Last night, I wrote a long letter to A, as if I was going to send it to him. Because it is coming up to three years since he left, the letter was about what happened in my life due to his actions.
(within a 6 months period) 1.) A got a new job. (1st transition) 2.) We sold our condo. 3.) packed our house up into boxes. (three years of our life in boxes or given away) 4.) research towns to live in 5.) I looked for new job where I could advance my goals and also be around more people. 6.) moved to my parents house where I felt like an infint again. 7.) got a new job 8.) A left 9.) people I thought were friends scattered (except one, M) 10.)M couldn't be trusted. She was happy when A was back in her life.
So, where are we now and what are we going to do with our future? I watch other d couples stay good friends with their Xs. I'm not sure what we are? He says we are friends. I don't feel it or see it. It is only when he decides.
I feel that I am at a stagnant place where I really haven't tried everything due to fear, but I have done what I was comfortable doing. I am not sure what steps to take at this point. I am trying to think of new ideas.
I am afraid, sad, lonely, and angry. I cannot be my mother's little girl forever. It is good for her, but it does not feel good to me.
How many times do I swallow my disappointment and feelings of anger that are caused by A? How many times do I ignor his hurtful behavior?
I watch other D couples and they continue with their lives, but they respect and enjoy their Xs company. Why aren't they married still? I don't know.
I am not sure that I played the dbing game the right way. I go back to the old thinking too quickly. I would like to know what the success ratio is for the dber's. I don't know why God chose me to have this experience. At first, I felt that I was so blessed to be with him. Now, I can't understand why I deserve this pain. One year...nothing. Two years...a crumbs worth of hope. Three years...back sliding to year one.
Laurie: I often wish I can take a drug that would help me blackout anything concerning A.
I am not sure that I have done everything that I could possibly do. Then again, I am so disappointed because I really thought that this time A was coming around. Instead, I was dooped once again. I fell into the believing trap.
I truly believed that this time he was going to include and welcome me into his life. Instead, I felt shoved away at all angles. I know that I scare him away with my excitement. (I'm too much too fast...I pounce because I am so eager.) Resulting in his runnning away.
What steps am i to take now? I really don't want to hear about working on myself. That is a give. I feel very lost.
I feel as though I am the person people use to promote their own personal needs. I am just nice.
Do I look like a doormat? I feel like one. Just when I think that things will be changing...it doesn't.
I am tired of being put in the position where I spend many mornings and evenings praying to God. I am tired of having momentary, cookie crumb, achievements. I am tired of feeling like I might be getting somewhere just to slide back to the bottom of the mountain. I am tired of feeling that I might just make it over the mountain top or I know that I can make around this corner. Then, my next card says to go back to the very beginning. I hate it here in this place. I want to move from this place.
1.) work is fine 2.) homelife is sad 3.) been sad, angry, resentful 4.) broke down and text 'hi'... a.) otherwise, my other words would have been angry or just emotional 5.) I wonder where he disappears to. Why do I care? 6.) Is there hope for us?
1.) sent text to A...'Hi' a.) I turned off my phone because I didn't want to anticipate.
2.) felt lonely last night when I went to bed. I was even missing my friends. frustrated that I don't really have a close one. others were working or off with significant others.
3.) felt good that I could help my friend, C, today because she was going through a breakup...she is sad. I can relate.
4.) went to lunch and turned on phone...got text from A!!!
A's text to me...'Hi'
a.) I smiled and felt relieved, but I still have a sense of frustration due to lack of movement or regression in our R. I need concrete dbing solutions.
1.) Emotions are stable. 2.) I like to have plans with friends. a.) went to dinner with friend last night (pizza and soda) b.) good to cultivate friendship, bad for waistline.
3.) somehow feel good about A's simple return text 'hi'. a.) his response, even though simple, was positive and cute.
4.) believing in myself the good things that people have been telling me. I like to feel it.
Hi L: Last night, my good friend, V, reminded me that 'everybody is trying to tell me that A doesn't care for me, when am I going to realize that and stop ignoring "everyone"?'.
He also reminded me that A said 'never again', but it seems ok for V to say 'never again' and then say 'I'm going to try again'.
How about that for support? I miss A and I'm discouraged and frustrated that I'm still not sure how to proceed. It seems that I don't really have anything concrete that works with any consistency. Please advise.
Dear JJ, How was your weekend and how are you today? Hugs and more hugs, Laurie
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Hi L! I am doing a lot better than the last time I posted. I had a 'b' party for my friend, C, and on Sunday, I went to another b-party for another friend. I had a lot of fun.
I am a little scared because I have been able to separate my thots and actions away from A. This is the first time that time has past and I'm not counting the days when I last had a connection with him.
I feel almost guilty because I haven't been thinking so much of him lately. This is the first time that I've been involved in my life and happier.
Maybe that is how he has been. I don't want to give up hope, but I've been feeling that my life and thoughts are separate from him. I feel that this is the first time t hat I'm giving myself a chance. Big hug!
