Bonny, you're spot on, I am definitely an over analyser.
I had thought of a dinner here and an invitation to all and then he can make the choice.
As with you, friendly and affirming works for me too but there's always the pull back. A friend of mine who is a counsellor (and who I don't usually discuss this with) said that H would be very aware that he chose to leave and get involved with someone else and to save face he would need to remain in the new relationship for sometime otherwise it's saying to others that he stuffed up again. Makes sense doesn't it? With H it appears to me that he doesn't want me but doesn't not want me either. It could change day to day!
Makes perfect sense actually. A friend of ours left his wife for OW and even though he's no happier had stayed in the 'new' R out of convenience and through not losing face more than love. In the meantime he's W had moved on so there was no going back for him.
I suppose that means we have to continue to be patient, not one of my strong points
I think the H just want the greener grass and can't see that it's not actually any better. Bit sad really, I feel sorry for my H he's missing out on so much and things could be so much simpler, but he seems over complicate everything.
I just followed up on your sitch since you went to surgery.
First, I am very happy for you that it went really well. I am glad you are on the mend and mobile again....
Your H is pulling back for a variety of reasons, one is fear. Fear that things at home are not really changed and as they appear. I feel they fear it is a smoke screen we are using to seduce them into coming back. Once returned things will revert back to the life they didn't like before they walked out.
Your H also feels a need to save face, the others are right, the MLC mind and ego protects their pride at all cost for some reason, this I still do not understand. I want to understand this. I battle this almost daily like you. Mine is doing it right now.
I believe that the mix of fear and pride are so powerful within themselves that they are guarded and cautious and are reluctant to come back because it would show they made a mistake and are weak.
I do believe that these MLC relationships will die a natural death because they are based on lies and deceit. The grass is definitely not greener and they know it. They are dealing with OW who in reality are a very childish, demanding, controlling and insecure people. Our Hs cannot live with that forever. They come from marriages they won't let go of, IMO because it is us and the way we are they want. Women of strength, honor, values, morals, maturity, respect, forgiveness, love and kindness, etc... We need to protect these qualities in ourselves as these are the qualities that our Hs value in wives.
What they do not realize is they will be more likely to be respected by family and friends if they put an end to the affair and return to the families that love them. In my world there is not one person who likes the OW and believes H is happier with her. I know for a fact that they actually all think H is a jerk and more for doing what he is and especially for so long.
I think it was really good that H made the trips to the hospital to see you. I think you are right that H didn't expect you would be at the dinner. I am sure H is more comfortable around just you than he is around you and other people. It is this way here. Of course the kids are excluded from the other people category.
I just wish they would move one way or another and be done with it all. The emotional toll it has taken is vast. I for one will never be the same again with H or without him.
IMO, stay dark on him. Let him sulk away his troubles on his own in his own lonely corner. If he surfaces and wants to see or talk to you be engaging. This really is his problem and his alone. None of this is your fault. H will deal with it faster if left alone to sort it out.
(((((Cas))))) It's great to have you back and wishes to you that your recovery continues well and speedy.
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Sanderika's the nuts isn't she (do you have that phase it means good btw).
MLC relationships will not last as they are formed generally with people who are not emotionally secure. We have to be patient to outlast them if we choose to do so, and that's our choice remember. As standers for the marriage we choose that path - it's a difficult and frustrating one though.
I agree with Sanderika the H don't yet realise that they will gain more respect from returning and sorting out the M than for walking away. It's a stronger man who can admit his mistakes - not sure that my H is up to it just yet.
I hope that you continue to make good progress re the surgery.
I'm on my way to a christening so I will post later when I have had time to reflect. Thanks Sanderika and Bonny. You're the best!
Yesterday H took D to the football and as always, called in here on the way home.............this is an example of something that he doesn't need to do. I leave the lights on out the front, and D has her keys and she is 15 but H always walks in with her and makes a point of talking with me. Sometimes it's 5 minutes, other times it can be up to 30 minutes. It's always quite late but he still comes in. Now, on Tuesdays when he takes them to dinner he drops them back and never comes in. He would probably find that hard to justify to S17 (he doesn't go the football with them)
Still not sure what's happening with ow's health except that she is having some tests.
Guys, I have been struggling for a week now. I know I am not moving on and detaching properly with H in my life at present. I don't think I can do this anymore. I either pressure him too much and make myself unhappy in the process or learn to live with it but I am struggling cos ultimately this is allowing him to have a friendship with me on his terms whenever he wants and be with her whenever he wants. I want more than this. I have been at this for two years and I can't do it much more. I am tired and I am sick of being on my own. I was just rude to him and that's not what I wanted but I also think I have to detach completely and let him go. To do this I think I have to tell him so I have a clean break and I allow myself to get on with life. He knows I love him anyway.
Sorry to hear that you're struggling - we all do. I agree that sometimes it does feel like they have it all their way and that's annoying to say the least. Still if you decide that you still want the M, continue to be patient, knowing that you're doing everything possible to achieve that goal. Short term pain, long term gain (hopefully).
As for detaching - what's helped for me is that I can't imagine ever seeing my H naked again, and as for ML, well at the moment, even the thought of it makes me giggle.
