My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[Silent Chrleader]

.... such a sensitive guy. oh well, it was just his wife, it was just his son--not his soulmate and her horse.

Hey, I have an idea! You can send him a condolence card......along with the business card of a taxidermist!!!! Remember, Roy Rogers had Trigger stuffed!!!

[hoosiermama]

lol!! not a bad idea. I guess this just shows I'm not as far along in the grief process as I thought I was, if this triggers painful memories of 12 years ago! held together with duct tape, indeed.

[hoosiermama]

..... I just don't always trust my feelings these days.

You and me both!! Did you see my update over on my thread from today?

I feel so out of my element in so many ways these days......

not yet, but I'll check it out.

it's difficult when during years of therapy, we learn to feel, identify, and trust our feelings. and then, sometimes when we do, someone takes advantage of that or manipulates our feelings. the natural thing is to shut down again; trying not to do that.

[hoosiermama]

This is really hard. D13 just called me at work, told me her dad was on the way to pick her up. Several hours early. When I asked why so early, she told me that OW and family were going to the State Fair, so they were going to take her along.

I'm happy that she gets to go; I wasn't able to afford to take us, even with free tickets. Things are very tight financially with school starting. But--I HATE that she's going with these people!! I hate that they get to have a good time with her when I can't afford to do much besides provide the basics. This whole thing is just so unfair and there's not a thing I can do about it. She has my husband--why does she want my daughter too?

[dday101798]

breathe and relax, I know exactly where you're coming from, but if you don't let it go it will tear away at your sanity.

Even without finances, there are plenty of things to do that can make a lasting impression on your child. Simple things too, it took me a while too, but you just need to think outside the box.

[K4D]

Be strong. Remember that your daughter is not going to judge you by how much money she has. You offer pure genuine love and she knows that and it will be a much bigger bond as she grows.

Don't let her see your disapointment. Be happy for her when she returns home. Show her your love for her.

It isn't fair. I agree. None of this is fair to any of us. But these are the current circumstances we live in right now. My W has a lot more money to spend than I do to. She dates guys who make what she makes. If she were to M one of them, I'd have to watch the same thing you are.

Remember that money can't buy love. Your daughter will know who loves her the most. And regardless of what people want to believe, I don't buy into this theory that both parents love their kids equally. If that were the case, they would not be putting their kids through this. They love themselves more than they love their kids. But it is not for us to judge. It is for us to show our kids unconditional love.

And you provide something OW will never be able to provide or buy. You are your daughters REAL mother and have been there for her since day 1 and always will be. OW can never be what you are.

Take heart in knowing that. In the mean time, is there something you can do around your house to help take your mind off things? Maybe watch a good TV show or movie, read a book, work on a hobbie, cook some comfort food?

Kevin

[hoosiermama]

thanks, guys. fortunately I'll have some time to pull it together again--I won't see her now until after school on Friday. and tonite I work my 2nd job at the clinic until 8 pm, so it will take my mind off this.

[dday101798]

Nicely put Kevin, and holy snap, you're timeline dates are almost exactly the same as mine!

[hoosiermama]

I need to vent here because I'm having a rough night and I just need to get it out of my head.

after 19 months, I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of lousy surprises and having absolutely no control over my life. I'm tired of losing people for no good reason. I'm tired of being isolated. I'm tired of being perpetually broke in spite of working my fanny off. please indulge me this brief pity party. I promise it's temporary.

worked my 2nd job this evening. got home and eventually got online, and my friend popped up to IM. which was just what I needed. however, he had 5 minutes to chat before...going to the grocery store. geez. ummm, abandonment issues here, friend. no further donations needed.

words of wisdom, anyone?

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, ((((((Hoozh)))))).

I don't know about words of "wisdom", but I can tell you what I learned that worked for me and how I learned it.......

Everybody says that the MLC'er has to "hit bottom" before they begin the journey back "home" (although "home" may not include reconciling the marriage)..... Well, I have wondered if perhaps we, the LBS, have to likewise "hit bottom" before we are able to potentially turn a corner and really begin to do the real growth we need to do.

For example, in my own case, the major turning point for me was the night my kids (both "adults" but living with me at the time) basically "ganged up" on me because they did not agree that this was still my house and this was not a democracy just because they past a date on the calendar (i.e. over 18). They weren't paying rent or anything but wanted me to "respect them as adults" and felt they should have "an equal say" in certain things......this was all predicated on the fact that my S18 had once again taken my car without permission and I was out looking for him at 2am on a work night, so I had told him if he couldn't abide my rules, there was the door....

So, anyway, I put my foot down, they banded together, and left......and I was alone......and even my Mother, who is an "enabler" to the core, couldn't believe I was so "mean" as to "kick them out".

Well, I had lived for my family my whole life. I never wanted to be a career woman. My H, my kids......my mother had lived with us for 4 years after split from my dad..... my brother had lived with us...... my family always called me the caregiver.

But that night, I felt total abandoned. No Hope. I found out what it was to be "in crisis". I did what they always tell you to do and called my C and then called a friend (somebody off these boards actually). And I got through it, and the next day I was different. Since that night, I have steadily been getting better and better. That night I realized that my life was mine and though I love my kids, and my family and others......they don't define me and only by taking care of myself can I be a truly healthy person, and perhaps have a healthy relationship one day.

Hoozh, I think that you and many of us on these boards are the caregivers of the world, and that is a wonderful thing. Most of us have known great pain in our lives, so our pain tolerance is high, thus maybe it takes us longer to "hit bottom" than others. Does that make sense? My C even said that the body can only take so much and then it either breaks or you turn a corner.

Anyway, I'm sorry for being long winded, but that is what I have thought about several times recently. I think that each of us is just different and we get there when we get there. So long as you want to get there, and don't give up, you will eventually be successful. That's been a really tough one for me, because I swear I am the most impatient person ever born!

Hoozh, just try to remember to be kind to yourself. You are your own best friend! And I'll go out on a limb here, and say that even putting your daughter before you is potential hazard. Don't get me wrong..... of course children's needs come first absolutely.....but it's not healthy for children to be the center of the household. The best gift a parent can give a child is a good strong base to grown from. Model for your daughter how you would like to see her behave. Teach her how to take care of herself by taking care of yourself!

Anyway, take care and know you are in my thoughts.....