Newbie (again)

[dday101798]

Heh, guess I ahve a new little issue. I respectfuly declined the offer to stop by for a drink today sighting that I just maybe see the kids tonight as something weird is going. Friend that invited me over then asked if I ahd called S12 this morning. I said no, not much sense since I don't know where they are ot and most likely XW is not around them as I have to go through her phone.

Friend negatively repsonded, well why don't they have a phone where yuo can reach them, what the heck is that, why do you have to go through her, that's so messed up, yadda yadda yadda.

And, I snapped. I guess I've subliminally weeded out those who only reflect back on the divorce and belittle XW. I'm sick of hearing about it. I'm sick of being around people who just want to talk about THAT. XW divorced me, not anyone else, let it be already for pete's sake. They didn't have to endure first hand what I did. I don't have to endure what I do everyday as a result.

Ugh. I know I already catagorized those that support(ed) or acceptted the affair as people I don't need in my life and that's quite a few as it is. Well, maybe the same approach I just took with this one is all it takes for one by one people to get the hint.

Anyway,

I texted XW beforehand that I was sorry for not calling S12 back last night as I was busy trying to get my cousin's van fixed and back to him and ran late. No reply (what a shock)

[dday101798]

Uhhhyvey, does it ever end?

So, while at dinner last night I caracked and texted XW as to what was going on with registering the kids for school today. Long story short I was getting nervous she was weazeling her way out of it.

We finally agreed to do it this morning versus in the afternoon.

So on the way to the school, I think I dang near had a heart attack from the stress of it all. Have no idea why I should feel stressed, this is a good thing.

So I get there just before 7 as we agreed, and after a few minutes she show up with OM driving her. Give me a break, you live 4 stinking blocks from the school, you really needed a ride?

We went in after a quick smoke and she FINALLY gave me back not only my birth records, but S11's (I think) and I do believe a copy of our M certificate, didn't really look as about ready to upchuck from the tension. OM drove off.

Registration went somewhat smooth paperwork wise. We were civil with each other the whole time otherwise. But as I was pacing around I noticed OM came back and was just sitting there in his car. After we verified we submitted everything we needed, I asked the clerk, "ok, now we're divorced and have joint parenting" [XW's face drops] "and what do I need to do as far as establishing a means of being notified of everything concerning the kids as she has residential custody?" Well, got my answers, but that seemed to strike a chord with XW once again, what don't like being D'd? Bit my tongue when the clerk was making talk and asked how our summer was goin thus far. XW put her charm face on "Good", I just shrugged and said to my self "pretty lousy seeing that I just got divorced!".

Anyway, it cam down to the finacials, looks like I'm probably eating the entire cost instead of 50/50. XW says she'll write me a check, we'll see. Plus if it has OM's name on it I'll probably burn it on sight.

Anyway we went to leave and have a smoke, as I opened the door I couldn't help but ask "so does your 'chauffer' wait for you everywhere you go?". She sort of sighed and said she told him she'd meet hime at "home". Whatever, she got atleast two text messages while we were doing the paperwork. Nice, atleast she's on a leash for once, get a taste of her own medicine.

So more of the same financial talk ensued, I mentioned I might have a solid line a part timer for the nights. Looks like the Navy won't pan out due to age and mass enrollment right now. I showed her my hands from working on my cousin's van the other day, they're pretty grusome from blisters. She said she had noticed earlier, I said, well yeah, literally working my fingers to the bone to make ends meet.

In summary with out much detail, she's broke, I'm broke. She's miserable, I'm miserable. I told her my cousin and I are getting into a real hard spot and really falling behind on things quickly and I don't know what to do anymore. She still tried to continue to one up me on everything being worse for her. I bit my tongue again and for once did not throw my usual comment of 'well, you got what you wanted'. Her expression said it all for me that she's come to the conclusion that the easy way out isn't so easy after all.

I don't know. We parted ways and that was that.

I read threw a lot of my old posts yesterday to prepare myself for this. After all the putrid, nasty, deplorable and disrespectful things this woman has done to me, there's still something there. I really wanted to go in there cheery and upbeat and put on a show, but I just couldn't do it. I don't think she deserves it. I don't need to make myself attractive to this woman anymore, she divorced me, I feel better with her knowing she's destroyed me, done exactly everything she said she wouldn't do.

And once again, her face and tone loud and clear said she knows it and is sorry.

