Hi JCJ, how is everything going for you? How was your first 4th?
It's been since the beginning of June since I've seen A at his little cocktail party. I feel cut off again, and I prefer not to chase him. Even though, I touch base with him every 2-3 weeks ... I still feel like I'm chasing him because his circle of friends tell him (watch out ... she wants you).
I know that his life isn't as social and exiting as he makes it out to be. He would never admit to me that his life is just as plain as mine is.
My goal would be to have more interaction than what it is now.
Hi Laurie: Thanks for checking in. Hope you are having a good time.
I'm not sure what I am going to do. When I go dark and he doesn't call, I usually feel worse...angry, upset, disappointed. I don't know anymore what is better for the relationship. My calling him doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere...it just usually frustrates me because it is such a short visit after 2-3 weeks of quiet. I want so much more.
When he doesn't look for me, I usually get fearful. My mind goes to those places that won't help me. I don't even want to start thinking about those places and those worries.
Yes, he has responded positively, but I want to try something different and I'm not sure what.
I thought of joking about how much fun it was at his birthday party that E had for him. We had a great time! But that would probably seem sarcastic.
I do know that I want to do more things in my life so I have more to talk about with him and other people.
And my birthday is coming and I am afraid that my calling him will pressure him and I do want to see if he will remember me on his own. Now, I am not sure why he invited me to his condo the beginning of June. I don't know how to connect with him as other people do because I fear that he will feel afraid of my every breath...'she wants me'.
I feel more stuck because I don't know what to do. I have been seeing a lot of 1:11's though ... but I tell God 'big deal' ... I read the promises, but I feel that there is something I am lacking. I tell God, 'I know that you can do this'.
To tell you the truth, I really don't know what to believe that would be the right thing to accomplish my summer goals.
Biggest Hug Back to You!!! ((((((((((Laurie))))))))))
Everything is ok for me. I have just moved house and am enjoying my new area and being back in London again. Being away from our marital home is helping me not to be reminded of everything all the time, however I do still miss h - a lot.
I sense a lot of fear in your posts jojo. Are you scared of pushing him away? I decided a few weeks ago to be a friend and do what a friend would do and that has meant several contacts per week at the moment. Some on his part, some on mine. I have been feeling the fear and doing it anyway If something backfires, I will just back off again.
I'm going to push you on your goals a bit...
This Month's Goals:
1.) Continue to go dark. (visualizing the future when I won't have to go dark as much...nice!) - what will be happening when you are no longer dark - what will A be doing and what will you be doing. How are you going to come out of the dark? 2.) Still working on myself. - by doing what? a.) emotional strength - how are you going to gain more emotional strength? I get mine from keeping busy, not focusing too much on h (my PMA goes way down when I do this). When I do focus on h I focus on all the positive strides I make. Making a new life for myself so that if h doesn't decide to come back I will be ok. b.) beauty (spiritual, emotional, physical) - What are you doing to achieve this? - going for facials? Having pampering time? I am in the midst of decorating my bedroom with gorgeous flower fairy lights. It looks very girly and gorgeous 3.) Read more of God's Promises. (makes me feel good) 4.) Think and feel more positively. - what are you going to do to think more positivly 5.) Challenge myself to continue jogging (less walking and more jogging). - I'm going to take up jogging but I need help with motivation. Fancey being my jogging motivational buddy? I am going out on Saturday morning for my first run. If I don't report that I have done it - tell me off 6.) sign up for classes for the Fall...(did I say Fall?...ick) - if you sign up for classes and they are fun and exciting it might help with the icky feeling. What kind of thing are you looking to do? 7.) making a plan to re-connect with A on the 7/23 (I'll see how I feel) hoping he will call me...try not to get hopes up too high. Want to take care of myself. - why the 23rd? Do you have a reason? I find with my h that if I ask a direct question 'hiya, do you have an address for so-and-so? BTW how are you? How's thing's?' it works better and also protects your heart a little from being hurt.
Dear JCJ: You are awesome! You are such an encouraging spirit.
My brother-in-law (A's brother) lives in Bristol. I have never been to the U.K., although I have seen it in my books in school. I studied architecture / arch history. I was hoping to go to visit my b-i-l soon, but my plans have now are to go to California with my parents to visit my family out there. Some day I will get to Europe. I am getting my pass port as we speak.
