Starting to get "It" #2

[K4D]

Hey there,

I enjoyed meeting you. How are things going now? Any progress since you have been back? I know its hard. Keep hanging in there.

What are you doing for yourself now that you are back?

Kevin

[LR1]

Kev,

I enjoyed our night out too. I have been away from the board for a while, but to answer you question, things couldn't be worse. We have gone backwards and I believe it is now over. She told me today that it was over and she couldn't live like this anymore. I am hoping it was the stress and her not feeling well, but I don't think my hoping will help. I know that I have pushed her to this. We went to MC today and during the session she broke down and said she couldn't do this anymore there also. But things got a little better and she said at the end that she wanted to continue with our MC next week.

Then when she got home, D went into a fit and got her very stressed out and then she called and yelled at me. Told me that she couldn't do this. I then went home to get the kids and she again said that she couldn't do this. I asked her if she wanted a D and she said no, but there was no other choice.

I really don't know what to do. Going dark is not going to help here, I did that and she was really wanting me to pursue and try to make things in the R better (told C that today) and that I wasn't doing that? I am afraid it is too late. Someone please help!

[K4D]

Hey LR1,

I'm sorry things are not going as you had hoped. Fill us in since this last post. I will post more being as how it has almost been a month. I know there are new developments although not good ones.

Kevin

[LR1]

It has been a while since I have posted and a lot has happened, some good, some bad. I went on a wonderful vacation with my kids and we had an unforgettable time together. That has definitely been the highlight of this year for sure! When I got back, I moved out of my dad's house and moved into an apartment. Living with my dad was fine but I didn't feel good about myself by doing it. I needed my own place so i made the decision to leave there and rent an apartment. It was when I moved into the apartment that things became more real for me. All along while living with my dad, I thought, subconsciously almost, that this was temporary and that it wouldn't last. Once I signed the lease (year) it instantly became more real and more finalized.

Pretty much most of June was bad. I was a mess and very up and down emotionally and wasn't GAL, acting as if or anything productive. I just was feeling sorry for myself and worried about me. As you can imagine, this was not good for me or the marriage. This finally came to a head on Father's day and she was done and it was over according to her.

I finally snapped out of it on that Tuesday after all heck broke loose on Sunday. I made up my mind that I wasn't going to let this get me down and that I was going to fight for my marriage, but more importantly was going to fight for myself. We went to MC the next day and she had softened a bit and we continued to work at this. I left with the kids on July 4 and took them on their first cruise and we got back on 7/11. I have continued being good, nice, lovingly detached, working on me ever since Father's day.

W continues to acknowledge the changes in me to our MC and me. She is still very confused and not ready to commit back to me. She still says that she can't make herself love me if its not there.

Yesterday was our 14th anniversary and I got her the prettiest flowers ever and then we went out to dinner last night to celebrate. The night started out ify but progressed nicely and we had a great dinner and great conversation. We exchanged cards and she was visibly moved by the card I got her. It was probably too much, but it is definitely how I feel and I think at least by how she reacted, she liked it. On the drive home, I told her that I really hope she knows how true that card is and how much I care for her. She told me that she knew, but that she can't make herself feel what she doesn't feel. She then went into talking about R and I tried to stop and change subjects but she kept on talking. Anyway, we didn't fight, but it put a damper on a good night for us. It also made me realize that she is probably done. I hope not, but that is my overwhelming feeling.

Today, I have pretty down all day. But I am continuing to be nice and caring to W. I just need some support.

Thanks,
LR1

[K4D]

LR1,

There are good things here and bad things. The good things first. Your W IMO still seems to be at odds. The fact that she celebrated the anniversary with you is huge. Whether or not she is saying she can't make herself love you, she still has feelings or she would not have celebrated that with you. I would not write it off yet.

Now the bad, your W wants you to pursue her you said last month. However, DBing says not to do that. GAL should make you more attractive to her. Being strong and independent should be a real plus in your favor.

Are you cheerful when you are around her? I think if she wants to talk about the R, then let her. Let her get it off her chest. It doesn't mean you have to agree inside with her. But let her talk about it.

To some extent, validate her feelings about some things. Don't validate a D. But if she points out certain things that made her or make her unhappy, agree with her and work to change those things whatever they may be.