I don't know, she has plumped back up to her 'pre-S' weight quickly.

[smith18]

Hi dday -

I think as time goes by, a lot of these emotional feelings of anger, resentment, regret, and the connection you still have for her will slowly fade. And with that will come some friendship which is great for coparenting.

Sorry to hear about your financial woes. I am hoping you can get some breaks and recover. Look long term like 5 years to get back to where you were.

[NoCodeBlues]

Sorry, DDAy,

I don't know why these WAW's think that all the financial and lifestyle sacrifices are going to be any easier in two separate households as opposed to just the one. It never ceases to amaze me how they continue to try to run from the inevitable reality check. And then, when one of the continual aftereffects of their poor decision-makings drops on top of them, to see their astonished reactions and denials.

[dday101798]

Thanks guys.

I don't understand it at all either NCB. I mean our finances were tight as was, what in the world was she thinking, oh yeah that's right, she wasn't.

She sure does realize it now I'll tell ya. And I can't stand it. I can't stand how it's affecting all of us. Almost everytime I talk to the boys, they are having grilled cheese and soup for dinner. I can't believe I feel this way, but I wish she'd leave OM for someone more financially fit. I mean, I gave her the CS check early today since I was writing a check out for the school, then asked when I'd have her 50% of the registration fees back, she said she doesn't get paid til next week, and maybe could give me a check. Umm, hello! What did I just give you? It's a shame she gets the CS the same weekend I have them as I know a good chunk of that money is spent before they are returned Sunday night.

AGGGGH! My cell phone has rang 3 times, in 3 hours and all 3 calls are debt collectors. 5 years Kerry, I don't think so. Hell 5 months will the holidays, and looks like we aren't having holidays this year. Bad enough I won't see my kids on half of them anyway. I don't even want to go 5 more days like this. I bit my tongue on saying to XW that I wish her father would follow through on his threat and have me "taken care of".

Kerry, as far the feelings and especially the connection go, I'm not ready to let those fade away and doubt I will. At the current moment and why I gave up on trying to date, is plain and simple, for some stupid reason I still want the impossible. After all that's been said and done, I can not bear to look at XW and see how scared she is and not do anything about it. It just doesn't feel right.

[dday101798]

I'm really starting to get the notion I may just have to start another thread in the WAW section again for some insight on things lately.

XW (and boys for the matter re0reading this) is acting as if she's screaming something out with no voice and I just don't get it.

First off the name change (as a "courtesy to me"), the open apology and remorse for all this happening, the random day here and there spending her breaks at work texting me. Now, finally giving me my vitals documents I've been asking for since last September. Also yesterday when were at the school one of the teachers was loading up a bean bag box game in her car, and I had the ones I made on the list of things I still wanted back from the house but gave up on, and she said she had them now for me to pick up.

Then last night the boys call, S12 is upset that I didn't register him by my house for school and was very mouthy with XW while I spoke with S11. S11 is upset because he was bored as it was raining outside and he has nothing to do. Wanted me to go to "our house" and remove all of his belongings, BUT, bring them by my house? S11 also said XW retrieved my lawn chair (my portable fireworks throne) from her car and has it for me.

Then XW got on the phone. I had realized on the way home from work that I had not thanked XW for keeping the boys in their school, that really means a lot. So, I took advantage of the opportunity and did so, just said "I meant to say this morning thank you very much for keeping them here, it really means a lot to me, the thought of them being so far away was very nerving and would have been hard on me, I appreciate it very much". Thre was a moment of silence that seemed to last a eternity, and XW somberly replied, 'yea, well', something to that extent as she was so quiet.

I just don't know. For now, I guess all that can be done is to just let it ride and not poke, prod or pick at it. If and when she's ready to say what is on her mind, she will. My cousin is fairly certain XW wants out of the mess she made but is trapped with OM financially and by way of the agreements.

I want to say it's karma doing it's thing. She's miserable, I'm miseable, and the kids are clearly rebelling on her. Only time will tell. Then the first real question will be how she intends to undo the mess that was made and correct all the lies and stories she fabricated. Maybe I'm just being humbily optomisitc?

[mishka422]

I just don't know. For now, I guess all that can be done is to just let it ride and not poke, prod or pick at it. If and when she's ready to say what is on her mind, she will. My cousin is fairly certain XW wants out of the mess she made but is trapped with OM financially and by way of the agreements.

