Cake eating WAW in MLC and EA part 2

[CABBR]

Thanks Alex. Will do.

I felt like asking last night, so why are you doing this again...?

Was it because I put too much butter in the cream cheese frosting of the scratch carrot cake I usually make for your birthday? (Of course this will confirm everyone's opinion of me here as being hopelessly co-dependent.)

[CABBR]

Puppy,Greek

What are your thoughts on going on vacation with my kids to my W's family's lake compound? I 've been going there for 23 years. the kids love it. I can probably avoid my SIL while I'm there. (She may not even be there at the same time.) Or should I just find something else to do with the kids?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I would do whatever YOU want to do. If you enjoy it, and your kids enjoy it, then you should go. If you'd be doing it just to "not rock the boat" or "not make her angry" or something, then I'd say no, do something different.

I do think, however, that if you DO go, you should also consider scheduling something for JUST you and the kids soon.

Puppy

[CABBR]

I would do whatever YOU want to do. If you enjoy it, and your kids enjoy it, then you should go. If you'd be doing it just to "not rock the boat" or "not make her angry" or something, then I'd say no, do something different.

I do think, however, that if you DO go, you should also consider scheduling something for JUST you and the kids soon.

Puppy

Thanks Puppy. I have some ideas about things I can do with the kids. They will be excited to go to the lake, but I'm still undecided. There is a community of friends that I get along with well, but my SIL can be quite meddling and I want this vacation to be my time with my boys. I'm definitely not considering going to the lake to not rock the boat or avoid getting my W angry. She is just full speed ahead on the D. If anything it would be seen as pretty brazen given that my wife is filing. At this point, I'm pretty sure she would prefer that I not go. I've got to give it some more thought.

My lawyer told me that we should not let the court decied on temporary custody issues and money. That once we see the "proposal" from my W's attorney that we will negotiate something. Isn't this also capitulating? Is th eide to burn the financial house to the ground on principal or cut the best deal you can given the hand your dealt?

Cabbr

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think the difference between "negotiating" and "capitulating" is a question of DEGREE.

It depends on what your exposure is, if it goes to court. For example, if I were to D my wife, I'd be staring at permanent alimony in my state. So, if we can do so amicably, I'd be better off with mediation and seeing if I can get a 5- or 10-year tiered alimony arrangement set up and agreed to.

Know what you want, know what the risks and likely outcomes would be if it went to court as "contested," and negotiate from there. But no, don't capitulate -- esp. considering your history of doing so.

Puppy

[robx]

Thanks Alex. Will do.

I felt like asking last night, so why are you doing this again...?

Was it because I put too much butter in the cream cheese frosting of the scratch carrot cake I usually make for your birthday? (Of course this will confirm everyone's opinion of me here as being hopelessly co-dependent.)

I don't know about hopelessly co-dependant but I can tell you that it isn't very masculine, it's very feminine and that isn't going to generate attraction in your walk away wife.

No more baking cakes, gifts and any other such non-sense.
Your wife wants a real man and she'll find one somewhere else unless you start showing that you are a real man.

[robx]

I would do whatever YOU want to do. If you enjoy it, and your kids enjoy it, then you should go. If you'd be doing it just to "not rock the boat" or "not make her angry" or something, then I'd say no, do something different.

I do think, however, that if you DO go, you should also consider scheduling something for JUST you and the kids soon.

Puppy

Thanks Puppy. I have some ideas about things I can do with the kids. They will be excited to go to the lake, but I'm still undecided. There is a community of friends that I get along with well, but my SIL can be quite meddling and I want this vacation to be my time with my boys. I'm definitely not considering going to the lake to not rock the boat or avoid getting my W angry. She is just full speed ahead on the D. If anything it would be seen as pretty brazen given that my wife is filing. At this point, I'm pretty sure she would prefer that I not go. I've got to give it some more thought.

My lawyer told me that we should not let the court decied on temporary custody issues and money. That once we see the "proposal" from my W's attorney that we will negotiate something. Isn't this also capitulating? Is th eide to burn the financial house to the ground on principal or cut the best deal you can given the hand your dealt?

Cabbr

You will never get more than you ask for so always ask for the best.

If your lawyer is already in the mode that you've lost and you should sign whatever your wife throws at you and keep it kind & polite with her otherwise she'll take you to the cleaners, speak to your lawyer and set him straight and that if that's all he's there for is to help you sign documents, that it's not good enough for you and you will start looking for other lawyers.

Men need to stand up for themselves.

You need to speak up.

