Hmmm, consistency that's an interesting concept I think because I seem to sway a little between being detached and being warm, friendly and upbeat.
On the way to the formal the other night there were a few silences as we drove. I tried to sit back and not think of them as negatives. Before long, I discovered they weren't negatives at all. They were opportunities to allow H to initiate conversation and he did! Always learning, I guess and certainly learning that saying less can very definitely be more!
I've noticed that the more I learn to 'shut up' the more I hear what he has to say and the more that I realise I agree with what he says.
It's interesting now that the 'heat' is out of our relationship we are enjoying our conversations more. He's just been texting me. It started with topic about S and then moved to more general stuff. Think we're both feeling more relaxed but I am closing the conversations we have just so I don't look too anxious.
It's not so easy being a good listener, is it? I've seen people who you could tell were not really listening to what you had to say and see their minds thinking of the next thing "they" were going to say!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Go with the flow, if he is happy texting then text. DOn't close for the sake of it. I really don't think it will look like pursuing or anxious. I doubt you are coming across like that in your texts. Relaxed is good
Sandi, I really think I've been guilty of that one! I have been trying for a while to really listen before I think of the next thing to say.
I'm feeling pretty good about the progress we are making now. The dinner the other night made me realise that we have lots in common, that we really do have lots to talk about and we were pretty comfortable. I think this dinner was a real breakthrough because it was his decision and it was a pressure free evening but I have to admit patience is almost as big a challenge to me as shutting up!
I think the texts are relaxed and he keeps responding which is positive. Previously he would take a long time to respond and it would mostly be 'ok' or 'yes' or 'no'. I just don't want him to think I am trying to keep the texts going. that might be the text equivalent of me not shutting up!
I truly believe that working at keeping the atmosphere "relaxed" and if possible...fun, is the secret. I know it's hard to have fun when things are not good in a R, but that's where watching funny movies and things like that can help bring a laugh. However, not talking about the R will help the WAS more than anything. If the S is tensed up b/c of thinking you are going to spring a R talk any moment.....that causes a lot of tension. It's kind of getting their trust that they can relax and enjoy the peace & quite when they are with their LBS.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It is challenging for me not to have a R talk because my natural personality is to be quite task orientated and I like to know what direction I am taking.
However, I haven't even gone close to a R discussion in months and months. It was at dinner the other night that I finally thought I had broken a barrier with him and we had a really enjoyable evening.