She will speak when she's ready and, depending on her degree of stubbornness, you may never hear those words. She sounds like she's miserable, yes, but you know you can't fix it for her. She has to make her way out of it all on her own and in her own time. The more you analyze her actions, the more stuck you will be.

I'm going ask something that I'm sure you've thought about, I'm curious what your answer will be though.

Let's say she calls you today and says something to the effect of, "I've made so many mistakes and so many bad decisions but I love you and want our family together. Will you take me back?" I feel I know your answer would be yes, however, with the financial and living situation you both are in would that even be possible right now? The possibility of ressurecting the R depends on the stressors associated with it. The stressors you are facing now would not magically disappear if she returned. Could you handle that?

Just bringing up the practicalities....I know it's not very romantic of me, but that's the realist in me coming out. I've seen a lot of people fail because they don't look at the big picture.

Hugs to you dday!

[dday101798]

Thanks Mish!

Yes, I have thought about it. And by way of protecting myself, I have not made a definative plan of action as that would be establishing an expectation.

That said. If that were to happen, believe me, my response would be with the big picture in mind. So much has been done that anyone else would probably have themselves commited for even thinking of taking her back. She has destroyed every and all ability for me to instil trust in anyone. Friendships and family relations are horribly damaged, some perhaps beyond repair.

So, hypethetically, I would say we would first have to re-establish our friendship obviously. All the while, these damages are hers to repair. S12 continually asks me who they are with on what day for the holidays this year, and what to do about those when they are not with either Xw or me. Thus, I know he does the same to her ten times over and that has to be slowly killing her. She would also have to rid her and the boys alike of OM and his entire family, period for ever, no exceptions. That one there is what she claimed killed it for her on New Years.

There certainly would not be an immediate living arrangement at all as the above items would have be demonstrated and upheld for quite some to restore my turst enough to even concider it. Also, there is no room at my cousin's for them so to speak, and there is no way in the world I will ever set foot in the house that she lived her life out for the past year with OM. I don't care if you told me there was a million dollars in non sequencial bills in there, no way no how will ever go in that house or "our" house EVER again.

Then, there is the health concerns of her lifestyle for the past year. Since she's been on "the shot" I would presume the do not use condoms which is really cute since they have a "open relationship". So needless to say I will have intamicy issues with her from get go one due to that and she will have to get herself checked rather frequently.

These things are just brushing the surface and would prohibit any possiblity of an immediate R. At this point in the game, it would be a whole new R all together. A whole new life. The S and D have completely stripped us down of all our belongings. And, I don't think either of us would want any of it back anyway.

Hindsight thinking of all this, I guess I can see why she chose the option she did. It's a lot of work. And perhaps she does not have the will to it, thus, no expectations.

There could be the option that perhaps all that is going on is she wants out of her R with OM. And in doing so, she knows she can not support herself and the boys. So maybe just maybe what is on her mind is merely just reversing the residential custody? That would be the easier and possibly doable option. Maybe she thought everything was under control on my end financially and our current talks of how I may be out on my butt tomorrow presses her back to have to be with OM?

I just know there's no way in the world she is happy with her life now and she has voiced that part several times over the course of this. She has in turn backed herself into a corner.

I WILL NOT help her out of it to most extent. This is her mess and hers alone.

I have no qualms being quietly "stuck". I am and have been and in being so, am no good for anyone else at the moment.

[mishka422]

As long as you are working toward being unstuck in the future, that is all that matters.

It sounds like you have looked at all the possibilities and outcomes so that is good. The emotion attached to the R can overwhelm you in an instant if the WAS rears their head and musters hope that the R can be rebuilt. Since you have already explored your feelings on the 'big picture' issues, you should be safe from that.

[dday101798]

At this point, no amount of changes, no amount of therapy, wonder drugs or new people can do only what time can.

So in time I trust if it's meant to be, then it's meant to be. In time I trust that if it's completely unsalvagable, then it is.

And perhaps that is the best way to go about it. I need time either way. I need time to overcome the evil things she's done to either make it easier to accept her back in my life if that is what she so wishes, or to let her go if she does not.

I WILL NOT, be strung along. I WILL NOT be used. And I WILL NOT make hurried choices that I will regret later.

Over-analyzation, can't help it, that is who I am. But, I have no expectations of anything, you can't unless you just want more misery upon yourself later. And I've had enough misery.