Unstoppable

[dday101798]

Hi NoCode,

I know you feel the exposure is wrong an dthis person should have no involvmemt in your children's lives at this time. Trust me, my XW up and moved in with OM, just like that, no 'break in period', nothing. My boys went from a family of their mother, father and them, to the craziness it all is today. And If you'd like, go ahead and search up my threads, I, like you was infuriated by that.

But where did that get me? Nowhere.

I was determined to fight tooth and nail for those kids for the betterment of a family enviornment. Where did that get me? Nowhere.

It was a hard, hard choice to make, but seing the pain in my kids eyes due to the constant bickering and fighting over them, and the fact as you may know, it gets ugly in that courtroom and my XW was determined to deplore me as person and I almost lost all right to my kids, I just did exactly as you are pondering. I folded, I gave in to what she felt was the right thing for everyone.

Since, my kids have thanked me whole heartedly for not subjecting them to anymore. My kids know this is not what I wanted, but they know I as their father made a huge sacrafice for their well-being. And mostly, my kids know that should they ever not be comfortable with XW and OM should they marry as they proclaim to be, the custody agreement is no different than any other piece of paper and CAN be changed.

Also, in respects to XW, now that I gave her what she "wanted", guess what? She's realizing more and more everyday and thus has said, this isn't what she wanted. And we were hard fought through and through just as you.

I am not telling you what to do, merely stating I was exactly in the same position not too long ago myself and hopefuly providing you some insight to the question you posed. For me, letting it go allowed me to truly start to heal, it gave my kids peace, and although this is a new development, allows my XW and I a re-newed chance at being friends with each other, and who knows?

For me, continuing the fight was more unhealthy for EVERYONE versus my kids exposure to OM. It also nearly destroyed me in every sense, I am now left nothing, no house, and only 5 boxes of my possesions and a ton of attorney's fees. And, as with any other instant relationship, it won't last long. Chin up.

As far as legal action to bar OM from the kids, complete waste of time and money. You can, as I did have it worded that no one of the oposite sex stay overnight aside from a fiance or spouse. In my case taht is there with the intent that OM bolts, I can then limit who is around them afterward. It's a goofy system.

[oldtimer]

I'm not suggesting that you excuse, endorse, or sing praises about anything having to do with your X's LL. My suggestion is that it is none of your business unless your children are genuinely at physical or emotional risk sufficient for legal remedy. Otherwise, set it aside.

[NoCodeBlues]

It's been a while since I last posted an update.

I had a great day last week volunteering to be one of the den leaders at S8's Cub Scout day camp. All in all he had a great week of fun, and earned some achievements in Archery and Marksmanship that will give him a leg up when he joins back up with his Bear cub den in September.

I got a curious email from xW this evening, two actually. I've been stealthily been keeping tabs on her through mutual contacts as she gathers affidavits against me for the custody hearing. And so I have been stealing myself up against the worst.

Then she sent me the following (paraphrased):

NCB,

I would be willing to agree to the 7 day schedule by S8's request if you can take the last sep. agreement & take out everything that is not related to the custody schedule including the requirement to live within 10 miles of each other. It would be up to the parent that moved to get the kids to school. We should add in the request for a parenting coordinator to decide whatever the lawyers say they are allowed to decide if we can't agree. Make it very simple, then we can do the child support separately. I'm actually afraid the judge will decide to go with the standard response which would be much less time with you than I am asking for. I would love it, but the kids would be dissappointed. I'm glad you have taken an interest in them. I don't think you should let them watch violent anime from "Adult Swim" That is something a parenting coordinator can help with. I am willing to abide by their decision. I don't want to have to stand before a judge & say negative things about you. I haven't smeared or bashed you to your family & friends & certainly not to your children. I want them to respect all authority & cutting you down undermines their opinion of ALL adults. I WILL NOT do this. If we go to court I will be forced to do this & the idea is repugnant to me. I wanted a very private dissolution of our dead marriage. You refused to agree to that when you quit mediation. I'm making one more attempt to provide for a civil solution.

Thank you.

xW

My first take is that I see her core objective whether she's taking me to court or not is to gain the ability to be able to move off with our sons as she sees fit -- that's what her stated terms concerning the "10 miles" clause is all about. She still fantasizes about moving off to the other side of the county more than an hour away to live with the OM and taking our S's with her.

I now take everything she says with a big grain of salt -- especially when she goes spouting off crazy nonsense like this stuff concerning "Adult Swim" (WTF?) and how she wants to make like she hasn't already slandered me before friends, family and neighbors alike. Yeah, riiiiiiight.

Still, I would like a chance for peace. I would like to avoid this all-consuming and very costly court battle that is approaching. I want to spare our S's the untold acrimony that will ensue once this gets cranked up. But can I really trust her to make good on her word? How long before she's back to screwing me over again and trying to take advantage of my good will? Or even taking me back to court anyway later down the road? There's certainly nothing to stop her from doing that, right?

