Newbie (again)

[dday101798]

XW being friendly is definitely good!

Is it? What purpose, what does she have to gain now?

S12 had a MAJOR meltdown Saturday morning over all this. He really needs some help. He has serious feelings of resentment against XW that I have told her (as I went through what they are) and have told Xw I would never want either of us to endure.

Of course, in addressing it, to her it's a joke, no big del, "he's going into puberty" is how she writes it off. Right now, they, XW, OM, & our kids are at a fireworks show that does not exist.

Overall had a nice weekend with boys. 'GF' and I are officially done, that was supposed to be a relationship of trust from day one? Yeah, well when you've slept with my father who I hate for life being a pig, you got the backseat ride dear, buh-bye.

Good lord, does this get any weirder? lol

[mishka422]

Excuse me? She slept with your father? Huh???? Whoa......weird!

[dday101798]

Excuse me? She slept with your father? Huh???? Whoa......weird!

Yup, my life is slowly becoming a Jerry Springer show, eh?

So, some things I didn't get in last night:

XW seemed to be having a rough go of reality Thursday night when I picked up the boys. First thing that got her I don't really understand, my cousin had called to say she was going to be out for a little bit but should be back in time for dinner. I told her "no big deal, I'm picking up the boys from 'the ex's". I caught XW's face out of the corner of my turning pale white and just so upset looking, huh?

Then we got into talking about the child support paperwork not being submitted to my work for automoatic withdrawl and I asked her if she could check with her attorney on what the hold up is as they won't return my calls. This seemd to erk her and got her started about finances and how questionable things are looking on where they will live, but she "has til the end of the month to decide, but doesn't want to go downstate and give up her job as life is messed up enough already".

So, in response I got into how mine has been turned upside down financially and told her that it looks like the best option is for me to try the Navy again. I went throught my reasons, feeling like a burden to my cousin, if and when I do get a place of my own it will likely only be a studio apartment of which I refuse to live in any type of apartment and besides, I'll be working all the time so what's the point? So since I have all but 5 boxes of stuff to summarize the last 34 years of my life, it really makes sense to do it.

This prompted the kicker: A full on apology for her doing this. For once, I actaully believe it. I saw the unquestionable uncertanty in her eyes and for once I can safely say she is starting to realize that the grass isn't as green as seemed and by jumping ship and ending the M for OM was not the better option afterall.

OH!, I darn near forgot this!....

As I mentioned, XW had texted me earlier in the day Thursday to say I could pick the boys up before 6 if I wanted. Well, I did my running around and was running a little bit late to get the pictures developed. So with 20 minutes to go before 6 I and dropping the pictures off to be developed I'd just kill a few minutes with a quick beer.

XW then texted asking how long I'd be and if she had time to take a shower before I got there. In light of our 'rekindled friendship feeling' I jokingly texted back "puhleeze go ahead and take a shower" remembering how sweaty she was after being at work as warm as it was. She texted back "what's that supposed mean" and on damage control I replied, just a joke.

So when I'm at the store, I texted XW if she needed anything. She replied back "yes, tampons". I responded knowing she is on the shot and doesn't need these anymore "for real?". She came back with "just joking". Now, I may be looking into this too much but before, if she would have asked, my first and only response to that question woul dhave been 'yes, only because I love you'. So I'm not sure what she was trying to get at, if at all, maybe it's just me overanalyzing.

Anyhow, in explaining all this to my cousin the next morning, she feels the same and that XW is trying to repair some of the deep uderlying damage she's done. Agreed?

My cousin did ask if I'd take XW back if it ever came about. My instant response, of course, it wouldn't be easy, but of course.

XW didn't have much to say when I dropped them off last night as they were "in a hurry to go to a fireworks show". And now we are back to the lies, she went downstate and I know it, why bother lying? So that kind of killed the mood of the weekend, but overall I have some faith that at least we are working on being better friends after all this.

In thinking about that, I do feel great today.

Funny, for half a second Friday morning thinking about the possibility of XW trying to come back, I had the sinister thought of "stealing her back" from OM.

[dday101798]

Oh yeah,

Another odd thing: XW didn't wait long at all to have her name changed back? Why, did it hurt too much to bear? She held her first XH's name the whole time we dated so that her and S12 had the same name. Why does she want to differ from both kids now?

funny, as I started making out the check she was quick to blurt, "oh, I have a different name". All could say was "and it is?" She looked at me goofely and said "my maiden, what else?". I looked over at OM playing with our kids and said "I don't know you tell me?" She made this disapointed look rolling her eyes?

But I dont' get it, why would she spend the money to have her name changed if she's marrying OM anyway?

