Long Journey .......... advice please

[Sanderika]

Hello Cas,

How were you rude to him?

It's funny this is your post topic today. My girlfriend and I talked on the phone past midnight last night about lots of things and letting go and setting up major boundaries and actual demands on how it now has to be was a big part of our chat.

I need to think about this a bit, my initial thought is DO NOT tell him you are detaching and letting go completely. If this is what you want to do and feel the will to do and believe in your heart and soul you can do, then begin. Do it quietly without the announcement and fanfare.

My first reason not to tell him is simple. If you are not able to accomplish your goal and detach completely any slide back towards the way things are now makes you look weak. It will therefore only validate any thoughts H has that you are still available for whatever he wants to dish out to you, and that you will take it, whenever it suits him. You know the "door mat" and "cake eating" theories. These would come into play at this point. This only serves to give H the edge.

By going dark and detaching completely, you want H to wonder what is going on with Cas. Here is a great chance for you. You have had the surgery and things for you can/will be better. Let H think you are having a new outlook. Work on it all from the place he will notice. By telling him, you are removing the mystery. Mystery is a very good thing to give a MLC H. Think about the past, they don't let us get too far away without the "you can count on it" call or visit where they ask "What have you been doing?" or "So...what are you doing, what's been going on?"

Prior to our latest court date, in my recent mid-night conversation with my H I came right out and told him the "third party" in our marriage HAD TO GO if we were to continue to work on reconciliing. I further told him that I was sick and tired of only getting the tidbits and that I deserved better in my life. I said that I deserved to have someone in my life who wanted to be with me 100% and that I would be better off alone than the way things have been for me over the past four years. I was careful to also tell him that my reasons for thinking this way had nothing to do with my feelings of love for him, I told him I love him with all my heart. It was now all about respect for myself at this point, I was tired of living with disrespect.

He completely agreed with me and understood my point of view and said that he was working on getting the OW out and that he still wanted to work on the marriage.

I feel exactly like you do. I am also very close to the end of my rope with this sitch. I learned a very long time ago to maintain the detachment thing. I don't really recall how I managed. I just made a promise to myself that I would go dark and detach. Each day got a little easier and now it is my way of life towards the sitch. I did not set boundaries. Others here disagree with that method and believe setting boundaries is a must. When I look back I realize that it was the right choice. My H and I would not be friends if I had chosen that method.

I agree how hard this is to sit back and live in his world and he doesn't live in yours. You see we have created a new friendship and it is still more on "his" terms than "ours". I say it that way because to me a friendship is a mutual decision, a friendship is not meant to be one-sided. If we have created a friendship, it would be right that I could also call him to chat a hello, right????? NOPE, not yet.

Since our 7/24 D postponement, I sent H a warm, fuzzy "Happy Birthday" text, no thank you or reply whatsoever from H. I called H to say hello on 8/4 and he answered and was/appeared happy to hear from me. H called me on 8/5 to say hello and we met up for an hour and a half to talk some more, the conversation was all about him, literally. When we parted company it did not feel good for me. I thought the visit went very well and at the same time it was awkward. I called H on 8/11 and left him a hello on cell voice mail. H has never called me back. THIS IS A BACKSLIDE ON H PART FOR SURE. H appears to have retreated right back into the cave.

My friend and I have decided, this is not good, that H got what he wanted in the postponement and is now going to ride it out doing as he pleases until that time comes around again for another postponement - December 4th. These are bad thoughts for me. They are causing me a great deal of turmoil. Almost to the point I could be sick. I did not postpone to live more of the same, I postponed for a new beginning. I will not live out the next few months like I have lived out the last six. I will not and do not have to live with the OW in my life. I have my chance here to now use this last postponement to my advantage. I am working on my strategy and will very soon get my chance to give my .02 cents to H whether he likes it or not.

Enough IS Enough!!!!! He cannot get away with playing this hand of cards forever. One of us needs to start making a choice and living with it. AND, it's not me.......I almost do not care anymore. Puppy told a poster recently this.....When you get to the point you feel "disgust" with your H/sitch....that is when you are done. I have given that comment a lot of thought. He is right.

Take care Cas, hope you are still feeling physically better every day. I know the emotions are a different story. You have come a long way. You and H are friends and that speaks volumns as well.

Sanderika

[dolphin_05]

H and I had a huge argument which was based on him telling a lie. It ended quite horribly and I am at the stage where I want it all to be over. I love him but by having him in my life I am not moving on.

