Hi Laurie: I am starting off the day still very upset with A's actions. I still want to know what his motivation was to look up my personal information. I found out that personal information is not given out by the RMV. What he did is illegal. I would like to know from him 'what his intentions were by sending me that b'day message'. 'what message was he trying to send to me?'
1.) maybe feeling really angry has given me a sense of liberation. a.) I almost don't care anymore (very unlike me...is that doing a 180?) b.) I feel so angry that bitterness has started to take over. c.) I am the distant one...without feeling bad about it.
2.) all of this is so disappointing to me
3.) one positive is that I feel more authentic to myself. I feel more free to express my needs and not apologize for it.
What he did, I personally believe, was hurtful. The way he uses his magic act in order to communicate with me has always been his M.O. That, the way he communicates with me has to change. Another Goal.
Too many goals are not being met with any substance. We have seemed to touch the border line, I get ready to move forward, and he regresses. This time, it seems like a slippery slope.
1.) Still angry. Wondering if what he did to me, he would do to his dear friend, Mm. She never reveals her age to anyone, but we all suspect that she is in her mid-50s. I don't think he would embarrass her like he did to me.
2.) I am not sure where to go from here. I can't believe that I feel worse off in my R with A than I did one year ago.
3.) I am so 'flippin' mad. What was his point? I think it was so mean. Does he want to be mean? Does he want me to react? What?
1.) When A comes forward to invite me into his life, I would very much like it if he could stay at this place for awhile (where it is obviously uncomfortable for him), and when he retreats, not to retreat so distantly.
a.) There must be something I can do or stop doing to help him feel more comfortable to stay there longer.
1.) Thinking about how A likes to get a rise out of people. (his M.O.) I always fall for it. I react. (my M.O.) Doing a 180 would be if I ignored him. Tough for me because usually it is hurtful.
1.) For the first time, I am praying to God to help me be forgiving and to not let my heart become bitter and hard.
2.) For the first time, I feel that I deserve an apology.
3.) I re-read my posts and know that I react to A's button pushing, but I do it in a measured fashion. I almost never say what I 'really' want to say. I never tell him where to go, 'too risky'. Sometimes, I wish that I could. I guess, I have spent so many years waiting to react that I often internalize.
4.) I suspect that A wouldn't go out of his way to look up personal information about me. Why would he? I really believe that this information came from D, his cohort in crime. I do not trust her.
5.) I suspect that A must feel so guilty now that I probably will never hear from him again for any social occasion.
6.) I would never share with anyone A's most personal secrets. I would never embarrass him.
1.) Very tired because I had the late shift today. 2.) I'm feeling very good about myself lately...maybe that's what boundary setting does for me. 3.) Remebering when I set a limit with A and confronted him directly, strongly, yet not harshly, he always had a good response back to me. a.) I guess, I'm disappointed in him. (You, too, Brutus?) I, also, can't help but not like D. I know she is involved. If she is, her future behavior in her R with A will not be a good one. I think I will let her sink her own ship.
4.) I think in a few weeks (after, yet, another has passed) maybe I will ask him to lunch or over to my house for some cocktails or meet for cocktails. I don't know.
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
sleep tight. sleep with the angels!