K4D Rising #4

[25yearsmlc]

What CG said...and Stacy and stuck, etc.

kevin has to do much more than he has done, MUCH MORE, if he is to move forward and that does not simply refer to his wife or their marital status. He had/has a drinking problem (which was by his own admission a huge factor in the demise of his M). His wife described him as a "functioning alcoholic". For MONTHS we all urged him to get help b/c his anxiety was out of control, & by his comments he lost his last job b/c he could not focus...

So he said he stopped drinking but those of us with experience in addiction pointed out that "recovery is MUCH more than simply not drinking" and that the 12 steps are a way of life, (taking a moral inventory of your damage to others and making amends is A GREAT Thing to do even if you have no abuse problem....it's called taking responsibility for ourselves) and a life program for it and if you find a better one or one more suited for you FINE, but do the work or you are just a "dry alcoholic" who never finds out why he self treated his depression with alcohol or what was being hidden, not dealt with, avoided, etc. His mom died a few months before his wife wanted the div but he has not commented on his grief. (Doesn't mention how his siblings or father are handling theirs. )

So after literally months of urging him to go to an AA meeting AND him agreeing almost from the start but not actually going, he finally FINALLY went to ONE AA meeting and wrote it off, (without sharing that info until we dragged it out of him weeks or months later), b/c there were unsavory characters at the one meeting he attended. Same for the C he finally agreed to get and then weeks/months later actually DID, but wrote that guy off b/c he was "too young or inexperienced" and whatever...

Kevin has said some startling things about himself that probably played HUGE roles in the marital situation and that are NOT being addressed even now....SUCH AS saying he "has never known how to be happy in his LIFE...was never happy before met his wife". That is something that MUST be addressed and if ALL one cared about was his reconciling with his wife, even then, you'd have to admit that he has to know how to be happy on his own to make much of a husband to anyone, or a father. It's a basic life skill. When he lost his job due to lack of focus (which we can all identify with and are not judging and was incredibly indecisive about whether to move away-he did-or back to Texas--he did--- his solution was to get on some anti-anxiety meds...AND yet Not get c to go with it...which is standard med practice meaning they'd prescribe it but assume or recommend c to go with it)
Not happening...

Look I don't want to rehash all this especially on this day b/c ALL of us have extra hard times on certain occasions.

We know people move and heal at diff rates. It's b/c of THAT knowledge that we recognize when someone is avoiding the real work involved. Pretending to be clueless or "trying real hard" are easy things to say. Doing the real work is not easy. Read his old posts and see how slow the progess has been for insight into why this thread is so frustrating and why we get emails telling us to give up on Kevin and his sitch.

But if someone really wants to be the best person they can be AND wants their M restored, there is no other way than doing the real INTERIOR work involved. Not about the spouse when you have these other issues and keep making it about the spouse...that's deflection and avoidance and some of us see through it and call him on it. Sorry if that sounds opinionated, but what's to argue?

CG has given countless lists of resources available to Kev and we've all tried to keep him focussed and on track...and he has written to me privately asking me not to give up on him, and if it were not for that, I would have quit here. B/C it's SO frustrating to see someone avoid the elephant in the room with superficial attempts and not doing what WE have ALL been thru or did, or are going through now. My life could and would have sucked for years if I had not FACED my own issues and done my own work and gotten the tools I needed. I had to set an example for my kids and plus, I deserve to be happy. Thank GOD for that belief.

Here's to hoping K4 someday finds that belief "for real" and then acts on getting the tools he sorely lacks, so that he CAN be happy on his own. Only then will there be a real chance for any R with a woman in his life, let alone one with the anger she has with him. Some of it, in his own words was deserved.

So yeah, he has some amends to make and some big serious work to do. I don't know if he will ever do it, let alone soon. But tonight? K4, try to enjoy THIS evening so you aren't too miserable. On THIS Day/evening, I'd make sure I was busy and happy and not alone....and NOT around w...

So go do that and being again tomorrow...or not.

j-

[davidswife]

Hey 25, CG and Kev,

My brother-in-law is dying of Stage IV Leukemia and Myostatic (sp?) bone cancer.

If I'm away -- I'm helping them through this. I'm not abandoning you -- it's just lose-lose here.

If I don't post - I'm helping them, helping my nieces, sister-in-law, and children cope with this.

Helping everyone cope.

There are worse things than divorce.

Sorry to hi-jack -- just wanted you all (ya'll) to know.

Stacy

[CityGirl]

Oh Stacy, I am so very sorry to read this news. I will be praying for you and your family and thanks for the "reality check". Life is so, so fragile. What can we do? Anything? You are always here for us so let us be here for you.