[Sanderika]

It's really wierd how this process works....

I am no longer desperate to save my marriage. The situation in my world has reached 4 years today that he dropped the bomb.

I just heard thru the grapevine that H was with his OW yesterday and that proves that he is not done with her.

I also love my H. I wonder if I will ever not love him.

It doesn't seem to be about love anymore. It seems more to be about simply what's right and what's wrong.

For me finding the second job to help with me and my son's cost of living has helped me tremendously. I almost feel empowered to really stir things up between me and H once and for all.

I feel the second job was a step in the right direction for moving on. I think I will really like the job. Yes, it has made it harder on me while at the same time it has shown H that I don't need him.

I can't live under this cloud much longer. I am powerless to repair my marriage alone and am down right tired of carrying the burdens and standing.

I do not regret my stand. I simply am starting to realize that H is not doing anuthing except talking. His words are empty. His actions speak loud and clear.

H has not made any valuable, constructive, positive motions towards "us" since the postponement. H has not seen/spoken to his son since 7/25. I am beginning to feel like a fool. For me, if H doesn't want me and the marriage and a family then say so....stop the game and put an end to the deceitful, hurtful, disrespectful actions. I can take it and have been ready for a very long time now.

I am getting my son ready to go to a summer camp for the next week and H doesn't even know about it. He is a very stupid man. His losses are his. I don't even feel sorry for him anymore. Maybe I am coming to the feeling of disgust. This certainly is a disgusting situation. One that in 4 years has not corrected itself, what makes me hang on thinking it ever will.......

Sanderika

[JCJ]

Cas, I am lurking and reading. I kind of feel the same as you, I guess you can take back your life and leave the window open a crack. If that is what you want to do.

This is so hard isn't it? Trying to work out what to do for the best. For you.

I hope you are getting better and better each day.

[dolphin_05]

I told him that I was sick and tired of only getting the tidbits and that I deserved better in my life. I said that I deserved to have someone in my life who wanted to be with me 100% and that I would be better off alone than the way things have been for me over the past four years. I was careful to also tell him that my reasons for thinking this way had nothing to do with my feelings of love for him, I told him I love him with all my heart. It was now all about respect for myself at this point, I was tired of living with disrespect.

Hi Sanderika,

Your words above are almost identical to those I spoke of with H. He said he wants no relationship with me except friendship. I said I respected that but it wasn't a friendship anyway; friendship is reciprocal and not just based on what suits one party. I said I had loads of friends and my friendship with him was the only one that had this underlying tension. I said our 'friendship' couldn't continue this way because it was too stressful for me and my well being. This was spoken calmly but he got angry and hung up on me. He rang me later and told me he didn't want to speak to me ever again about anything except the children and that he would be arranging a divorce today etc etc.

I called him today but he won't pick up so I text to say I would not let a stupid argument get in the way of the great progress we have made in the past two years. I understand he wants to ignore me but I won't be doing that to him. It's his choice only.

So, now my plan is to just get on with life and let him get on with his. He will know that it's only him that is stopping us from communicating. It's up to him now. I am really starting to think about what's best for me and hanging on his every word and action is not what's best for me. I can't deal with seeing him all the time and knowing when he is going off with her.

No doubt I love him and the door will never be completely closed but I think I have to leave it to him now. I realise he has to want this and he doesn't think he does. I believe his actions show something else but he won't ever admit to it.

His ow won't work in the long term. He hardly seems to be there with her now. Our kids won't have anything to do with her and the rest of the family have no care for her either so he is really all alone except for her and her family.

Maybe this will give him some time to think because I have always been there for him. I love him but I think I have to learn to love myself more!

I guess my surgery was a turning point and I have to make it all work in my favour now.

I am going away for a couple of days. H checked with D to find out where I was going. Hmmmm......wouldn't a friend just ask?

I want a long term partner and husband not a friend. I have lots of friends. Friends are not there after work or on Saturday nights or in a cold bed. He seems angry because he can't once again have it all his own way. Maybe this is me taking a stand for once and for all! I need to work on my future plans for my house and my holidays and to stop considering him and his needs.
(((Sanderika)))

Cas

[dolphin_05]

Julia, you are the best! You have such a clear head and you will make the best decision. You are young and beautiful. You don't need to remain committed to H unless that's what you really want. You have to give yourself permission to let go if that's what you want. I do too but like you said, it is so difficult. You are in my thoughts

Cas

[girlfromoz]

Hi Cas

I have just had a chance to go through your thread from the start. I so wanted to cry you have gone through so much for so many years.

