Cake eating WAW in MLC and EA part 2

[CABBR]

CABBR,

I'd be very hesitant to agree to a 2-week vacation of the kids away from you. A family court may see that as some sort of precedent, and there's no reason why she should be calling all the shots here.

Puppy

Thanks Puppy. That's kind of where I was landing on this one. I'll keep you advised on the legal stuff - haven't received the "proposal" yet.

[CABBR]

It's been about one week, so thought I would check in with Puppy, Greek, robx.

My W hasn't actually filed yet. We had a meeting with a child psychologist last week about my older s9 and the kids in general regarding this "transition." The psychologist said that we should not tell the kids anything until we know what's going to happen and when. This seemed like sound advice. I pointed out that from what I understand my W intends to force the issue legally in the near term, but I wasn't aware of any proposal as yet.

In the course of this discussion my W made clear she wants living arrangements sorted out before the kids go back to school. Meaning she wants me out of the house so she can sleep in our bedroom. She is really getting resentful abou tsleeping in the basement. I'm like too bad. (There's a lot of stuff she misses at night and in the morning.)I think there is little chance of her forcing that issue legally. My Lawyer says it's common for one spouse to attempt this, but it's a lot harder than they realize.

My W was really pressing for mediation regarding custody to avoid leagal fees. (I think she was feeling the financial heat attendant with a long protracted legal battle.)So I reiterated that I want at least 50% custody and she wasn't willing to compromise. She said that our s6 needs his Mother and I said he needs his Father too. Anyway, I agreed to meet with a mediator, but she probably thinks she will be better able to get what she wants. All I know is I'm not agreeing to anything less than 50%, but will participate. I have a schedule I want to propose where we take every other weekend with the weekend starting on Friday morning and then split the remaining 4 days - two a piece.

I took my kids to church for the first time in three months on Sunday. we used to go regularly. They don't like it of course, but my younger son has to make his communion next year, and I wanted to reestablish that activity. (My W never attended with us.)

My W took the kids to the beach yesterday with another couple of kids. I had to fix one of the cars, but met them afterward. I swam with my older s9 and his friend in the waves and we had a great time. We'll definitely be going to the ocean next month. Then I got pizza and I took s9 to see the Harry Potter movie, which he enjoyed.

We came home and my W had put my s6 to bed on the couch in the family room. He wanted to have a campout on the couch. After putting s9 to bed she came into "my" room and was all smiley about what to do with s6, i.e. should we leave him down there. I said if we wants to sleep there it's OK with me. But I moved him later when I took him to the bathroom because he got kind of hot on the couch.

Cabbr

[iwantittowork]

Hey Cabbr, nice to see an update from you.

Sounds like you had a decent day at the beach with the kids and the W?

After having gone to a couple mediation meetings myself now, I can tell you I was completely apprehensive at first. However, during the meeting, the mediator was very fair, and I felt better after coming out of it, though it was very emotional.

One thing my L told me, was to state up front, and make the mediator aware, that I was not in agreement with getting a D, and that I still had feelings for my W and M, and that I felt at a disadvantage in this situation. This was to ensure that my W did not try to take over mediation with her agenda. My L told me any mediator that was good, would note that, and try and ensure that both parties views were heard.

[CABBR]

Thanks IWITW,

Yes ,we had fun, but my W stayed on the beach with my s6 and his friend. I had little interaction with her. I treat her politely but show no interest, which I think suits her.

At one point, she said she picked up my phone message from earlier. I had called to ask when they'd be coming home because I had finished puttering with the car and wanted to spend time with my kids. The day before my kids and I waited at the house because she was playing tennis with her friends. She was gone a lot longer than she said and we could have gone somewhere and didn't, so I was trying to make the point that we'd appreciate a little heads up. Anyway, she tried to engage and I wasn't really communicative because it didn't matter since I came to the beach. I only wanted to spend time with my kids.

As far as the mediation, I had a lengthy initial phone conversation with the mediator and she understands where I'm coming from. I will not be steamrolled into something I don't want. I want my kids at least half the time and will burn the financial house to the ground to get it.

Cabbr

[Puppy Dog Tails]

One thing my L told me, was to state up front, and make the mediator aware, that I was not in agreement with getting a D, and that I still had feelings for my W and M, and that I felt at a disadvantage in this situation. This was to ensure that my W did not try to take over mediation with her agenda. My L told me any mediator that was good, would note that, and try and ensure that both parties views were heard.

I like that a lot.

Puppy

[CABBR]

So last Night was interesting.

As my s9 and I are returning home from baseball, My W is towing my s6 in a wagon with a friend of hers from across the street. The other woman is towing a wagon as well with booze and appetizers for a get together at another friend's house in the neighborhood whose kids are friendly with mine. I had just seen the woman hosting the soiree at the baseball game. It's about 7:40, which is usually when s6 is spooling down for bed.

My W had taken our boys to the beach along with their friends. and is still wearing these really short beach cover up shorts and a halter top. She looks like sex on a stick - showing about as much skin as you possibly could and still be wearing something. She is a 47 year old Mother of two. She’s very tan and looks phenomenal, but it just seems a tad inappropriate for the neighborhood. Mind you she NEVER wore stuff like that in the 23 years we've been together.

My W says that I can bring s9 over for a swim if he wants and I say OK.