I wish you all peace and comfort and love.
N

[davidswife]

CG,

I don't know what to say.

When my children were small they had a saying: "Too bad, so sad, Mother's Dad".

WTH -- what does that mean???

I don't want any of you to feel that I've gone for no reason.

Life happens -- you help, in any way you can. I wish I could help more.

So sad, too bad -- thanks for caring -- but if I'm away -- it's not about Kevin. Just taking care of my family.

CG and 25 - I'd like to connect in the alt -- but I don't know of the clues or whatever to connect.

Thanks for caring CG -- I'll find a way, as we all do - always.

Stacy

[K4D]

Wow,

What a day on here. Stacy, I would like to say that I to am very sorry to hear about your BIL. I hope that he is able to recover and I can only imagine the pain that everyone in your family must be filling from this. My prayers are definitely with you and your BIL.

To answer the question about why I was posting during church from my blackberry. The mass had not begun yet. We got there early. Thats why. I don't post or even look at my phone during mass most of the time.

This afternoon I was talking to one of my friends about shoring up plans for tonight and she had her room mate in the car with her. Her room mate said why would I want to be with someone like my W when I can have all of her. I was like WHAT??? Umm... NO. I am not interested in her room mate or anyone else. Her room mate is not bad looking at all. But I am a committed man to my W. So I let my friend know that who already knows that so there was no hope from her room mate. Geez... It was flattering, don't get me wrong. But that is not who I am.

Tonight, I had a wonderful night surprisingly. W ended up dropping by my apartment to watch the girls so I could go out. She called me on my way out.

Later when I got back she explained that her best friend had caught something extremely contagious that the doctors just diagnosed this morning. In fact it was so contagious that once it was diagnosed, the doctors came back in covered up. W has been with her since Friday and they said that you can start experiencing symptons 4 to 9 days after being around it. So my W is worried that she might possibly have it now after spending the past couple of days at the hospital with her in the same room.

We talked for a while and W agreed that I needed to keep the kids at least through tomorrow night to see if W caught anything from this. I told her that I hope she didn't and obviously I am concerned about her safety. But I am also concerned about my daughters safety and so it is better for them to stay with me for a bit longer until we know for sure.

W said she didn't like the school in the area that I live in. I said that is fine because I am not renewing the lease in December. She asked where I am going to go. I said I don't know but I'm not thrilled with this apartment complex and it was just a temporary place until I figured things out.

As W was leaving I handed her the card with pictures and told her regardless of the situation, I think the day is still worth recognizing for what it brought us. She said thank you and then I walked off.

I kept my emotions completely 100% in check. I was surprised myself. I handled everything very cool in front of her. I came across as a strong supportive husband and someone that is there for her but able to take care of me and my girls. She was actually really nice tonight. I think she is just really worried that she might be infected.

It was nice to see her even if it was only for a few minutes tonight. I know she is completely detached from me. But as I think about her right now, I still love her regardless.

So tonight, I went out to dinner with my friends to an all you can eat sushi buffet. It was truly amazing. We had a great time. Then my friends who are dancers and helping me to learn how recommended that I bring my daughters to the ballroom dance studio after and they would work with them to. So I went and got my daughters and took them. We had a great time again. I danced with both D7 and D11. D7 was really into it and pretty much danced the entire time. She told me that she loved it and wants to keep doing it. I said we will now that I know I can bring them there.

So a day that I was dreading turned out to be just a wonderful evening all around. Things went so well in every aspect tonight. I was very happy tonight and just really enjoyed myself. I am getting more and more into this dancing as I learn more steps. It is a great escape from things. One of my friends was like why do I think she does it. Cool.

Kevin

[K4D]

I forgot to mention that my W also said after we finished talking that she would hug me but she doesn't want to take a chance on infecting me.

That surprised me being as how cold she has been for weeks now towards me.

I wasn't expecting that.

Kevin

[davidswife]

Kevin,

I'm happy to hear that you were able to "be in the moment" yesterday, and that a day you were dreading turned out pretty well.

Good for you for bringing your girls to the dance studio and sharing that with them.

I'm proud of you, and that is not said lightly.

Thank-you for your kind words regarding my BIL, but there will be no recovery for him. Four to six weeks is what he has left, we're all praying for a peaceful passing, and that his pain can be kept manageable.

He's 49.

So keep up your good work, and if I'm not posting, know that I'm praying for your and yours.

Stacy

[The Wifey]

Davidswife and Citygirl,

I am sorry for the hijack and reproof. I want you to know whether I posted or not I have been following Kevin right along.

I agree with most of your postings and love the encouragement of Kevin. I just know that when someone is hurting, as he was on his anniversary, was not the day for 2x4's. They needed to be padded a little.

