Cake eating WAW in MLC and EA part 2

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Well, NEVER reveal the source(s) of your intel.

[CABBR]

Greek, Puppy,

So how do I act around my W right now? She is actually pleasant enough around the kids. Acts as if there is no real problem. I sometimes just look at her and am thinking: you bozo.

She will speak to me if I initiate conversation or she may occasionally ask me something innocuous. I've been civil and generally helpful as required, but not happy or lighthearted around her. I have not been engaging with her really much at all.

She went out tonigh taking her D files - I'm assuming she's working on figuring our how I can afford to buy her a different house.

So if I dig in on the custody issue and she doesn't blink. The issue will be litigated and I would think I have a pretty good shot at 50% custody.

And the decree to sell whatever real estate needs to be sold will be some time in coming. So this could be a pretty significant period of limbo in terms of living arrangements. Even if we agree in mediation, we're talking at least 6 months prior to anything happening.

After work we had an appointment with s9's primary care doctor. We had submitted survey forms regarding an ADHD evaluation. S9 may have the inattentive type. His doctor seemed pretty matter of fact based on what we described that he's got it. We're having a child psychologist evaluate him and perhaps test him for the symptomology.

The doctor said a divorce certainly complicates matters, but he spouts the same line my w does about saying we'll still be a family. This seems like moral relativism run-a-muck.

Cabbr

[CABBR]

Just trying to get a feel for how this could play out.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Greek, Puppy,

So how do I act around my W right now? She is actually pleasant enough around the kids. Acts as if there is no real problem. I sometimes just look at her and am thinking: you bozo.

She will speak to me if I initiate conversation or she may occasionally ask me something innocuous. I've been civil and generally helpful as required, but not happy or lighthearted around her. I have not been engaging with her really much at all.

Perfect -- just like that. ^

Puppy

[CABBR]

In making a decision with lasting consequences, I tend to look at issues from different angles and gather as much information before choosing a clear path. Prior to posting on the DB forum, I lurked around the MLC forum on Pathpartners.

Those guys are by and large really hard core when it comes to sticking it to the stbx. This is in the context of MLC, which may warrant that approach – 4 months into this and I don’t know enough to make that call. On PP forum it seems the default strategy is to torch the village and take no prisoners. Here the approach seems to be a little more compassionate – give tough love and demand respect but don’t be an a$$ about it.

In terms of my strategy, is it just to make sure I stand up for myself and my kids to get what I want? Or not make it easy for my W the entire way through? My stated objective on custody is 50%, so if my W is willing to concede on that issue in mediation – how do I play the rest of it?

Greek is saying give NOTHING and force the WAW to make the hard choices and be a grown up and for the LBS to stop enabling. That approach resonates with me on a lot of levels. I understand as Greek said that it forces the WAW to realize the cost to everyone involved and what the WAW is giving up. (My W will, of course, turn that around and say I’m the one causing the financial devastation by not compromising.)

Her stated objective is to not get a real job, but to continue as primary care giver. She has intentions of establishing a career a few years down the road, but views her mission in life as being a Mother to our children and doing all of the volunteer stuff that she has always engaged in with the school. She will look at me in bewilderment that I would be so selfish so as to hinder our boys’ development by placing obstacles in front of that rosy path. I don’t know how this will play with the courts.

At the same time, although I may be able to delay and obstruct the process to a certain degree by litigating – I can’t stop it completely. It will ultimately go forward. My L is on vacation until 8/10, so I’ll get a better feel for the legal aspects at that time.

The situation with my s9 complicates things too. I have to deal with my W on that issue. I’m not convinced that medication is the answer for him and want to make sure we are not hasty in that decision. I think there is an awful lot of room for growth and improvement in my son with more consistent parenting, but I see there are times when he struggles.

My W’s whole demeanor around me is one of benign indifference. There is no vestige of a marital relationship. She is civil and even pleasant at times when we are around the kids, but she has joined an internet dating site and outwardly manifests an attitude of the friendly co-parent – as if that’s a normative state. She presented the issue of our getting divorced to the pediatrician as just another issue to address. For me it’s pretty weird. I guess I’m having a tough time with detachment today.

One thing that burns me up, is that my W clearly does not value my role as a parent as being remotely equal to hers. When I was considering taking a job in an adjoining state and did not because I thought my kids would need me more than ever, her attitude was like – why? I’d be there for them. Totally dismissive of my relationship with them.

Cabbr

[davidswife]

Her stated objective is to not get a real job, but to continue as primary care giver.

Cabbr

Excuse me, primary caretaker is a "real job". Not to hi-jack, but please, I've raised/am raising four children, fifteen years of staying home -- it's a "real job".