[dday101798]

just journalizing?

I must say, as tempting and nice as it felt at the time to have someone come along, waht a bad idea that was starting to date new person. I ahd no idea how much it was tampering with my emotions over XW's A and the D and situation with the boys and all. It was obviously the cause of the increased stress lately. Since 'ending it' last Thursday I've been feeling much better, especially in the mornings. The dizziness has subsided and I've actually been able to drive in to the work the alst two days with the radio blaring without being distracted and enjoying life.

For a second I caught myself this morning starting to wane into a negative mood, looked myself dead in the face in the mirror and simply said ;life is good' and went about my way.

"xgf" did send a text last night "so this is how it ends?", I simply replied to take it for what it worth. I have issues, she has issues and it was not very truthful to say the least. Trust is going to be a serious issue with me for quite some time. But, thus that chapter is complete.

Didn't hear anything from boys or XW. It would appear they are still out of town downstate.

Not sure what to do. S11 has all of the sudden resumed his interest in NASCAR racing, I guess trying to follow in my foot steps, I had been a die hard fan since 1981. He lost interest as the M started to fall apart at some point a couple of years ago. I in turn lost interest in realization to that when the D got underway. Now he's back into and rekindled my interest. Anyway, his favorite driver is Tony Stewert, for those that don't follow, he drove the #20 Home Depot car from 1998-2008 exclusively. When we baught the 'new house' (aka the house from hell) and he finally had a room of his own, I painted it in the color scheme of Stewerts car, 8 layers of Home Depot orange so it couldn't chip went on the walls and a checkered flag on the ceiling, he was in heaven. Well, this season, Stewert went on to start his own team and is doing really well, leading the season, which is highly unusual for a new team owner/driver. I had bought S11 a die cast model of his new car as at last minute for S11's b-day. So since the race is being held here in Chicago this week and being excited that S11 is highly interested again, I thought it would be cool to see if we can get to an autograph session and have Stewert sign the car for S11.

Well, it looks like that is going to be a huge tibackle as there is only one location listed where Stewert will be doing autographs and we'd have to be there, in line at 7am to be one of 350 people to get a wristband for a one hour autograph session at 4:30 in the afternoon. What is the deal with that?

So I guess I'm going to have to go back to the drawing board on that. But then again, it doesn't even look like S11 is in town anyway. Maybe I'll spurge a little bit soon and take S11 to one of Stewerts dirt car tracks near by in Indiana.

I think I've rambled on enough. But I will say I feel good and really exercised control to not contact XW yesterday. I really like the way we are starting to interact, but I am not setting myself up for anything major.

[smith18]

Hey DDay -

It sure would be nice if I could get my XW to change her last name.

I think that as long as you have any desire or thoughts of taking your XW back, that dating or having a GF should be off the back burner.

That is awesome what you and your soon are starting to get back a passion for NASCAR.

[dday101798]

hey Kerry,

I'm not sure why she was so quick to change it? I was soooo tempted yesterday to contact her and ask, it is curious. I am going to go with my thought that maybe it hurt her for some reason? Sat on her conscience too much? It is overall just very odd to remove herself in that sense from the kids. Then again, who's to say their names havent been changed as well?

Another oddity in that is that XW & OM were supposed to be running off and getting married as soon as the D went through, so why bother? It would seem that the little wedding must be on hold as the kids haven't said anything about it? All they ever talk about is wanting us all back together, or at least going to dinner or bowling, something like that.

Yeah, XGF isn't taking to kindly to it. But hey, I was completely honest from get go one that I have issues from all this and that I still have feelings for XW. Then to find myself becoming completely miserable again and finaly waking up one morning and asking 'what am I doing with this person, what do I have to offer? What IF the phone rings and it's XW asking for the seemingly impossible?'. Am I going to sit around for the rest of my life like this? No.

XGF asked me to send her a e-mail and I did, reitterating the same old thing. I'm not ready, I need amends. And isn't it funny the same day I back off with XGF, XW has a sudden bend of reality to realize and admit what she did is wrong and gestured at some of those amends without me saying much about it. I don't bother going down the road of the past with XW anymore in conversation, it's pointless, it's over and done with.

OH! and I guess I neglected to mention, when XW apologized, OM was right there on the porch not more than 20 feet away!

So yeah, it was nice for moment there with XGF, but it's not where my heart is and won't be for some time.

I am getting nervous after now 2 days of no contact with XW and I am certain she was lying about the fireworks, Im wondering if it was yet just another act to try and set me back up as a safety net again? The way XW rolled her eyes off in OM's direction and the way she spoke in uncertanty OM must be losing his charm (whatever charm a urban hick caries), I don't know, the atmosphere was weird and I felt and saw aside of her I haven't in some time.