Are you getting a life now? If so, what does that entail? How are you doing now that you are off the meds? Do you need to go back on them or are you hanging in there emotionally ok? Are you able to focus at work? I remember why you got off them. I know there are others that work well also that don't cause the same problem as why you got off them.

I think you are actually in a better position than you think. As far as I can tell, she hasn't filed yet right? That is always a good position to be in. And even if she does, it can still take a long time and plenty can change during that.

She may be saying it is over, but her actions reflect otherwise IMO.

I'm glad you and your kids had a good vacation. Those will always be special for them.

Are you working out and still playing golf?

It is easy to feel sorry for yourself in this type of situation. I don't know many people that don't at some point in this process. I would still say do not give up and do not lose hope. You still have time on your side. The fact that she is seeing changes in you is only to your benefit. Keep them up.

Keep working on you and focusing on being the absolute bed dad you can. She will see all of this.

I am so amazed that she went out with you for your anniversary. That is so great. I could only wish to be that lucky as mine is next Sunday and there is no way my W will have anything to do with ours. It says that your W doesn't completely resent you.

I will post more later. I have to get ready to head on out and get my kids.

Kevin

[Sara]

Kev,

I am very impressed with the way you have changed in the past few months. I know the people on this thread keep criticizing you for not changing, so I am making a point of coming by and saying that I hear a completely changed Kevin when I read your posts. I was particularly impressed with the advice that you gave Orich concerning his sitch. You have really come a long way in a short time.

[LR1]

Thanks Kev,

I just finished playing a round of golf. My apartment complex has a golf course on it so I can play whenever I want. I met a nice man that I played with and then the complex was having a cookout so I went and hung out and met a few people.

I am working out, or should I say just started back up:) I really appreciate what you are saying about everything. I definitely was NOT cheerful around her in June but after Fathers Day, I have been a new man everywhere and especially around her and she has noticed.

I am still off the meds and I really feel great minus today. I am also not having to take sleeping pills anymore to sleep. I did take one last night but that is the first time since probably June 25. So I think that is going a lot better for me. As far as getting a life, I am not sure how great at that I am doing outside of my family, but I am doing a lot with my kids and have played some golf, but mainly have been getting my apartment together. My W seems to be really impressed with what I have done with the apartment and has even helped me pick out a few things, but I have mainly done it myself.

And as far as her saying its over, she hasn't said that in those words. Just little things like this is wearing her out and she doesn't know what to do. Those were my words in thinking she is done. I told her last night that I haven't given up and had she, and her answer was "Im trying not to". I don't know what she is thinking and sometimes my mind gets the best of me. I know I can't change her so i am not sure why I stress over it, but I guess its just human nature.

I REALLY appreciate you talking things through with me. I need this, I don't really have anyone here to talk to about anything so I try to get that here. Thank you again!

LR1

[K4D]

Thank you Sara,

That means a lot to me. I feel like I am making changes. I backslide at times. But over all I feel like I am farther ahead mentally and emotionally than I used to be.

LR1,

Thats awesome that you have a golf course part of your complex. That helps out. I am also glad that I was able to pick up that your W is not done then. That is good to hear. You are right in that you can't control her. All you can do is be the best you can be and let the rest fall where they may. Have faith in God and he can fix this for you if you do your part.

I'm glad to see you getting involved socially to like the cook out. You might also try going to some classes at the church you attend and go to meetup.com and join some social groups there. There are good resources out there to be part of. Any time you are in Dallas you are more than welcomed to let me know and we can get together. FaithfulH will be here soon and we can all 3 get together. We are going to start a prayer group that meets for dinner and prayers once a month once he gets down here and if you can get away and want to come, you are always welcomed.

I am glad you don't need the meds anymore. Thats a sign of very good progress.

Good job with doing up the apartment and its great that she even liked it. She sees you stepping up in that area. I think overall just stay out of depression mode, make some friends and keep doing what you are doing on top of being cheerful around her at all times and you will come out of this with your W back in your arms.

Kevin

[K4D]

I REALLY appreciate you talking things through with me. I need this, I don't really have anyone here to talk to about anything so I try to get that here. Thank you again!

Its not a problem. We all need support here. I am happy to support and help any way I can.

Kevin

[K4D]

Try to post at least once a day so we can keep up with what is going on and give the best advice we can each day to you.

Kevin