reasons to do it.
So not to seem too pushy or controlling or pursueing for that matter, pass it on to them all through one of the kids. Make sure the kid knows your thoughts and ideas behind the gesture.
I wouldn't email the plan to H, I would let the kid you want to carry it all know as soon as possible. Simply make sure all is ready first thing in the morning and then stay in the background. You can smile all day knowing you are doing something thoughtful, loving and kind.
OH Yeah.....I would make sandwiches and cake!!!!! I would make sure the favorites were chosen and I would make plenty for seconds.
It's so funny you mentioned H and D fought over a piece of cake. Last fall my son and H fought over a piece of apple pie and to hear them re-tell the story I thought I was going pee my pants we were all laughing so hard.
You have a very good idea for warming up the atmosphere in your sitch. There can only be positives that come from it.
I hear you Cas, it's hard not to think about every angle when it's time for a decision to be made. A lot of it is gut instinct. I think your gut instinct told you this idea was a winner. Now you have received validation from three friends.
Make sure you let us know how it goes. Don't be disappointed if the thank-you from H isn't right away. He will be thankful, trust me.
Let us know what you made....I love food!!!!
Have fun with this one Cas,
(((((Hugs)))))
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Ok I was planning on giving it to the kids to take which is what I did with the cake for the football. Like your sitch, the fight over the cake caused lots of laughter and the shared story after was pretty funny from both of them.
Couple of thoughts; I won't email the idea because I know he will say no thanks, you've got enough to do. I won't have any expectations of thanks because I won't get any, especially sending it via the kids.
A positive. When it's our kid's birthdays we have had a family dinner with just the 4 of us. We had to cancel D's as both she and S were sick. I emailed H and asked if he was interested in rescheduling and suggested we could perhaps go with his parents while they are here but if not that was fine, too. He emailed back about an hour later to say it was a good idea.
As I've mentioned guys, ow is sick at present. One of my friends suggested I contact her and say, " Don't worry ow I'll take care of H while you're sick in just the same way you cared for H when I was ill." Then we both roared laughing knowing I would never contact her in a million years!