I hope you enjoy your couple of days away.

(((Cas)))
Oz

[dolphin_05]

Thanks Oz. I have had some challenges and at present I think I am overwhelmingly tired. It has to be about me now, I think. H refuses to speak to me and I've about had enough and I will set up my boundaries.

Cas

[bonnyh]

Hi Cas

Enjoy your days away, you probably need a break from all the drama your H is causing. Think what you want to do and then do it.

I agree about friendship it's a two way thing, not what we probably have now with our H, which is just about us rolling over and doing what they want. Having said that if you decide you want a friendship at the beginning you may have to be a bit accommodating just so that he learns to trust that by friendship that's what you actually mean rather than it being a plot to get him back.

Yes a friend would just ask, it's not fair to expect the kids to act as go between or to use them a means of finding out about your movements. Consider setting this as a boundary, that if he wants to know something about you he asks directly. this is probably opposite to what Sanderika would do, but it's something to consider. Would this be a 180 for you? You need to decide how important this boundary will be, if you can are happy for him to use the kids in this way then let it go.

One the friendship is re established who knows what the next step will be.

Of course you may decide that you don't want that and want to move towards D. In which case good luck, it may now be time to consult a L and see where you stand financially at least, always best to know the facts about that.

[Sanderika]

(((((Cas)))))

Have a wonderful couple of days away. Take the time just for you. Leave this all right here. You deserve to be free from these burdens. Enjoy the time.....

Your H asked D where you are going because he is not ready to be free of you and the marriage. He has to keep tabs on you all the time. They have an uncontrollable need to know what we are doing. It's the need to make sure we are still here.

Your H asked D because he apparently felt he could not ask you.
He also knows that D would tell you he asked. It's all part of the game in the MLC mind to hang on to control. My guess is he did not ask you to save face. Afterall, he just got done telling you he never wanted to speak to you again unless it involved the kids. This will blow over and he will talk to you again about the kids and every other thing he needs to discuss.

Keep in mind his ego drives his behaviors. His anger towards you is not permanent. He can throw the tantrum because your words were not agreeable to him and his ideals of his life and his wants. You crossed his path with the truth and they do not want to face the truths. They are capable of facing it, they would rather live in denial of it. When a truth is presented and it presents them with loss of control they spiral in anger.
AND, just as quickly as they can get angry they can also turn a switch and be "Mr. Nice Guy".

If H is able to ask the kids questions about you and they give him answers he wants, he doesn't have to ask you. The kids want to be loyal to you both, they want to be on both sides and not takes sides all at the same time. I think at this point in time the only way to prevent H from asking the kids questions about you is to keep "you" from the kids. Don't involve them. If they have information they will feel obligated to share with whomever asks. To ask them to keep quite is asking them to choose a side. That is not fair.

In my case I have not set boundaries with my H. I also do not tell him everything he wants to know. I also have a 13 year old son who lives with me and sees his Dad rarely. My son IS loyal to me through and through. I do not have to worry about it. My son being a boy is great for me. Boys will not talk at all....sure you get answers, one word answers, almost always without details. Girls on the other hand give every detail and more whether you want it or not. For instance my son's two favorite answers are..."I don't know" and "nothing". He has found a way that either answer fits pretty much every question.

I know my son uses these on H. H has been here before when I have left son alone and H will call me and he will ask where I am like this: "Hey me and J want to know where you are?" OR "Helloooo J wants to know what planet your sitting on right now?" Well I never leave my son alone without telling him where I have gone and how he can reach me. I am very proud of him, he keeps his mouth shut and not get involved.

Cas and Bonny, boundaries should only be set if they can be adhered to 100%. We are not perfect and will most likely fail ourselves if we set them too strict. I rather choose to create or present things in ways that show H I am me, Sanderika, and I am independant. I don't really need boundaries if I am aware of my actions and own my choices. I choose to answer the phone or not. I choose to help H with a project or not. I choose to ML to H or not. I choose to share my whereabouts with H or not.

H has learned here that I am me now. He has learned that our lives are separate and there are not expectations on either side. A friendship is something we definitely have recreated.
We have to get to the point where we are comfortable again with having expectations of each other. Afterall, one of the parts to a friendship is expectation.

This is getting too long....I'll let someone else chime in now...

Take care all....

Sanderika