Positive developments? #2

[jon2911]

Got a text from W last night at midnight "You busy?"

I was having a great time with old college friends and had let my phone die. I'll try her back a little later tonight. Encouraged by the contact, but don't want to read too much into it.

My friends and I reminisced about a party we threw our senior year. We had a popular local band come play an acoustic set in our apartment and had a full espresso bar set up. It was, as we would say back then, "pimp". Had 40-50 people in there and listening outside. Afterwards, we were discussing the ladies who had made an appearance that night, including one named Lauren. One of the guys didn't know who she was, so I described the shirt she was wearing, etc. He said "oh, you mean the most beautiful woman in the room?" "Yes," I said "that's her." And right there I decided to ask her out. Didn't think she'd say yes, but she did, and the rest is history, although somewhat painful now.

I thought about mentioning that story if we talk tonight. Good idea? Bad?

[jon2911]

Last Resort Techique

Here's a quick summary of LRT from DR, for a friend who called me tonight. I feel like I'm here again, so very good for me to remember as well!

1. Stop the Chase
Pursuing behaviors to stop:
- frequent phone calls
- begging your spouse to reconsider
- pointing out all the good in your marriage
- writing letters
- following your mate around the house
- encouraging talk about the future
- soliciting help from family members
- asking for reassurances
- buying gifts/flowers
- trying to schedule dates together
- spying on your spouse

Also, stop saying "I love you". Every time you do, you remind your spouse that the feelings of love aren't reciprocal at the moment

2. Get a Life
You are going through one of the most painful things you will ever experience, but the end result is that you are desperate and unattractive. You are competing with your spouse's fantasy of an ideal life without problems.

- Remember the reasons your spouse fell in love with you in the first place.
- Make immediate changes, become upbeat in your partner's presence, appear pleased with yourself and your own life
- on the phone, sound content, even bubbly
- start a new hobby
- go do things with friends
- keep yourself busy
- start being less predictable

3. Wait and watch
- pull back, wait to see if you spouse notices and realizes what she has been missing

[jon2911]

Just got an e-mail saying "Michelle Weiner-Davis is now following you on Twitter". I've really been enjoying her feed. I don't post marriage stuff on Twitter out of respect for my wife, but responded and thanked MWD for all she does.

http://www.twitter.com/divorcebusting

[Goodfight]

Jon,

I agree with Michelle that is a positive thing. She is doing the contacting. If you get a chance I had my hearing today for child support modification for our D's braces.

[jon2911]

Called W Saturday night, she was busy and asked if I could call later. I'll call her today about some tax stuff, but then it's back to camp for the rest of the week!

[MichelleLT]

Have fun at camp!!!!

[jon2911]

Things are great here. I'm enjoying work and that it's so flexible. I'm working from the metropolis of Ola, TX today, about 2 miles from camp. http://bit.ly/2ivAl

I'm thinking of calling W tomorrow to see if I can visit next week. It's been over a month. Any thoughts on that?

[jon2911]

Long talk with W last night. Helped her shop for a laptop and we caught up for a while.

I asked if I could visit next week, and she said "I think next time I should come there. My family is dropping by a lot unannounced and I don't want it to be weird."

She later explained that SSIL (step-sister-in-law LOL) has been diagnosed bipolar and has been dropping by a lot. I told her that the three of us hung out a lot when SSIL first moved home in February. Everything was cool then. She said that FIL and MIL have been interrogating SSIL about W every time they hang out, trying to find out what W is up to.

So, basically, my W doesn't want me to visit because she doesn't want her parents to find out through her crazy step-sister. What the hell is going on? I'm so angry today. I wanted to say a lot of things like "don't you realize they know we spend time together?" This secretiveness drives me absolutely nuts.

I guess at root it's a lame excuse by W for not wanting to see me. Which doesn't make it any better. At least she said "next time" and the talk went well.

[MichelleLT]

I guess at root it's a lame excuse by W for not wanting to see me. Which doesn't make it any better. At least she said "next time" and the talk went well.

Uh-uh. No. No way.

NO JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS!!!!!

She has her own reasons for how she deals with her family.

Try and find the positive in the secretiveness - a little thrill, having a secret together, etc.

She said she should come visit you! Why are you getting hung up on why she'd rather come out to see you than have you go to her?

[jon2911]

Michelle,
Mainly I'm just disappointed that it didn't work out this week. And I'm skeptical that with her headaches she'll actually make it here. But you're right need to look at the positives.

Had another good long talk today. She called for help with FIL's computer. I asked if he'd had his hip replacement done, and she said they were going to do that when he had a very scary heart incident. They almost had to do a bypass, but were able to solve it another way. She said it was very scary. So, another reason I haven't heard from her lately.

Later, I got an e-mail "thank you for your help and patience today." I responded "You're welcome, always nice to talk to you."