I guess we shall see if interactions continue in that sense. She wasn't quite as sparkling on Sunday when I dropped the boys off, but she was still improved over our usual encounters.

On S11, yeah for a while as when most kids start to realize they are their won little being, we lost some compatability. He, much like XW always heckled me for watching it, 'it's boring they're just going around in a circle'. But then when you explain everything behind the scenes and it's not as simple as driving in circle he got hooked, even XW did for some time.

So he lost interest when I withdrawn from the M and just kind of clammed up trying to figure out what was going on with the M and what then W doing and why.

He's a tinkering weekend warrior like me at his age, taking stuff apart and figuring out how it works and putting it back together (minus some 'extra', 'uneccesary' pieces. lol) so our goal right now is to try and get a project car going.

Still haven't fournd a new nitch yet with S12, his thing now is baseball, but that is attributed to OM, so I think it's a little uncomfortable for him.

Oh and one last thing, I finally opened up a 'gift' from XW from Christmas that she finally remmebered to give me on my birthday. It's a chrome and engraved glass handle bottle stop, and it is very pretty.

[dday101798]

So, the latest round complete

XW now says she's staying in the area. We worked out the kids school finances as it is due next week. They are staying in the area, good.

I finaly asked why she changed her name so fast, she blamed me. Yes, in doing what you're not supposed to do, I asked her to rid herself of it.

On a somewhat postive, I asked whn she was getting married, all she could say was that was the least of her concerns, for what ever that is worth.

Her mood was for the most part negative, so I can only take so much into account.

Apparently I set myself up for for more, and I need to stop that.

Dispite her negative tone, there was still a sense of sorrow, and that, I take to bed with me.

I only wish her the best on her endeavors, and what got her most was the fact I may not be her safety coushin much longer, The Navy is calling.

Afterall, she's only my ex-wife. Good night sweat Tracy, good night.

[dday out with the same damn tears he swore to never shed again]

[MsMelancoly]

Hey dday, Try to keep yourself off that roller coaster!! Good to hear you ended it with GF. I think it was the right choice. Good to hear your boys will be near you, keep focusing on them! Keep that PMA going!!

[dday101798]

Thanks.

That darn roller coaster gets me everytime. But....

Hindsight 20/20, that was a very positive conversation last night I "won" a couple of small but in their own right big victories.

The conversation started with XW being uncertain still about moving and ended with she is staying and the boys stay in their schools, that is major and a huge relief. I could not bear the fact of them being so far away.

Secondly, the name thing, kind of shows to me a little bit of respect. She sounded upset she had to do it, again sighting me telling her to get it changed (quite a while ago, last October after our 10th anniversary and I was doing really bad). So I take that with a grain of salt on my part, but look at as a positive.

Lastly, and I can't believe I had the brass to ask when her and OM were getting married, and her response being rather quietly indicating that may not be happening at all. The whole time we were talking Xw made every attempt to do so in area away from OM, doing laundry and in the bathroom filling the tub (who fills a bathtub when the washing machine is running?).

So in a it's own way, that was a very good conversation and it just took me a little rest not to mention sobering up to soak in. I guess it was just the fact she sounded so upset that got to me. We did hit on a few touchy areas, but nothing nasty or fight like ensued, which is good, very good.

What really seemed to grab her attention is when I said I was greatful that she'd stay in the area as I was very concerned for the boys well being and hers for that matter should things not pan out with a new job or anything should she move and most likely I'll be doing the Navy and will not be here to bail her out if she gets into trouble.

Man, I'd love to say that the D is starting to peck away at her. It really seems that way.

I should mention this conversatin took place in two parts, the first was myself returning a call to S12 who left me a voice mail while I was mowing the lawn. When I called, XW answered and was making dinner from one my recipes that was kind of touching, and while I was talking to her, S12 was being very hostile with her in the background. After his meltdown on Satruday, he is obviously not very happy with all this. So, that kind of ate at me after hanging up an dstill not knowing what was going on with school. So I texted XW if we coul dtalk when she got done eating and she did.

My faulter to get back on that darn rollercoaster for a short duration is I'm just still too emotionally drawn to the situation and need to curb that. I did my best not to let on XW that fact, so I guess that's why I came here to let it out and crash, so there's another little victory.

Anyway, we came to the agreement to each enroll one of the kids on our own instead of all once and spliting the bill. But, I realized this morning, I can't do an enrollment as I'm no longer a resident, so we'll have to do it together.