I don't trust her, and I know I can never really trust her ever again -- not really. Still there comes a point where I have to place my faith in God and allow Him to do His work. This is hard.

I sent a response to xW that I would take this under advisement and talk to my L first.

..

And then I got this second email that just really has me wondering what kind of game xW is playing. xW made a request to me to add her as a friend in FB. That is just plain weird. I don't get her.

The suspicious side of me-- the part of me that has now learned to be quite wary of her motives -- thinks that maybe she'd like to be able to get some inside info on what's going on with me through the alternate universe, possibly thinking she can find some dirt on me. I have nothing to hide as it turns out, so I wouldn't care either way except it's the principle of the thing. I know she's a newbie on FB and has no details for me to gather intel from, but my own profile goes back about two years or so.

I've made no response, as this is another thing to ponder over for a while before I do.

Any thoughts?

[kat727]

Just a quick drop by. Your ex is not your friend. I believe should would use everything she possibly could against you. The fact that you have friends that are women, see all this activity...he must be on here all the time rather than with the boys, etc. I wouldn't accept it. Either ignore the request or turn it down.

I am sorry that you are going through so much BS. You would have thought it would be done once the D was over but they just don't stop, do they?

Hang in there. kat

[NoCodeBlues]

Hi, Kat, those are very good points. However, xW's sister has been "friends" on FB for a long time now -- if xW wanted to keep tabs on me through her sister she certainly could -- and I have no reason to believe xW wouldn't have already.

The weird thing is that somehow xW has already been made my friend; I got a message that she accepted my offer to be friends -- How did that happen?!?!! I didn't send any such request! I think I need to contact tech support at FB and get this straightened out.

Now I could simply cut off the "friend" connection with xW, but that would definitely be seen as offensive. But perhaps that is what I need to do anyway. Like you said, my xW is not my friend.

[karen43]

I agree with Kat. She's not your friend. I wouldn't trust her either. She hasn't earned your trust. Sorry to be so negative, but I think the more you can just try to ignore her the better. I think your short polite response was perfect. I would try to keep that up and not even email back if you don't have to on some. If she ever acts like a real friend to you for a long period of time, that would be different, but I don't think she's ever done that recently anyway. Karen

[cat03]

you don't really want her reading your posts on FB do you? I wouldnt either if x had a page, we are business partners, business being the kids, nothing else... best keep it that way.

[NoCodeBlues]

Not that I have anything to hide, but no, I don't really care to have xW reading my posts.

All I can say is that there's something seriously wrong with FB when one's ex can create a new account and immediately be privy to your info through some unsanctioned "Friend" connection. I was upset enough about this to write their tech support folks, but I am doubly upset now that they have silently removed the connection without acknowledging the gaff in the first place.

I am now uncertain whether I alone am just flying blind or that xW too can no longer access my info. I think I'm going to take the extra step of blacking her profile altogether, just to be sure.

(Now I am contemplating whether I should block xW's sister too...)

[kat727]

I know you can adjust your privacy so only your friends can see your info. sure they can go through a friend to see your picture but then can go no further. Play with the settings.

kat

[dday101798]

NCB,

Wow, this sounds all too familiar. XW would tell me all the time she wanted to this "civily" and above the standard agreememnt. And everytime I laxed up on issues, BAM! A new surprise 5 minutes before going in front of the judge to deal with.

Your X may have some kindness of heart and actually mean what she says, but, her L certainly does not. My XW always blamed the mudslinging on her L, but yet, where did the "evidence" come from?

Unless there is anything that would depict you as an unfit parent on FB, I wouldn't lose sleep over it.

I will say, monitor what your boys watch and video games they play. That helped me alot, mine weere always begging to play games that I feel in any situation are not suitable for their ages, and yes, XW let's them watch 'adult swim' I certainly do not.

As far as the her moving with OM, ohhhh brother, all too familiar. XW proclaimed the moment the D was done she was moving 2 hours away to the middle of nowhere. I was bound and determined to deter this. Thus, certain 'inconveniences' were instilled in the settlement. If she moved more than 30 miles, all transportation to and from visitation is her responsibility. I get a say-so in the academic evaluation of any school she decides to enroll them in, extra-curricular activity and living situation. Thus thwarting that.

Hindsight 20/20, my XW now see's that even tho she "had her way" and has residential custody and support, what it has done to me as a father and is starting to put some truth to the 'best intentions' she proclaimed prior to the D as I'm now a 72 hour a month parent, down 45% of my income so I can't even have my 3 summer weeks with my boys and need another if not 2 other jobs just to try and get my head above water.

Oh, and back to the FB thing, I strongly believe my XW was reading my posts here, as we would not speak for weeks on end for a while and everytime I would post something nice about her, I'd miraculously be contacted by her, food for thought.