I grab some dinner and s9 and I ride our bikes over. There's a couple of other women there along with my entire family. The host who is a very nice gal offers me a beer and to have a seat. I decline because I know this is supposed to be a girls only thing, but she asks me again a few minutes later and I say OK sure.

They're all drinking martinis and as my s6 is drying off from the pool, he says that Mommy let him drink alcohol. My W says she let him have a few sips of a martini.

S6 is sitting on my lap and keeps saying repeatedly that Mommy let me drink alcohol – over and over. (I’m thinking to myself –if these other women only knew what was going on.) In reality, it’s not that big a deal, but she continues to show poor judgment and a reluctance to just say no when the kids ask for something.

I finish my beer and take my s6 home in the wagon and leave the bike for my W.

On the way we run into another couple in the neighborhood at whose house my s6 (in the wagon) had a two hour play date that day, so my W could go to the gym.

I get my s6 into bed and my W returns at about 9:00 with s9. She says do you mind if I go back and I'm sort of flummoxed that she's even asking and I say go ahead. So I put s9 to bed and he's asking when is Mommy coming home - as usual I don't have an answer for him. She gets home at midnight.

Cabbr

[robx]

Thanks IWITW,

Yes ,we had fun, but my W stayed on the beach with my s6 and his friend. I had little interaction with her. I treat her politely but show no interest, which I think suits her.

At one point, she said she picked up my phone message from earlier. I had called to ask when they'd be coming home because I had finished puttering with the car and wanted to spend time with my kids. The day before my kids and I waited at the house because she was playing tennis with her friends. She was gone a lot longer than she said and we could have gone somewhere and didn't, so I was trying to make the point that we'd appreciate a little heads up. Anyway, she tried to engage and I wasn't really communicative because it didn't matter since I came to the beach. I only wanted to spend time with my kids.

As far as the mediation, I had a lengthy initial phone conversation with the mediator and she understands where I'm coming from. I will not be steamrolled into something I don't want. I want my kids at least half the time and will burn the financial house to the ground to get it.

Cabbr

That's the attitude that says "I know my value now and I'm worth it!" and that's the attitude that will get noticed.

Good job bro, it took you long enough to say these words and actually say it with feeling and I'm glad it finally happened. When you start to value & respect yourself enough, you promote the same feeling in others around you towards you, your wife included ;-)

[CABBR]

Thank Rob. I've saved a bunch of the posts from you, Puppy and Greek and others. I reread them now and then to sort of recharge my batteries and for clarity. It's hard to see clearly sometimes when you're in the middle of this stuff plus it's emotionally and physically draining.

Solid advice from all. This woman is an alien and it's going to be a helluva ride in the next few months. I don't see closure on living arrangements until at least after the new year. Still no filing - not sure why. But don't believe it has anything to do with 2d thoughts on her part.

Cabbr

[robx]

Thank Rob. I've saved a bunch of the posts from you, Puppy and Greek and others. I reread them now and then to sort of recharge my batteries and for clarity. It's hard to see clearly sometimes when you're in the middle of this stuff plus it's emotionally and physically draining.

Solid advice from all. This woman is an alien and it's going to be a helluva ride in the next few months. I don't see closure on living arrangements until at least after the new year. Still no filing - not sure why. But don't believe it has anything to do with 2d thoughts on her part.

Cabbr

I don't know about "alien" (LOL!) but she is a totally different person from the woman you originally started seeing, dating, loving and eventually got married to and had children with.

She is an emotional being who is currently in love with her feelings which at the moment tend to be at total odds against you and your logic.

Male logic, female emotion.
Logic will never trump emotion.

Reasoning in your head that your wife should not be doing any of the actions she is currently involved in and she shouldn't be this "evil" person towards you is a waste of time.

Don't rationalize it, don't reason it, don't try to sort it out with your logic. Nothing of what she does right now can be explained by logic aside from a few things:

- along the way she lost respect for you
- losing respect meant she stopped loving you the way she did originally
- loss of respect for you is what killed her attraction & love for you
- along the way she got the idea that she could do whatever she wanted at your expense and hurt you in the process and she rationalized her behavior as being ok
- since she doesn't respect you, she looks at you like you are a doormat that she can walk all over without any consequences
- standing up for yourself will rebuild respect between the two of you, stopping her from walking all over you is healthy for you to do because you will start to rebuild your confidence (which is attractive), your self-value and your self-respect

Drop the rope, don't communicate with her anymore, let her do what she wants with her life as long as you aren't affected. If she does something to adversely affect your life, put your hand up in a "STOP" motion and tell her "that's enough!". Learn to say "NO" to her, tell her that you can't control her but you sure as heck control what you yourself do and you will from now on and that means putting a stop to her crap behavior towards you. You will no longer reward her crap behavior with your attention and you will stand up for yourself when you need to so that she knows that you won't be pushed around or bullied into something you don't want.

cabbr, you're worth it, I'm glad you are starting to realize this.

[CABBR]

Rob,

- along the way she lost respect for you
- losing respect meant she stopped loving you the way she did originally
- loss of respect for you is what killed her attraction & love for you
- along the way she got the idea that she could do whatever she wanted at your expense and hurt you in the process and she rationalized her behavior as being ok
- since she doesn't respect you, she looks at you like you are a doormat that she can walk all over without any consequences
- standing up for yourself will rebuild respect between the two of you, stopping her from walking all over you is healthy for you to do because you will start to rebuild your confidence (which is attractive), your self-value and your self-respect

You absolutely nailed it.

Thanks, Cabbr