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#1810233 - 07/29/09 02:10 PM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: JCJ]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
Hi Bonny, Sanderika and JCJ,

Thanks for your supportive messages. I am really appreciative of them. Been super busy getting organised. Think I'm set to go now!

Tonight H phoned but didn't get onto me until the 3rd try. I didn't call him back. In the conversation I had to restrain myself because I did get a little caught up in the fear of the surgery and I did want to say I loved him. However, I didn't.

The conversation was pleasant and there was humour and it was generally very relaxed.

He said he would visit hospital with the kids over the weekend so they can see me (S drives and my parents will be staying with kids and coming up each day so kids definitely have opportunities to see me). He said he would pop in but then leave the kids visiting me because the last thing I needed was too many visitors. I'm thinking the translation there is I will pop in briefly just in case I am uncomfortable with one of the visitors but I'll stay longer if nobody else comes along to make me uncomfortable. What do you think?

He mentioned my parents once again and I feel sure he wants to have contact with them but he's scared of rejection.

He's been super quiet since our recent dinner and I know he's had to retreat after letting himself get too close. However, it's still a step forward cos before he would have had a tantrum or started a fight and now it's just avoidance.

Bye again!

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#1810465 - 07/29/09 08:29 PM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: dolphin_05]
bonnyh Offline
Member

Registered: 11/19/08
Posts: 234
Loc: uk
Sounds about right he'll stay if there's no one there to make him feel awkward/guilty. Possibly mention to your parents that they should try and make him feel welcome, he's bound to be nervous to see them. It could go a long way in making him realise that you are not making him out to be 'bad'. If he gets on well with them he's perhaps missing them too? Take this as an opportunity.

My H too retreats once he feels we've had a bit too much fun. Perhaps they then feel bad that they are letting the OW down - hee hee. Perhaps the tables will turn and you will be the OW!

Although to be honest I'd be concentrating on my surgery and not worrying about anyone else at all.
Good luck
_________________________
married 23 years
4 grown up kids

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#1811171 - 07/31/09 04:08 AM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: bonnyh]
cpfullofhope Offline
Member

Registered: 07/07/08
Posts: 84
Loc: Washington
I will be praying your surgery goes well, and your H heart will be open during this time. I have been following your post and find you to be a really inspiration in my own sitch. Thank you for being here and sharing your journey.
_________________________
cpfullofhope


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#1815141 - 08/08/09 07:49 AM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: cpfullofhope]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
Hi All,

I'm back. Surgery went well and I am slowly but surely making my way back. Thanks for thoughts and prayers.

H rang twice and came to visit with the kids on the third night and again a few night's later which was D's birthday. The hospital is about an hour's drive away so it did involve some effort. The first visit he was a little quiet but stayed an hour or so and there was no question of him not coming into the room. Fortunately nobody else was there at that time.

H was more involved the second visit and seemed fairly comfortable. He stayed about 1 1/2 hours and bought a cake with him for D. which we shared.

He saw my parents a couple of times and I believe things were polite and cordial but I don't really know too much more.

I sent him a text to say when I was returning home and he replied to say 'ok. great. thanks' No more to report!

cp, thanks for ur positive words. I will read up on ur sitch just as soon as I can muster the energy!!!

Bonny, as always I appreciated ur feedback and it made wonderful sense

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#1815146 - 08/08/09 08:52 AM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: dolphin_05]
mac-ct Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/09
Posts: 934
Loc: Cape Town, South Africa
Hi Cas,

Glad that things went well. I've been reading up on your sitch and can only say I wish I was as far along as you are.

Bonny says something that really struck a chord in me....

" he needs to find a way back to you without losing face."

Applies to WAW's as well ;(

Keep up the good work. You'll see the results.

All the very best to you and yours.

Mac

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#1815525 - 08/09/09 07:00 AM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: mac-ct]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
Hi Mac,

Just don't forget how long I've been at this!!! Progress has been incredibly slow and still is.

Cas

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#1815530 - 08/09/09 07:26 AM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: dolphin_05]
mac-ct Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/09
Posts: 934
Loc: Cape Town, South Africa
Hey Cas,

Slow is better than none and MUCH better than reverse wink

Still think you're doing much better than me (keeping score here) wink

I'd love to see SOMETHING tangible in my sitch.

Ah well - faith and patience.

Mac

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#1815585 - 08/09/09 03:43 PM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: mac-ct]
JCJ Offline
Member

Registered: 05/27/08
Posts: 3324
Loc: London, UK
Cas, I'm so pleased that you are back and that things went well. Wishing you a swift recovery!
_________________________
M- May 2006
D - Aug 2010
Now travelling the world

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#1815906 - 08/10/09 07:25 AM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: JCJ]
bonnyh Offline
Member

Registered: 11/19/08
Posts: 234
Loc: uk
Hi Cas

Glad you're back and hope that the surgery went well and that you have a quick recovery.

Sounds as if your H sort of came through for you - good that you had a bit of time to talk in the hospital on your own. 1 1/2 hours is a long time talking to someone in hospital I think.

Keep it up
_________________________
married 23 years
4 grown up kids

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#1815922 - 08/10/09 10:05 AM Re: Long Journey .......... advice please [Re: bonnyh]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
Thanks Mac. Your words helped me to keep things in perspective. Since I came home I haven't heard from H, not even a text to see how I am, although I know he has asked D about me. I know I should have no expectations............

Thanks for your wishes, Julia. I am making progress and I just need to be patient. Today a friend took me to lunch which was a wonderful first excursion and a lovely break from home. It was a lovely day and we sat overlooking a lake........so peaceful.

Bonny, don't forget that the kids were also there so that means H can remain somewhat passive during the visits. Nevertheless, he did join in the conversation a little, especially on the second visit. He is usually the quieter one of the two of us, anyway. The second visit he laughed and joked a lot more. Guess that's cos I was in better form, too. I kept thinking that he wouldn't have come if he didn't want to be there cos there was certainly no need to bring the kids as S drives. Now, I know he will be largely absent. His parents arrive here to visit this week so this could be an interesting time. I am very close with them and until the ow was revealed he was very close with them. However, things have been a little tense since then.

Cas

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