Answer 1: A will be pursuing more and I will be involved developing my life with my friends and interests. We will both have our own identity, but come together and enjoy each other's company. Coming out of the dark depends on A. I'm still testing where my boundaries are with him. Answer 2: I have been going to the gym, going to a hypnotist and an acupunctur(ist?) and a Dr. to have more motivation and enery ... feel better about my 'own' life with or without A. Answer 3: developing being more self-assured. focusing on confidence (keeping a journal of accomplishments) I get a mani/pedicure once a month. I also get my hair cut once a month. I've lost 8 lbs. I eat better. Putting my cobblestone front walk in by myself. Bought new clothes. And I make plans with my friends, and I am cultivating new friends. Answer 4: Reading the Bible, being around positive people, having reminders around to help me feel grateful, catching myself when I want to say something negative and switch to more positive thoughts and feelings. Answer 5: Jogging is interesting. I feel silly, but I made a goal to make it around the block without stopping to walk. So far, still doing both. Answer 6: I am probably going to go back to school to further my career. Although, my sister-in-law wants to take a nutritional cooking class. Answer 7: Well, a three week going dark period is what 'the best ever dbing counsellor' and I developed a while ago to give A a chance to pursue me and be able to feel less panicked. Then I wanted to take some risks with him, but I'm not clear if that got our R anywhere. He has been pretty positive whenever I have contacted him, but just when I t hink we are going to finally turn a R corner, we take 3 steps back. All I know is that I have to have a light-hearted spirit when I talk to him. I am getting there...
Still, the whole thing boggles my mind. I still can't understand some of his (A's ) decisions and the people he hangs out with. July 31 is my birthday. I was hoping for so much more by then. Maybe he senses something. Why he shows up, shows a desire to connect, and then disappears drives me nuts. I am wondering if he is working on his emotional connection or if he prefers to remain safe discarding the ones he has an emotional bond with.
1.) Contacted A today via text message. a.) I think it was neutral (not sure)... at least he txt me back. It seemed like the minimum though.
Me: Hi...! How are you? A: I'm doing great, thanks? (he didn't say 'how are you'. I was sad about that.) Me: Are you busy? A: I'm working. (I said, hmmmm? I hate texting) Me: Selling lots? A: I'm selling hardly anything.
I left it at that. I have this terrible feeling that there has been negative repercussions because of my actions.
I want to ask him what is happening. It seemed as though he was going to include me in his world more often and connect with me, but now he seems very distant. I'm not sure what to do any more. I'm afraid that if I didn't contact him, he would not look for me anymore.
I'm not sure about this going dark stuff anymore. It doesn't seem to have the outcome that is leading us anywhere.
Maybe... A, how do I go about having more of a friendly connection with you? ...
maybe that would be 180 or is he expecting that?
today, I had to go to my psycologist. I only go to him for him to prescribe my anti-depressants. Today, he told me that it was obvious that A isn't going to ever come back or want anything more with me. See what I mean ... so I sit there and be quiet. When I told my friend, J, what happened at the office, he told me 'it's not over yet'. See ... now that is encouragment.
Hi ... when did you say you were coming back? I suppose we should have talked about who would be an 'alternate Laurie' while you were gone.
I'm not feeling too sure of myself, and I'm not feeling too positive from the last little text connect we had. Being the fact that it will be my birthday at the end of this week, I'm not feeling very hopeful toward achieving my goals.
I don't understand where I went wrong. He was calling me more often a year ago last Spring. Then he took me out for my birthday last year. Last Fall, he was calling me about every three weeks. Did I overwhelm him?
I need to know what steps I can take to get back on track. These little text messages are not good anymore. I'm worried that he won't contact me on my birthday. i really thought we'd be doing something and connecting more often by now. what happened?
1.) Feeling good about my life. a.) Going to gym b.) Eating better c.) Going out with friends after work...laughing d.) Getting great feed back from everyone e.) lost weight f.) making plans to sell house and buy condo g.) making plans to go back to school & travel h.) going to California soon to visit family i.) remembering God always, tryiing to remain focused on him
2.) But... I'm anxious about the regression in R with A a.) My birthday is coming up and feeling that he is distancing b.) I'm asking myself, 'what if he doesn't contact me on my birthday'. I can't believe he wouldn't, but this feeling makes me want to pursue him more. I haven't since the brief texting a few days ago.
Hey ... A ... I was wondering ... if you could give me a small hint on how someone goes about having a friendly connection with you...because I honestly would like to learn some pointers.
I know we are both happy and busy with our lives right now and the new friends that we have made...but...I think that it would be really nice to share some time hanging out and having plain fun with you . . . I simply enjoy your company . . . and I think that's a good thing...that’s all.
lots of fun. 
If something backfires, I will just back off again.