Women have so much power nowadays because it was given to them because they fought for it. Whatever is worth the price is worth the fight.

I mentioned it to you already, the courts should be deciding in the best interests of the children. How old are your kids? Are you documenting the effects that she has on them? Are you writing it down? You mentioned that your son has noticed that she doesn't eat meals with him, she is always out shopping - are you making note of this? It does make a difference if you make it that way.

Plus you sound like business guy of sorts, work in an office, some sort of sales/mgmt position,etc. Can't you work a few days from home, vpn into work, etc. I do it all the time, 2 days a week at least, if you aren't doing this, you should be looking into it. This way you have an argument that you can work from home and that would allow you the ability to have the kids for 50% of the time or more.

Clarity.

When I stopped asking for everything else from God, I asked for clarity, I asked him "help me see things, give me clues along the way, give me ideas, am I going in the right direction, etc."

Clarity.

Start opening your eyes and seeing the situation, make note of the things in your environment, make note of the effect on your children, make note of that fact that she is spending less time with them and the effect on them, make note of her general attitude towards you, make note of her crap spending habits and irresponsible behavior.

Stop being a victim.

If your dumb ass lawyer won't do what's necessary to defend you & your rights as a human being (not man or woman), find another one. Find a lawyer, consult with him, and ask him what lawyer he would hire if his wife came after him and was as unreasonable as yours. Tell them that you won't just die and submit to every request and sign over everything you have - you have rights and they must be recognized. If you are being penalized because your wife is cheating on you, there is something wrong with this legal system: get up, get involved, do some research and stop presenting yourself as this ineffectual defeatist who has no options and will lose the fight.

Your thoughts manifest your actions which manifest how you live your life - get a handle on this TODAY!

[CABBR]

Thanks Rob and Puppy. I appreciate the insights.

Believe me, I'm not baking cakes these days. But some women appreciate men who can cook. It's not something that really defines who I am. I also fix cars and fly airplanes and can bench 200 lbs.

I'm not sure how proactive or aggressive my lawyer is just yet. I'll have a better feel once we see what my W is offering and what my lawyer believes is attainable. My lawyer is not in the mode that I've lost because she was OK with my cutting off the money. She just wanted to be able to show that I wasn't being unreasonable, which the financial records support.

My kids are 6 and 9 and I have a good and close relationship with both of them. I spend a lot of time with them and have always been there. I like the idea of working from home. There are people in my company that do a fair bit of that and I see no reason why I couldn't do the same. And yes, I am keeping an extensive journal documenting every time my son says something about my wife not being around as well as the money and everything else.

Thanks again Rob.

Cabbr

[CABBR]

Today the whole family spent the day at our friends' lake home. I was shocked my wife wanted to come along especially in view of the conversation we had last night. Everyone had a nice time and the kids really enjoyed it. boating, kayaking, and tubing.

The night before my W asked me when she could take the kids to the lake we've been going to for 23 years. She doesn't want me to be there and made clear her family isn't too interested in seeing me either. So I'll have to figure out something else to do with the kids for vacation.

She wants to take them for two weeks and I told her I'd have to think about it but we otherwise agreed on a start date. Even though the kids would enjoy themselves, I'm not really keen on having them away for two weeks because in another few months my living and custody situation may be drastically different.

My W still maintains this holier than thou attitude about the EA. Said she was having fun. But made clear she doesn't give a $h!t what I think. I said clearly. she asked me how I thought exposing would help our relationship, I said very simply that I would do anything to eliminate a threat to our marriage. She was getting more and more agitated as she spoke.

The ironic thing is she admitted that OM and his W are going to counseling and that one positive outcome is that they seem to be getting back on track. So, I'm like why are you so mad?

Her primary concern now is about my anger in dealing with our kids about this - says she's very worried about it. And I say well I'm not the one who's angry and if you can't speak to me civilly then I don't want to continue the conversation. I told her I was still fighting for this family and the marriage and she was totally dismissive of any hope of Reonciliation.

She said I would be served in a few days and that I forced it on her because I cut off the money. Said I had no right to take the rent income, etc. I said what are you talking about? I'm still supporting you - just not your lifestyle.

She brought up her support of me going to schoool 15 years ago and her considerable financial contribution to the marriage. I said that was at a point when we were both committed to the marriage and neither of us was squandering marital assets. Ugh.

Cabbr.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

CABBR,

I'd be very hesitant to agree to a 2-week vacation of the kids away from you. A family court may see that as some sort of precedent, and there's no reason why she should be calling all the shots here.

Puppy