Stacy

[mac-ct]

Hi Cabbr,

Reading the last post of yours I see a few things.

1. You've already answered your own questions
2. You're taking advice and it's sinking in. Yay Greek. Yay Puppy.

is it just to make sure I stand up for myself and my kids to get what I want?

And your answer would be?

Don't forget that at this time it is all about you. My W actually threw that in my face a few times. And you know what? Now it is all about me. If I'm not the very best I can be then what am I worth?

Just thought - that would have sounded SO conceited not so long ago. I now know that in the sitch I'm in and my W is in it's definitely not conceit.

Cabbr - please don't read to much into how your W relates to you at the moment. She, like my W isn't in the real world. It is for our significant others, but it's clouded in fog.

You carry on doing what you are doing.

Like Puppy said....

Perfect -- just like that. ^

It REALLY bugs them.

Chin up (apologies for talking poo)

Mac

[davidswife]

Her stated objective is to not get a real job, but to continue as primary care giver. She has intentions of establishing a career a few years down the road, but views her mission in life as being a Mother to our children and doing all of the volunteer stuff that she has always engaged in with the school. She will look at me in bewilderment that I would be so selfish so as to hinder our boys’ development by placing obstacles in front of that rosy path. I don’t know how this will play with the courts.
Cabbr

Well, too bad her "mission in life as being a Mother" might conflict with the ugly financial reality of her decision to walk away from her family.

Stacy

[iwantittowork]

Couple comments for you Cabbr, from my perspective:

"Her stated objective is to not get a real job, but to continue as primary care giver. She has intentions of establishing a career a few years down the road, but views her mission in life as being a Mother to our children and doing all of the volunteer stuff that she has always engaged in with the school. She will look at me in bewilderment that I would be so selfish so as to hinder our boys’ development by placing obstacles in front of that rosy path. I don’t know how this will play with the courts."

My W has the same rosy picture for herself, wants to be an artist, go back to school, take care of our d8, take up rock climbing, diving, etc, etc.

I first thought the same way you did, but in speaking with both my L and the mediator, I have much better picture. First, she probably will think your putting obstacles in her path, but they are not obstacles from my point of view anymore. We need to do what's best for our kids and us, and that does not include her financial stability to go play, etc. outside of what our appointed financial obligations are. My L also said, judges for the most part would not go for that, where the W gets to play while the exH gets to pay for it. If she can support herself and do all those things then great! Have at it, but for her to expect you to support her financially to do so, is pure entitlement mindset on her part. My L told me most judges now a days will tell her to go get a job. (Not sure if that's truly the case, but I have to believe my L knows a bit more about this than I do..)

Our mediator pointed that out to my W when she viciously asked him who would pay for our d8's private school if the child support was not enough to support my W after divorce and the tuition? He politely told her that she may have to decide on public school then, and she was fuming mad.

My W’s whole demeanor around me is one of benign indifference. There is no vestige of a marital relationship. She is civil and even pleasant at times when we are around the kids, but she has joined an internet dating site and outwardly manifests an attitude of the friendly co-parent – as if that’s a normative state. She presented the issue of our getting divorced to the pediatrician as just another issue to address. For me it’s pretty weird. I guess I’m having a tough time with detachment today.

This is the same in my Sitch, and I have come to determine that she is completely detached from the MR and me, but without the Loving part of the detachment. We need to also get close to this point, but with the loving aspect still there. Also what makes it harder on us until we get to that point, as we still see everything in the sitch as "Us" When she sees it as "I"

One thing that burns me up, is that my W clearly does not value my role as a parent as being remotely equal to hers. When I was considering taking a job in an adjoining state and did not because I thought my kids would need me more than ever, her attitude was like – why? I’d be there for them. Totally dismissive of my relationship with them.

I also see this in my sitch. I believe this is BECAUSE they have lost respect for us, as a person, partner and a parent, and part of why they lost there 'love' for us.

Another reason why we need to make a stand for what WE want, and get that respect back for ourselves. N.U.T.S and No More MR. Nice guy are good places to start looking to yourself to get that back..

[CABBR]

Her stated objective is to not get a real job, but to continue as primary care giver.

Cabbr

Excuse me, primary caretaker is a "real job". Not to hi-jack, but please, I've raised/am raising four children, fifteen years of staying home -- it's a "real job".

Stacy

Stacy,

That came out the wrong way. I absolutely value my W's role as a Mother and it's probably the hardest job on earth. Not the least of which is because there is so little down time. My W wants a D and to pursue other relationships and sports interests while maintaining her role as caregiver. She had a very successful career prior to children, so what I'm saying is that she basically wants everything to remain the same except to have me removed from the equation. I think the D is game changer in that regard.

Cabbr