That being said, I recognize how painful an anniversary is in this sitch. Of course his thoughts are on the S at this point. He's human. Strength comes gradually and I don't fault him for thinking about it. Yet, it appears he handled himself real well.

I still think Kevin needs to get real and understand that standing on his own two feet, going to C, going beyond speaking to the priest and going to church and learning to let go and let God, and attending AA are all necessary and vital (and lets not forget C for the children.) He needs to be able to look in the mirror and be real.

Kevin, everyone here loves you and is dedicated to you. If you can't face that you have to be that strong man that your w fell in love with - addiction free, dependable, responsible, and able to think about her feelings first - then you are not ready for what you wish for. It takes more than hope to rebuild a M, it takes consistent action.

I know the big buzzword is detachment. I get it. But more than that, is that everything you do she is watching. Why would she give an addict a chance that only went to one AA meeting? Why would she believe you are truly changing by speaking to a priest (in a church she isn't comfortable in) rather than if you were to be in hard-core, honest-to-goodness counseling? Why would she respect and accept that you put your Children first if you didn't bring up and push for the two of you to get your children into c?

The ultimate goal is detachment, Kevin, but until you get to that point, can you see how hope and reality differ? If you aren't yet detached, ok, but can you see that if you really want to get your W back and restore your M, that everything you fail to do is only confirming her decision for her?

I promise, that if you go to AA, go to counseling, grow your faith in God, put the girls in C and support them all the way that you will detach. You will grow, you will get stronger. It seems crazy, but the more you detach the more your w will watch, Kevin. We aren't believing the changes because we haven't seen you do the work. How do you expect or hope to restore your M if all she can see is what we see?

I will give you one for instance, Kevin. For instance, you immediately questioned your w wanting to stay with her friend and thought about how YOU felt, that she was trying to avoid YOU. It was nice to think she may want to hug you but wasn't because she may be contagious, but did you express honest concern for her health? I didn't see it in your post.

You know you have to do the work, Kevin. You know it. And you CAN DO this.

And that, my dear friends, is how to pad a 2x4, yet still hit that tender spot just to the left of denial. I'm with you Citygirl and Davidswife, and have been from the start. Fresh eyes and perspective, and more than a year of DB, but I haven't had to chime in much because I've agreed with you.

The frustration you feel at him not doing the work showed through. I read and felt it. I just added a little more padding is all.

What say you, Kevin?

[K4D]

I can't disagree Wifey and CG and 25 and DW.

I did show very honest concern for my W and her health and I expressed that to her last night. She knows I don't want anything to happen to her.

As far as the timelines go. I didn't actually join this site until December 30th, 2008. So this would be my 8th month on here. W announced she wanted a D back in September 2008 which was the second bomb and never changed her mind since. She originally wanted a D in February 2008, but then we reconciled the week we were down in Florida for my mom's funeral in April. I did grieve over my mom. But at the same time, I was somewhat side tracked by my W's wanting a D and then us reconciling. I had mixed emotions on everything through that period. Everything seemed to be going well, so I thought from April until September when she started seeing OM. Nothing has been the same since.

W doesn't know that I am going to see the priest each week. I haven't told her because I didn't think it would be recieved well. So she thinks that I am going to counseling each week. I had told her earlier on that I was going to AA. I guess I need to start going back and work through this 12 step process.

I am waiting to hear back from the C regarding my girls. Once I have more info, I will bring it up to W. I think my D11 needs it to, not just D7. D11 seems to have a lot of anger and I'm sure some of it is stimming from the current situation. We were talking about Jesus coming back some day and she said she doesn't know why Jesus would want to take her. We talked some more. But that kind of startled me that she thinks that. That says there are some things going on in her mind that need to be worked out.

D7 asked me this morning if I gave W the card. I said yes. She then asked if W liked it. I said I don't know and that I gave it to her as she was leaving. Then D7 asked me if W gave me a card. I said no, but that W has been very busy with her friend being sick from this thing she contracted. D11 was just quiet.

I talked to my dad this morning after I dropped off my girls. He is doing well at my sisters place. They are all doing good. He is just getting things set up how he likes on the 3rd floor of their house.

Yes, I know I need to continue to work no myself in order to have a chance at my W again down the road.

W did love that I was taking the girls to the dance studio and wanted the girls to show her what they are learning. I guess that looked good in her eyes even though that had nothing to do with why I was taking them. Me and the girls prayed for mommy to be ok.

DW, I did pray for yall last night and will continue to do so. I hope you and your family are ok through this process.

Kevin

[K4D]

25,

I didn't realize people were emailing you telling you to give up on me. Thank you for not giving up on me.

Kevin